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    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Russian
      • Home Country:
      • Ukraine
      • Current Location:
      • Germany

    • Join Date: Sep 2014
    • Posts: 2
    #1

    Could You please review my text? (6 sentences)

    Hi! I am an indie game developer and now making a short video for key game's features.
    Could you please take a look and say if the text I wrote sounds "natural"?

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Your land was stolen, plundered and poisoned. Criminal gangs rob, rape and kill those who survived.

    A bloody tyrant wants to create a new empire of obedient sheeple...but there are some people who will never be enslaved.

    Get the weapon you are most fit for, from bats and hammers to flamethrowers and bombs.

    Find comrades-in-arms, and go through cruel fights, through swamps, deserts and dead settlements.

    Explore the island to find out the truth and punish those who plundered your land.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jun 2014
    • Posts: 10,984
    #2

    Re: Could You please review my text? (6 sentences)

    Quote Originally Posted by Rostislav Kravtsiv View Post
    Hi! I am an indie game developer and, I am now making a short video for key game features.
    Could you please take a look and say if the text I wrote sounds "natural"?

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Your land was stolen, plundered and poisoned. Criminal gangs have been robbing, raping, and killing those who survived.

    A bloody tyrant wants to create a new empire of obedient sheeple, but there are some people who will never be enslaved.

    Get the weapon you are most fit for -- from bats and hammers to flamethrowers and bombs.

    Find comrades-in-arms, and go through cruel fights, through swamps, deserts and dead settlements.

    Explore the island to find out the truth and punish those who plundered your land.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I am not sure how you can poison land, but why would you do that to land you took for yourself?


    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Russian
      • Home Country:
      • Ukraine
      • Current Location:
      • Germany

    • Join Date: Sep 2014
    • Posts: 2
    #3

    Re: Could You please review my text? (6 sentences)

    Thank you for your help. By "poisoned" I meant "contaminated with radioactive waste" but that would sound cumbersome.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
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      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jun 2014
    • Posts: 10,984
    #4

    Re: Could You please review my text? (6 sentences)

    Thank you for your explanation. My opinion hasn't changed. You said:

    Your land was stolen, plundered and poisoned.

    I still don't tho think somebody would take somebody else's land and then ruin it.



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