Results 1 to 8 of 8
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Sep 2014
    • Posts: 1
    #1

    Post Help me fix my essay?

    Hi! I'm in my senior year of high school, so my parents are finally making me write a lot of college essays to be prepared for the real thing. (Can't say I enjoy it too much...) Could you tell me how this essay is? The main focus is about myself and goals for the future. I feel like it's a little on and off topic, but I can't say for sure. Any help would be appreciated. I think all this writing is starting to make me a little crazy!



    My dreams of keeping the country safe is what I'm willing to accomplish through blood, sweat, and tears, even though many people could say my dreams are a little farfetched. All throughout my life, Iíve always wanted to join a branch of the military; it did not matter which one. All I wanted was to know that I could keep my country safe and the citizens with a peace of mind. When I was diagnosed with Crohnís disease, I was not able to join the military. Even though one of my biggest dreams was then known as never being accomplishable, I never gave up hope. It only made me stronger; tougher. If I couldnít serve my country through the military, then there are other ways in doing so.

    Every child grows up with a different perspective. Unlike most, I adopted a disease that progressed into something life changing, a disease that I have grown to accept and be proud of. My childhood, like most, was an exhilarating yet emotional rollercoaster. I was told I was special when I was only ten years old. Suddenly, I had a distinct kind of doctor that was going to be with me until I became an adult, who would help me with my troubles and try to find a way to ease the pain.

    Crohnís was subtle and came on vehemently. Abdominal pains, loss of appetite, and weight loss were telltale signs. Though causes of this intriguing disease are not specifically known, it is believed that heredity and environmental factors are main contributors. Crohnís is an inflammatory condition that causes the immune system to attack the gastrointestinal tract. Constantly having the urge to run to the bathroom or experiencing pain in doing the simplest tasks were, at first, very discouraging. I cannot lie and say that I accepted it in the beginning, that controlling a disease that tends to lash on out my body at the most unexpected times was a walk in the park, but I eventually came to terms with Crohnís.

    Dealing with Crohnís has kept me on my toes. Everyday life changed from focusing on school to keeping track of what I ate and making sure I took my medications. I am a person who cannot accept defeat and always strives for the best. If there is something I wish to have, I will try my absolute hardest to get it, and what I want is to keep myself healthy. I realized that not everyone in life can have a free pass, and each person has a special problem of their own.

    Coming to face with Crohnís, I immediately set out to turn Crohnís into something I didnít have to constantly worry about. I started to eat healthy while sticking to a food plan and began to work out. These two things alone transformed my life into something I would have never predicted. The symptoms that had wreaked havoc on my body, and ultimately my daily life, suddenly started to disappear.
    The outcomes of striving to keep myself as healthy as I could have impacted every part of my life and body in so many positive ways. I have learned to become strong-hearted and to not to take everything so personally. The quote, ďthere is always someone else who has it worse than youĒ is a hopeful reminiscence that is always in the back of my mind. With time and the support from my family, I grew to accept how I am today.

    My future is something I'm determined to make the very greatest I can. Just like my goals of staying healthy, I want to attend (insert college here) to earn a degree in Criminal Justice. I want to pursue a career in Law Enforcement as a police officer, helping people in need and making sure the city or town I reside in is kept safe. Being a police officer is a career where I can get off of work and know I have made a difference in the community, which would mean the world to me. Not many people can leave work and say that they have made a change in America. Through determination, I can make my dream come true, no matter how big or small, and the start of doing so begins with (insert college here).

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jun 2014
    • Posts: 11,026
    #2

    Re: Help me fix my essay?

    Well, I am doing a lot of fixing people's writing on this forum, and I have never gotten any good at it. (Just kidding.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Candicemarie View Post
    Hi! I'm in my senior year of high school, so my parents are finally making me write a lot of college essays to prepare me for the real thing. (Can't say I enjoy it too much...) Could you tell me how well this essay is written? The main focus is me and my goals for the future. I feel like it's a little on and off topic, but I can't say for sure. Any help would be appreciated. I think all this writing is starting to make me a little crazy!
    You think you're going crazy? Hah! I know some really crazy people, and you are not even halfway there.


  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 41,830
    #3

    Re: Help me fix my essay?

    For a start, look at "My dreams of keeping the country safe is ..."
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jun 2014
    • Posts: 11,026
    #4

    Re: Help me fix my essay?

    It looks like I am going to disagree with the moderator person. (I used to be known as Ron the Mod. (Okay, not really. But isn't that a really cool nickname?))

    Quote Originally Posted by Candicemarie View Post



    My dreams of (I would use "for" there, and don't you want to make me happy?) keeping the country safe is what I'm willing to accomplish through blood, sweat, and tears, even though many people could say my dreams are a little farfetched. (You do realize that you stole that from Churchhill, don't you? (I can't make the emotions work. You'll just have to use your imagination.)) All throughout my life, Iíve always wanted to join a branch of the military; it did not matter which one. All I wanted was to know that I could keep my country safe and the citizens with a peace of mind. ​(That sentence needs a lot of work. Perhaps: "My only ambition was to keep my country safe from its enemies.) When I was diagnosed with Crohnís disease, I was not able to join the military. Even though one of my biggest dreams was then known as never being accomplishable, I never gave up hope. (What? What?)
    More later.

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jun 2014
    • Posts: 11,026
    #5

    Re: Help me fix my essay?

    Quote Originally Posted by Candicemarie View Post
    When I was diagnosed with Crohnís disease, I was not able to join the military. Even though one of my biggest dreams was then known as never being accomplishable, I never gave up hope. It only made me stronger; tougher. If I couldnít serve my country through the military, then there are other ways in doing so.
    The first sentence does not need to be changed. For the rest, try:

    Even though one of my biggest dreams was now out of reach, I didn't give up. Instead, I was more determined than ever. If I couldn't serve my country through the military, there would be other ways of serving my country.


  5. Tarheel's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jun 2014
    • Posts: 11,026
    #6

    Re: Help me fix my essay?

    Quote Originally Posted by Candicemarie View Post

    Every child grows up with a different perspective. Unlike most, I contracted a disease that progressed into something life changing, a disease that I have grown to accept and be proud of. My childhood, like most, was an exhilarating yet emotional rollercoaster. I was told I was special when I was only ten years old. Suddenly, I had a distinct kind of doctor who was going to be with me until I became an adult and who would help me with my troubles and try to find a way to ease the pain.
    I don't see how you can be proud to have a disease, but if that's what you want to say then say it. You need to find a different sentence adverb for the last sentence in that paragraph. (Surely, a doctor doesn't come into somebody's life suddenly.)


  6. Tarheel's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jun 2014
    • Posts: 11,026
    #7

    Re: Help me fix my essay?

    By "distinct kind of doctor" do you perhaps mean "different kind of doctor'?


  7. Tarheel's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jun 2014
    • Posts: 11,026
    #8

    Re: Help me fix my essay?

    Quote Originally Posted by Candicemarie View Post
    Crohnís is subtle and comes on vehemently. Abdominal pains, loss of appetite, and weight loss are telltale signs. Though the causes of this intriguing disease are not specifically known, it is believed that heredity and environmental factors are the main contributors. Crohnís is an inflammatory condition that causes the immune system to attack the gastrointestinal tract. Constantly having the urge to run to the bathroom or experiencing pain in doing the simplest tasks were, at first, very discouraging. I cannot lie and say that I accepted it in the beginning, that controlling a disease that tends to lash out at my body at the most unexpected times was a walk in the park, but I eventually came to terms with Crohnís.

    Dealing with Crohnís has kept me on my toes. Everyday life changed from focusing on school to keeping track of what I ate and making sure I took my medications. I am a person who cannot accept defeat and always strives for the best. If there is something I wish to have, I will do my best to get it, and what I want is to keep myself healthy. I realize that not everyone in life can have a free pass, and each person has a special problem of their own.
    How about (for the part in red and bold):

    I realize that nobody in life gets a free pass.

    Of course, you can keep it the way it is.


Similar Threads

  1. can somebady fix my essay please?
    By noamm338 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 12-Jan-2014, 04:06
  2. [Essay] Please someone fix my essay i have rewritten it 4 times
    By mandough in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 26-Nov-2013, 21:35
  3. can someone read my essay and fix the gramma mistakes and etc
    By Gsangha in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 18-Oct-2008, 01:14

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •