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  1. englishhobby's Avatar
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    #1

    Could you check my dialogue?

    Could you check and/or improve the following dialogue a little for it to sound more natural?

    – Poor Theresa.
    – Why?
    – She is married to that dull guy Joe. He is so hard to please, unsociable and picky.
    – That’s only what you think. And her perception of him may be absolutely different from yours. She really has a way with Phil and accepts him as he is.
    If I were a native speaker of English, I would never shut up. :-)

  2. MikeNewYork's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Could you check my dialogue?

    Where did Phil come from?

  3. Roman55's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Could you check my dialogue?

    I am not a teacher.

    This could be rewritten 100 different ways to suit individual tastes, but it's fine as it stands, with one exception.
    'Absolutely different' sounds odd to me. I would say 'completely' or 'totally'.

  4. englishhobby's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Could you check my dialogue?

    Quote Originally Posted by MikeNewYork View Post
    Where did Phil come from?
    Sorry, I forgot about Joe.
    If I were a native speaker of English, I would never shut up. :-)

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Could you check my dialogue?

    "Dull" and "hard to please" are two totally different things.


  6. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Could you check my dialogue?

    I like absolutely there. It's emphatic and not over-used. Dull and hard to please are different things, but I know plenty of people who are both. So you need to say both.

    The only changes I'd make are to put in some contractions. Without them, it would sound stiff:

    Quote Originally Posted by englishhobby View Post
    Could you check and/or improve the following dialogue a little for it to sound more natural?

    – Poor Theresa.
    – Why?
    – She's married to that dull guy Joe. He's so hard to please, unsociable and picky.
    – That’s only what you think. And her perception of him may be absolutely different from yours. She really has a way with Joe and accepts him as he is.

  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Could you check my dialogue?

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    I like absolutely there. It's emphatic and not over-used. Dull and hard to please are different things, but I know plenty of people who are both. So you need to say both.
    Yes, there are plenty of people who are both. The writer uses too many adjectives too close together. If you want me to believe somebody is dull give me a reason or two to believe that he is, in fact, dull. Don't abruptly switch to something else. Example: Tarheel is really dull. All he does is get on the computer on some website.

  8. englishhobby's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: Could you check my dialogue?

    I see your point. But situations can be different. Can't just a woman enumerate all the faults a man has without explaining them in detail? It's men who always use their logic.
    You are right, I need these traits in a "concentrated" form for a textbook I am writing.
    If I were a native speaker of English, I would never shut up. :-)

  9. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: Could you check my dialogue?

    Quote Originally Posted by englishhobby View Post
    Can't a woman just enumerate all the faults a man has without explaining them in detail?
    Of course. But if you say something about somebody you surely have something in mind that reminds people of that trait. Also, it is really boring just to read a bunch of adjectives. Think about it. What might somebody say in "real life"? Here's an example: "Tarheel is really lazy. All he does when he is home is watch TV." (Actually, I don't have a TV. But, hopefully, my illustration helps me make my point.)

    Last edited by emsr2d2; 30-Aug-2014 at 22:19. Reason: Minor typo

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