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  1. Newbie
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    #1

    Post I need help with grammar check on my cover letter, Please!

    I need help with grammar check on my cover letter, please and thanks!

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    August 5, 2014

    Dear Human Resource:

    Re: CPA Articling Student position

    I am writing in response to the opportunity for employment you have posted on your website for a CPA Articling Student. I graduated from ABC University with a degree in Accounting. My education and past experience in the accounting industry have provided me with a solid base upon which I plan to build my career. I am excited at the prospect of travelling with your company and expending my knowledge on various aspects of the accountancy profession.

    In my current position at Shaw as an Accounting Technician, I worked primarily maintain, oversee and report for the day-to-day operation of the accounting functions to ensure the financial transactions are accurately recorded and actively supports managers in the preparation and monitoring of budgets. These tasks require attention to detail, administrative abilities and decisiveness on a daily basis. At H&M, I applied my leadership skill as a Department Supervisor, managing a team within a department and provide training for new employees. This position require self-motivated and able to work both independently and in conjunction with team members. I received commendations from management for my leadership qualities and promoted three time in six months.

    During my university studies, I demonstrated my ability to manage my own financial budget well as an international student living away from home, as well as an independent person who handle of all finance and complete legal paper work on time.

    I am sure you will find me to be a positive, motivated and responsible person who is ready for new challenges. I am confident that the combination of practical work experience and educational background has prepared me well for making a strong contribution to Telus.

    My resume is attached and if you have questions, or if you want to schedule an interview, please contact me at xxx-xxx-xxxx. I look forward to meeting you to further discuss employment opportunities with Telus


    Sincerely,

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: I need help with grammar check on my cover letter, Please!

    You have been promoted three times in six months? Wow! That's impressive.

    Quote Originally Posted by MiuMiuT View Post

    Name
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    August 5, 2014

    Dear Human Resource:

    Re: CPA Articling Student position

    I am writing in response to the opportunity for employment you have posted on your website for a CPA Articling Student. I graduated from ABC University with a degree in Accounting. My education and past experience in the accounting industry have provided me with a solid base upon which I plan to build my career. I am excited at the prospect of travelling with your company and expanding my knowledge of various aspects of the accountancy profession.

    In my current position at Shaw as an Accounting Technician, I worked primarily maintain, oversee and report on the day-to-day operation of the accounting functions to ensure that financial transactions are accurately recorded and actively support managers in the preparation and monitoring of budgets. These tasks require attention to detail, administrative abilities and decisiveness on a daily basis. At H&M, I applied my leadership skills as a Department Supervisor, managed a team within a department and provided training for new employees. This position requires self-motivated people who are able to work both independently and in conjunction with team members. I received commendations from management for my leadership qualities and was promoted three time in six months.

    During my university studies, I demonstrated my ability to manage my own financial budget well as an international student living away from home, as well as an independent person who handle of all finance and complete legal paper work on time. (I can't quite figure out what you are trying to say there. It might help if you make that one really long sentence into two or three shorter sentences.)

    I am sure you will find me to be a positive, motivated and responsible person who is ready for new challenges. I am confident that the combination of practical work experience and educational background has prepared me well for making a strong contribution to Telus.

    My resume is attached, and if you have questions, or if you want to schedule an interview, please contact me at xxx-xxx-xxxx. I look forward to meeting you to further discuss employment opportunities with Telus.


    Sincerely,

  3. Doctor Document's Avatar
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    #3

    Thumbs up Re: I need help with grammar check on my cover letter, Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by MiuMiuT View Post

    My resume is attached and if you have questions, or if you want to schedule an interview, please contact me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.


    Sincerely,
    Your grammar is great, especially now that you got some help from Tarheel. I have an idea about content, and I hope it's helpful. This quoted sentence (above) is an example of a 'lost opportunity' -- and that means you gave the reader information they don't need, so you lost an opportunity in that moment to persuade them. You can include an emotive word, like 'hope'...
    Example: I hope you'll call me about an interview: xxx-xxx-xxxx

    Here is another idea:
    I look forward to meeting you to further discuss employment opportunities with Telus. --- This sentence does not serve any purpose except to show your ability to write well. If you want to persuade the reader, leave them with some intriguing 'takeaway', some final thought.

    I looked at your first sentence, too, and it is well-written but it is a lost opportunity to capture the attention of the reader. You don't need to say anything too eccentric or unusual, but how about using a short first sentence to stun them a little? Can you write a sentence in 12 words or fewer that expresses what would make this opportunity particularly meaningful for you? Try adding a sentence to the beginning of the letter that will surprise the reader a little and raise some questions in her mind.

    Maybe later today you'll think of that perfect sentence to put at the start of your letter.

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: I need help with grammar check on my cover letter, Please!

    MiuMiuT, see if you can figure out why I made the changes I made. If there is anything you don't understand feel free to ask for an explanation. As for "past experience", if you have had experience doing something it is an experience that occurred in the past. (Duh!) That term falls in the category of grating redundancy.


  5. Newbie
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    #5

    Re: I need help with grammar check on my cover letter, Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by Doctor Document View Post
    Your grammar is great, especially now that you got some help from Tarheel. I have an idea about content, and I hope it's helpful. This quoted sentence (above) is an example of a 'lost opportunity' -- and that means you gave the reader information they don't need, so you lost an opportunity in that moment to persuade them. You can include an emotive word, like 'hope'...
    Example: I hope you'll call me about an interview: xxx-xxx-xxxx

    Here is another idea:
    I look forward to meeting you to further discuss employment opportunities with Telus. --- This sentence does not serve any purpose except to show your ability to write well. If you want to persuade the reader, leave them with some intriguing 'takeaway', some final thought.

    I looked at your first sentence, too, and it is well-written but it is a lost opportunity to capture the attention of the reader. You don't need to say anything too eccentric or unusual, but how about using a short first sentence to stun them a little? Can you write a sentence in 12 words or fewer that expresses what would make this opportunity particularly meaningful for you? Try adding a sentence to the beginning of the letter that will surprise the reader a little and raise some questions in her mind.

    Maybe later today you'll think of that perfect sentence to put at the start of your letter.
    Thank you for your suggestion.

    I made some changes for the first sentence. and the last paragraph. would you mind to give me some advise?


    I am very interested in a position as a CPA Articling Student with Telus. (I'm not sure if this is too "causal"?)I graduated from ABC University with a degree in Accounting. My education and experience in the accounting industry have provided me with a solid base upon which I plan to build my career. I am excited at the prospect of travelling with your company and expanding my knowledge of various aspects of the accountancy profession.

    In my current position at Shaw as an Accounting Technician, I primarily maintain, oversee and report on the day-to-day operation of the accounting functions to ensure that financial transactions are accurately recorded and actively support managers in the preparation and monitoring of budgets. These tasks require attention to detail, administrative abilities and decisiveness on a daily basis. At H&M, I applied my leadership skills as a Department Supervisor, managed a team within a department and provided training for new employees. This position requires self-motivated people who are able to work both independently and in conjunction with team members. I received commendations from management for my leadership qualities and was promoted three time in six months.

    I am sure you will find me to be a positive, motivated and responsible person who is ready for new challenges. I am confident that the combination of practical work experience and educational background has prepared me well for making a strong contribution to Telus.

    I look forward to meeting you to further discuss employment opportunities with Telus. --- This sentence does not serve any purpose except to show your ability to write well. If you want to persuade the reader, leave them with some intriguing 'takeaway', some final thought. "--- This sentence does not serve any purpose except to show your ability to write well. If you want to persuade the reader, leave them with some intriguing 'takeaway', some final thought. "(Would you mind to explain what did you mean by intriguing 'takeaway'?)

    If I change it to "My resume is attached and
    I believe this is a position where my passion for this industry will grow because of the Telus you provide for your employees. In the meantime, thank you for your time in reviewing my application."
    What do you think? is this better or worse?

    Sincerely,

  6. Newbie
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    #6

    Re: I need help with grammar check on my cover letter, Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    MiuMiuT, see if you can figure out why I made the changes I made. If there is anything you don't understand feel free to ask for an explanation. As for "past experience", if you have had experience doing something it is an experience that occurred in the past. (Duh!) That term falls in the category of grating redundancy.

    Thank you for your help, I really appreciated that. And I deleted the third paragraph since I mention that I graduated from ABC University on the first paragraph. But what do you think? Should I add another small paragraph about my study ?

  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: I need help with grammar check on my cover letter, Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by MiuMiuT View Post
    I am very interested in a position as a CPA Articling Student with Telus. I graduated from ABC University with a degree in Accounting. My education and experience in the accounting industry have provided me with a solid base upon which I plan to build my career. I am excited at the prospect of travelling with your company and expanding my knowledge of various aspects of the accountancy profession.

    In my current position at Shaw as an Accounting Technician, I primarily maintain, oversee and report on the day-to-day operation of the accounting functions to ensure that financial transactions are accurately recorded and, and I actively support managers in the preparation and monitoring of budgets. These tasks require attention to detail, administrative abilities and decisiveness on a daily basis. At H&M, I applied my leadership skills as a Department Supervisor, managed a team within a department and provided training for new employees. This position requires self-motivated people who are able to work both independently and in conjunction with team members. I received commendations from management for my leadership qualities and was promoted three time in six months.

    I am sure you will find me to be a positive, motivated and responsible person who is ready for new challenges. I am confident that the combination of practical work experience and educational background has prepared me well for making a strong contribution to Telus. I look forward to meeting you to further discuss employment opportunities with Telus. Sincerely,
    Good! I am impressed. You are hired!

    (The main thing you want to do is impress people that you can do the job and that you will be a good employee. Let me know how things work out.)


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