Results 1 to 2 of 2
  1. Newbie
    Student or Learner
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Vietnamese
      • Home Country:
      • Vietnam
      • Current Location:
      • Vietnam

    • Join Date: Oct 2014
    • Posts: 1
    #1

    Unhappy please, could someone correct this article for me!

    I have just finish this paragraph. But i can know whether i got any mistake or not, so please help me to correct what is wrong in that. thanks so much.

    "I came to holy land on a morning Sunday. In front of me appreared a huge and breathtaking landscape which look like really heaven. The sky was deep blue with strip of white clouds stretching out. Far from the horizon, ranges of mountains which was covered by a deep green of trees followed each other rising upon the sky. There was a very limplid river quietly flew toward the horizon reflecting on surface the image of above sky. Running along two side of the river was many woods alternated each other. Dominating on that colourful picture, A little wood boat softly was sailing down the river. It look as if going to the end of the sky."

  2. Newbie
    Interested in Language
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Oct 2014
    • Posts: 3
    #2

    Re: please, could someone correct this article for me!

    Quote Originally Posted by Luukim View Post
    "I came to the holy land on a morning Sunday morning. In front of me appeared a huge and breathtaking landscape which looked like really heaven, really. The sky was deep blue with a strip of white clouds stretching out to the horizon? forever? into the distance? (Your sentence is not "wrong" without something more to explain HOW the clouds stretched out, but it is a little awkward without it. Of my three suggestions, the most common, the closest to the idioms of the "man in the street," is to the horizon. Next would be "into the distance," which I recommend since you use "horizon" in your very next sentence.) Far from the horizon, ranges of mountains which was were covered by a deep green of trees followed each other, rising upon into the sky. There was a very limplid["limpid" does technically mean clear, but it is very rarely used in common speech or even in the written form. The usage is so awkward that it will distract and confuse, rather than paint the picture in your mind.] crystalline river quietly flew which flowed peacefullly toward the horizon, reflecting on it's surface the image of above the sky above. Running along two both sides of the river was were many woods and clearings, alternating. alternated each other Dominating on that colourful picture, A little wooden boat softly was sailing softly down the river. It looked as if it were going to the end of the sky."
    It is obvious that you worked hard on this and have a conjurer's mind for image. I imagine you to be a poet in your mother tongue. The last two sentences, though now correct as to grammar, might be improved in their fluency and natural flow by:

    1. Replacing "sailing soflty down the river" with "sailing peacefully between the river's verdant banks." This construction echos for the reader the image of vegetation which you took the time to craft in your artful description of the river's banks. "Verdant" is a word which American readers anticipate in written language, but rarely use in the spoken form. I would not advise "verdant" as a part of your every day speech, but in the written form it is an effective conveyor of the pastoral scene you created.

    2. In your final sentence, a more sophisticated and poetic rendering might be: "From the distance, the little boat seemed on a journey to the end of the world." Using "world" instead of "sky" is more in keeping with the altitude and speed of the craft, as we reflexively associate flight and velocity with the sky.

    I am only a layman, or I would have a better opinion to offer. The changes that I made and the suggestions I made, I am confident are good advice and an improvement in each case. I hope that someone more skilled will offer further guidance, and I wish you well - departing with gratitude for the evocative picture that you painted in my mind's eye. :)

Similar Threads

  1. Can you help me correct this article?
    By zhangxiao in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 19-Apr-2014, 06:09
  2. the uses of the article, is it correct?
    By neskatxikia in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 12-Jun-2011, 18:50
  3. Please can someone correct my article
    By yetbot in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 22-Dec-2009, 23:31
  4. correct my article
    By yengfong in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 24-Oct-2007, 10:17
  5. Could you correct my article, please?
    By candelina in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 02-Sep-2007, 21:48

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •