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    #1

    Exclamation Need help revising comparitive essay Intro

    My teacher recently handed back my essay intro to me , after marking it, and told me I had some good ideas but it needed revising. However, I'm not to good at that. I was wondering if anyone on this forum would be gracious enough to edit and revise it for me. Thanks in advance! :)



    Moral courage is the ability to follow ones moral compass despite adverse repercussions, that being said it is also one of the most difficult and important morals to enact. In both George Orwell’s memoir, Shooting an Elephant, and Collin McDougall’s short story, The Firing Squad, the protagonists of the stories must both face extremely difficult situations in which they have to decide whether or not to follow their morals, despite the negative consequences. At the beginning of both stories the protagonists John Adam, The Firing Squad, and George Orwell, Shooting an Elephant, start as cowards faced with difficult moral decisions. Both men are young, ill-educated, and believe they must act as their higher-ranks would if they were in their position. Ironically, both stories end with a vastly different outcome. John Adam regains his valour as he ignores the pressures placed upon him and acts according to his own principles. However, George Orwell consistently fails to show bravery, constantly conforming to the pressures he believes are placed upon him and unable to act on his beliefs George Orwell establishes himself as a coward. The Firing Squad and Shooting an Elephant demonstrate that courage is the ability to follow through on what one believes in despite the circumstance.
    Last edited by BadAtEditing; 12-Sep-2014 at 03:33.

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Need help revising comparitive essay Intro

    We are not supposed to do anybody's homework for them, and it is pretty clear that that is what this is. However, I can offer you some general advice. We don't space before commas. Especially we don't space before commas that don't need to be there in the first place. Note that to/too/two are homophones. (Hint.)

    Quote Originally Posted by BadAtEditing View Post
    My teacher recently handed back my essay intro to me , after marking it, and told me I had some good ideas but it needed revising. However, I'm not to good at that. I was wondering if anyone on this forum would be gracious enough to edit and revise it for me.


    BTW, thanking me in advance for something I haven't done yet will not get me to work harder or work better. (It's not good enough to write essays anymore? You also have to write intros to your essays?)


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    #3

    Re: Need help revising comparitive essay Intro

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    We are not supposed to do anybody's homework for them, and it is pretty clear that that is what this is. However, I can offer you some general advice. We don't space before commas. Especially we don't space before commas that don't need to be there in the first place. Note that to/too/two are homophones. (Hint.)



    BTW, thanking me in advance for something I haven't done yet will not get me to work harder or work better. (It's not good enough to write essays anymore? You also have to write intros to your essays?)

    I said it was marked... It's not homework.

    BTW, you don't come off as arrogant at all.

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    #4

    Re: Need help revising comparitive essay Intro

    Quote Originally Posted by BadAtEditing View Post


    In both George Orwell’s memoir, Shooting an Elephant, and Collin McDougall’s short story, The Firing Squad, the protagonists of the stories must both face extremely difficult situations in which they have to decide whether or not to follow their morals, despite the negative consequences. At the beginning of both stories the protagonists John Adam, The Firing Squad, and George Orwell, Shooting an Elephant, start as cowards faced with difficult moral decisions.
    In that first sentence, I might say despite the difficulties (rather than despite the negative consequences), but that's not necessarily better.


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    #5

    Re: Need help revising comparative essay Intro

    You are right. You did tell me it had been marked. (D'oh!)

    Quote Originally Posted by BadAtEditing View Post
    However, I'm not to good at that.
    Tell me what mistake is in that sentence.



    Quote Originally Posted by BadAtEditing View Post
    Moral courage is the ability to follow one's moral compass despite difficulties. That being said, it is also one of the most difficult and important morals to enact.
    I suppose that it is one thing to say what your principles are and it is another thing to adhere to those principles when you have to deal with the consequences of your decisions.


  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Need help revising comparitive essay Intro

    I like that last line, so let's keep it.

    Quote Originally Posted by BadAtEditing View Post


    Moral courage is the ability to follow ones moral compass despite adverse repercussions, that being said it is also one of the most difficult and important morals to enact. In both George Orwell’s memoir, Shooting an Elephant, and Collin McDougall’s short story, The Firing Squad, the protagonists of the stories must both face extremely difficult situations in which they have to decide whether or not to follow their morals, despite the negative consequences. At the beginning of both stories the protagonists John Adam (The Firing Squad) and George Orwell (Shooting an Elephant)start as cowards faced with difficult moral decisions. Both men are young, ill-educated, and believe they must act as their higher-ranks would if they were in their position. Ironically, both stories end with a vastly different outcome. John Adam regains his valour as he ignores the pressures placed upon him and acts according to his own principles. However, George Orwell consistently fails to show bravery, constantly conforming to the pressures he believes are placed upon him and unable to act on his beliefs George Orwell establishes himself as a coward. The Firing Squad and Shooting an Elephant demonstrate that courage is the ability to follow through on what one believes in despite the circumstances.
    I have noticed that you (the writer) refer to the men as cowards without anything to base that on. At least, I (the reader) am simply told that is what they are without knowing what they have done (or not done) to base that judgment on. Would some other descriptive term perhaps make more sense there?

    Last edited by Tarheel; 01-Oct-2014 at 22:26. Reason: fix spelling mistakes/typos

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    #7

    Re: Need help revising comparitive essay Intro

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    I lie that sat line, so let's keep it.



    I have noticed that you (the writer) refer to the men as cowards without anything to base that on. At least, I (the reader) am simply told that is what they are without knowing what they have done (or not done) to base that judgment on. Would some other descriptive term perhaps make more sense there?

    Yes, exactly I had noticed the same issue their.
    Last edited by HenryLin; 10-Oct-2014 at 13:17.

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: Need help revising comparitive essay Intro

    Well, I fixed my mistake. (I sure hope that was what I meant to say. )


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