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      • Native Language:
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    Could you please proofread and rate my IELTS Essay

    Hello, I just got rather bad feedback on one of my essays and I don't quite understand it. So I wrote another one in order to find out whether there is something wrong with my writing in general. It would be really helpful if someone could have a quick look at this and give me some feedback, it doesn't have to be that detailled, just what ever comes to mind.

    In some countries older people are being encouraged to
    work longer and not to retire. Discuss the advantages and
    disadvantages of working beyond retirement age.

    In many countries the average life expectancy has grown significantly in the last few decades, while at the same time the average number of children per woman has sharply decreased.
    This will lead to enormous problems since an ever decreasing number of taxpayers will be in charge of paying for a growing number of retired people.
    One possible solution for this problem, that has been propagated a lot, is encouraging older people to work longer.
    Proponents of this solution often use the longer life expectancy itself as an argument. To them it just doesn’t seem fair not to adjust the average retirement age to the average life expectancy. People at the age of 65 now are in a much better physical constitution than they used to be and still have, on average, almost twenty more years to live. It doesn’t seem adequate to encourage these people to retire and live off of the work of other people.
    I however would argue, that, since people in the older generation, on average, have spent much less time in the education system, many of them have already worked much longer than people in the younger generation ever will and therefore it is morally justifiable for them to retire.
    Another argument for that position is that there is hardly any demand for older employees. Many employers will prefer younger employees over older ones, since they are usually more flexible and better at keeping pace with technological progress. Therefore in a society, such as ours, where there is a lot of unemployment even among well educated young people there is no need to encourage older people to work longer.

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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      • Native Language:
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    Re: Could you please proofread and rate my IELTS Essay

    This looks to me like somebody's homework. However, I can tell you to space between paragraphs. And instead of will be in charge of paying for say will be supporting. ​Also, generally speaking, it is easier to understand shorter sentences rather than longer sentences. Aim for clarity, not complexity.

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