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  1. MiboMibo's Avatar
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    #1

    Question Based on the phenomenon in HK currently, I wrote a short essay to reflect my feeling

    Hi,
    This is just my impression towards the thing which is happening in my home city. I'm not really good at writing in politics but I think it's worth to write about the umbrella revolution in Hong Kong. :) Please help me to proof read it since I think some of the sentences have awful structures and grammar mistakes. Also, I'm looking for some advice in order to improve the content or the delivery of this piece of writing. Thank you very much ^_^

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Hong Kong Democracy



    As a youngadult who had been living in Hong Kong for more than 18 years, I really love the dynamiclifestyle in Hong Kong. However, Hong Kong is in a serious troubletoday, which pops out a question of should Hong Kong citizens deservea real democracy? After the handover section from British colony toChina in 1997, Hong Kongers has started to be confused about theiridentities and also worry about the future of Hong Kong under thegovernance of China. The treaty of "One country, Two systems"was signed off by both Chinese and British parties, and Hong Kongersfundamentally can live under different rules from China, called“basic law”, meaning that people can enjoy the freedom of speechand the freedom of press. Also, a universal suffrage was claimed inorder to provide a truth freedom and democracy to Hong Kong people,yet this such a claim has not been carried out till now. Every timepeople go on the street to strike for their aspiration of theuniversal suffrage, their voice cannot be heard and even they areviewed as radicals.


    On the 31stof August 2014, a restructuring of the election method in 2017 wasadvocated by the Chinese government, which is even restricted andless free than the election method today. The new system authorizes1,200 people on behalf of 8 millions Hong Kong citizens to pre-selectthe candidates of the chief executive election before Hong Kongcitizens are allowed to vote for their favor. It is not a realuniversal suffrage, but a trick. This incited the students from theHong Kong university to unfold the first class boycott in Hong Kongand invite our chief executive, CY Leung to a meeting. Days after,the event was developed to an occupying Central where is the HongKong's major business district since the government refused theinvite of the conversation. Accordingly, more people went tothe street to protest the democracy in Hong Kong,voicing their concern regarding on the fake universal suffrage andthe useless government. Although this is the largest demonstrationever in Hong Kong, it is peaceful and people are self-disciplinewhich successfully achieves the international appreciation andsupport.


    Howbeit, onthe 29th, over 100 thousands of protesters had experienced thedarkest period in Hong Kong. Riot police stepped up as to evacuatethe protesters out of the street with radical force. Despite the useof 89 canisters of tear gas and pepper spray, this triggered morereinforce to support the protesters on the street. People usedumbrellas for defense the pepper spray attack and used plastic wrapto protect their eyes and skin from the tear gas. Also, people builtup obstacles to prevent the assault. The police waere condemned dueto their unprofessional and immoral decision and even were deemed aspolitical tools.


    Hong Kong,as a developed city and also one of the biggest international tradecentre in the world, people earn average 35,000 HKD(around 4,511 USD)monthly, but people can't enjoy the basic right which is the right tochoose. Hong Kongers cannot choose a path for their future, but areprovided everything unpractical by the Chinese governmentautomatically. To be frank, many disadvantages has been brought toHong Kong since 1997. The extreme increase of migrated people fromChina, the rise of commodity prices, the chaos of the city order,paring down Hong Kong citizens'social welfare... These are allexamples of what our motherland has brought to Hong Kong since wedon't have a real representative leader to control the affairs inHong Kong. Hong Kong people could only bear all those nonsenseimplement if citizens didn't awake and fight for the things theydeserve.


    This is theday 15 of the demonstration, numerous of protesters are stillguarding the areas people occupied previously. Some people includingtriad members and plain-clothed policemen from the anti pro-democracyparties often come and distract the protesters, like throwing all theresources away and destroying the camps where people are taking arest. Moreover, acouple of girls were sexual harassed and some protesters were bitten,nonetheless the police did nothing to help control the situation.Also, thugs were not arrested but were escorted to leave by thepolice. Thus, Hong Kong police are very suspicious of conspiring withtriads. In these 15 days, the current chief executive only recordedthree short video clips in response to the tactic used by the policeand encourage protesters to leave.


    Howridiculous a government can be to ignore its citizen's voice? Howheartless the police can be to evacuate those unarmed and defenselessprotesters with heavy violence? How shameless a chief executive canbe to not care about the social movement and refuse the face-to-faceconversation? Perhaps in turn, Hong Kong people would achieve nothingthrough this demonstration, but they have already guaranteed the highquality of Hong Kong people to the countries all over the world. Theygain support from the other countries and also remind the othersagain the corruption of Hong Kong and China. They did all they coulddo, they maintain the peace until the end of the movement. We, HongKong people are honorable.
    Last edited by MiboMibo; 15-Oct-2014 at 13:01.

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    #2

    Re: Based on the phenomenon in HK currently, I wrote a short essay to reflect my feel

    Hi,
    I have been keeping an eye on HK demonstration. I feel sorry about what has happened to HK. I really hope that Hongkies can achieve what they fight for! I read your comments about HK. I can't find any particular mistake, besides, some words have to be plurals or singular and some prepositions needed in between the sentences. I am sure you can find those mistakes by reread it over again. Well, I am not an English teacher. But, I believe that your messages are very clear. After reading your post, I have a deeper understanding about how Hongkies feel toward the current political environment. I used to visit HK once a month over two years. I like HK very much. Oh, I would suggest to put capital letter for "Central" since it is a place in HK. Cantonese is my native as well. Ni hou mou?

  2. BobK's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Based on the phenomenon in HK currently, I wrote a short essay to reflect my feel

    The last line of #2 stopped me from deleting it as breaking the forum's rules.

    Please restrict yourselves to comments on/discussions of the language only.

    b

  3. Matthew Wai's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Based on the phenomenon in HK currently, I wrote a short essay to reflect my feel

    Quote Originally Posted by Louiesaha View Post
    Hongkies
    I would call myself a Hongkonger instead.
    'Hongkonger' has been included in the Oxford English Dictionary, see
    http://public.oed.com/the-oed-today/...st-march-2014/
    I speak Cantonese too.

    Not a teacher.
    Last edited by Matthew Wai; 14-Oct-2014 at 14:38. Reason: Changed the link.

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    #5

    Re: Based on the phenomenon in HK currently, I wrote a short essay to reflect my feel

    ***** NOT A TEACHER *****


    Hello, MiboMibo:

    Grammar-wise, you have done a great job, in my opinion.

    I have only two points to discuss.

    1. If you are STILL living in the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region, then I feel that your first sentence should be "As a young adult who has lived in ...."

    2. Your last paragraph is filled with rhetorical questions. As you know, rhetorical questions do NOT expect an answer. They are simply a more dramatic way to make a statement.

    You may wish to change the order of the words in those rhetorical questions:

    How ridiculous can a government be to ignore its citizens' voice?
    How heartless can the police be to use such violence against peaceful protesters?
    How shameless can a chief executive be to refuse a face-to-face dialogue?


    Congratulations again on your very good English.



    James

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Based on the phenomenon in HK currently, I wrote a short essay to reflect my feel

    I have run out of time, but I can make some suggestions later. (For example, say serious trouble, not a serious trouble. Also, it's 89 tear gas canisters.)


  5. MiboMibo's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Based on the phenomenon in HK currently, I wrote a short essay to reflect my feel

    Quote Originally Posted by TheParser View Post
    ***** NOT A TEACHER *****


    Hello, MiboMibo:

    Grammar-wise, you have done a great job, in my opinion.

    I have only two points to discuss.

    1. If you are STILL living in the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region, then I feel that your first sentence should be "As a young adult who has lived in ...."

    2. Your last paragraph is filled with rhetorical questions. As you know, rhetorical questions do NOT expect an answer. They are simply a more dramatic way to make a statement.

    You may wish to change the order of the words in those rhetorical questions:

    How ridiculous can a government be to ignore its citizens' voice?
    How heartless can the police be to use such violence against peaceful protesters?
    How shameless can a chief executive be to refuse a face-to-face dialogue?


    Congratulations again on your very good English.



    James
    Hi, TheParser:

    Thank you for your comment. I think I should write "had lived in ..." instead of "has been living in" since I'm currently living overseas. It's pity that I can do nothing to help Hong Kong in a foreign country except pinning a yellow ribbon on the clothes. Hoping that people can win and achieve what they deserve in a peaceful way.

    Mibo

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    #8

    Re: Based on the phenomenon in HK currently, I wrote a short essay to reflect my feel

    Quote Originally Posted by MiboMibo View Post

    I think I should write "had lived in ..." since I'm currently living overseas.

    Mibo

    ***** NOT A TEACHER *****

    I agree. Or you could even write: "As a young adult who lived in Hong Kong for more than 18 years, I ...."

    As the moderator reminded us, we can comment only on the language aspects. So I cannot express my opinions on the other statements in your latest post.


    James

  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: Based on the phenomenon in HK currently, I wrote a short essay to reflect my feel

    Quote Originally Posted by MiboMibo View Post
    Hi,


    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Hong Kong Democracy



    As a young adult who lived in Hong Kong for more than 18 years, I really love the dynamic lifestyle in Hong Kong. However, Hong Kong is in serious trouble today, which raises a question -- do Hong Kong citizens deserve a real democracy? After the handover from the UK to China in 1997, Hong Kongers have become confused about their identities and also worry about the future of Hong Kong under the governance of China. The treaty of "One country, Two systems"was signed off by both Chinese and British parties, and Hong Kongers fundamentally can live under different rules from China, called “basic law”, meaning that people can enjoy the freedom of speech and the freedom of press. Also, universal suffrage was claimed in order to provide the people a voice in their government. But that hasn't happened up to this time. Every time people go on the street to strike for universal suffrage, they are not listened to, and even they are even viewed as radicals.

  7. MiboMibo's Avatar
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    null
    Hi,

    Thank you very much, buddy. Your version is definitely more organised and delicate. The original one was a bit messy since I couldn't come across better vocabularies in the writing sometimes.

    Mibo

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