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      • Native Language:
      • Spanish
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      • Spain
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      • Spain

    • Join Date: Aug 2014
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    #1

    can anyone please help me correct this text? thanks!

    She was selfish and coward enough as to take advantage of the fact that her baby couldn't defend himself to deprive him of his father and raise him as a single mother. When the kid grew up, she saw things in his behavior that she didn't like, but she was too proud and stubborn to accept that raising a kid is like raising a mirror of your own soul, a mirror that you'll be condemned to see every day, growing inside your home, and it's really hard to see how your own defects and, specially, the results of your wrong education appear and grow in the being u most love. So, she stubbornly and cowardly decided to convince herself that those defects and behavior were caused by his dad's gens.

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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      • American English
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      • United States
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      • United States

    • Join Date: Jun 2014
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    #2

    Re: can anyone please help me correct this text? thanks!

    I think I get it. She raised the kid by herself, and when he misbehaved she blamed that on his father although he (the father) was never around. In other words, she didn't want to take responsibility for her own choices. Eh?

    You need to make shorter sentences. "She deprived him of his father" is a good line. (You didn't exactly say that, but it's a good line.)

    You could start it something like this:

    She raised the boy by herself. It was her choice. The boy's father wanted to be a part of his life, but she wouldn't let him do so. She deprived the boy of his father.

    Rather than using adjectives, if you describe the situation the reader will come to his own conclusions. (That doesn't mean, of course, that you never use adjectives, but it is often better to show than to tell.)


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