[Essay] Based on the phenomenon in HK currently, I wrote a short essay to reflect my feeling

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MiboMibo

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Hi,
This is just my impression towards the thing which is happening in my home city. I'm not really good at writing in politics but I think it's worth to write about the umbrella revolution in Hong Kong. :) Please help me to proof read it since I think some of the sentences have awful structures and grammar mistakes. Also, I'm looking for some advice in order to improve the content or the delivery of this piece of writing. Thank you very much ^_^:-D:-D:-D:-D

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hong Kong Democracy



As a youngadult who had been living in Hong Kong for more than 18 years, I really love the dynamiclifestyle in Hong Kong. However, Hong Kong is in a serious troubletoday, which pops out a question of should Hong Kong citizens deservea real democracy? After the handover section from British colony toChina in 1997, Hong Kongers has started to be confused about theiridentities and also worry about the future of Hong Kong under thegovernance of China. The treaty of "One country, Two systems"was signed off by both Chinese and British parties, and Hong Kongersfundamentally can live under different rules from China, called“basic law”, meaning that people can enjoy the freedom of speechand the freedom of press. Also, a universal suffrage was claimed inorder to provide a truth freedom and democracy to Hong Kong people,yet this such a claim has not been carried out till now. Every timepeople go on the street to strike for their aspiration of theuniversal suffrage, their voice cannot be heard and even they areviewed as radicals.


On the 31stof August 2014, a restructuring of the election method in 2017 wasadvocated by the Chinese government, which is even restricted andless free than the election method today. The new system authorizes1,200 people on behalf of 8 millions Hong Kong citizens to pre-selectthe candidates of the chief executive election before Hong Kongcitizens are allowed to vote for their favor. It is not a realuniversal suffrage, but a trick. This incited the students from theHong Kong university to unfold the first class boycott in Hong Kongand invite our chief executive, CY Leung to a meeting. Days after,the event was developed to an occupying Central where is the HongKong's major business district since the government refused theinvite of the conversation. Accordingly, more people went to the street to protest the democracy in Hong Kong,voicing their concern regarding on the fake universal suffrage andthe useless government. Although this is the largest demonstrationever in Hong Kong, it is peaceful and people are self-disciplinewhich successfully achieves the international appreciation andsupport.


Howbeit, onthe 29th, over 100 thousands of protesters had experienced thedarkest period in Hong Kong. Riot police stepped up as to evacuatethe protesters out of the street with radical force. Despite the useof 89 canisters of tear gas and pepper spray, this triggered morereinforce to support the protesters on the street. People usedumbrellas for defense the pepper spray attack and used plastic wrapto protect their eyes and skin from the tear gas. Also, people builtup obstacles to prevent the assault. The police waere condemned dueto their unprofessional and immoral decision and even were deemed aspolitical tools.


Hong Kong,as a developed city and also one of the biggest international tradecentre in the world, people earn average 35,000 HKD(around 4,511 USD)monthly, but people can't enjoy the basic right which is the right tochoose. Hong Kongers cannot choose a path for their future, but areprovided everything unpractical by the Chinese governmentautomatically. To be frank, many disadvantages has been brought toHong Kong since 1997. The extreme increase of migrated people fromChina, the rise of commodity prices, the chaos of the city order,paring down Hong Kong citizens'social welfare... These are allexamples of what our motherland has brought to Hong Kong since wedon't have a real representative leader to control the affairs inHong Kong. Hong Kong people could only bear all those nonsenseimplement if citizens didn't awake and fight for the things theydeserve.


This is theday 15 of the demonstration, numerous of protesters are stillguarding the areas people occupied previously. Some people includingtriad members and plain-clothed policemen from the anti pro-democracyparties often come and distract the protesters, like throwing all theresources away and destroying the camps where people are taking arest. Moreover, acouple of girls were sexual harassed and some protesters were bitten,nonetheless the police did nothing to help control the situation.Also, thugs were not arrested but were escorted to leave by thepolice. Thus, Hong Kong police are very suspicious of conspiring withtriads. In these 15 days, the current chief executive only recordedthree short video clips in response to the tactic used by the policeand encourage protesters to leave.


Howridiculous a government can be to ignore its citizen's voice? Howheartless the police can be to evacuate those unarmed and defenselessprotesters with heavy violence? How shameless a chief executive canbe to not care about the social movement and refuse the face-to-faceconversation? Perhaps in turn, Hong Kong people would achieve nothingthrough this demonstration, but they have already guaranteed the highquality of Hong Kong people to the countries all over the world. Theygain support from the other countries and also remind the othersagain the corruption of Hong Kong and China. They did all they coulddo, they maintain the peace until the end of the movement. We, HongKong people are honorable.
 
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Louiesaha

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Hi,
I have been keeping an eye on HK demonstration. I feel sorry about what has happened to HK. I really hope that Hongkies can achieve what they fight for! I read your comments about HK. I can't find any particular mistake, besides, some words have to be plurals or singular and some prepositions needed in between the sentences. I am sure you can find those mistakes by reread it over again. Well, I am not an English teacher. But, I believe that your messages are very clear. After reading your post, I have a deeper understanding about how Hongkies feel toward the current political environment. I used to visit HK once a month over two years. I like HK very much. Oh, I would suggest to put capital letter for "Central" since it is a place in HK. Cantonese is my native as well. Ni hou mou?;-)
 

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The last line of #2 stopped me from deleting it as breaking the forum's rules. ;-)

Please restrict yourselves to comments on/discussions of the language only.

b
 

TheParser

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Hello, MiboMibo:

Grammar-wise, you have done a great job, in my opinion.

I have only two points to discuss.

1. If you are STILL living in the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region, then I feel that your first sentence should be "As a young adult who has lived in ...."

2. Your last paragraph is filled with rhetorical questions. As you know, rhetorical questions do NOT expect an answer. They are simply a more dramatic way to make a statement.

You may wish to change the order of the words in those rhetorical questions:

How ridiculous can a government be to ignore its citizens' voice?
How heartless can the police be to use such violence against peaceful protesters?
How shameless can a chief executive be to refuse a face-to-face dialogue?


Congratulations again on your very good English.



James
 

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I have run out of time, but I can make some suggestions later. (For example, say serious trouble, not a serious trouble. Also, it's 89 tear gas canisters.)

:up:
 

MiboMibo

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Hello, MiboMibo:

Grammar-wise, you have done a great job, in my opinion.

I have only two points to discuss.

1. If you are STILL living in the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region, then I feel that your first sentence should be "As a young adult who has lived in ...."

2. Your last paragraph is filled with rhetorical questions. As you know, rhetorical questions do NOT expect an answer. They are simply a more dramatic way to make a statement.

You may wish to change the order of the words in those rhetorical questions:

How ridiculous can a government be to ignore its citizens' voice?
How heartless can the police be to use such violence against peaceful protesters?
How shameless can a chief executive be to refuse a face-to-face dialogue?


Congratulations again on your very good English.



James

Hi, TheParser:

Thank you for your comment. I think I should write "had lived in ..." instead of "has been living in" since I'm currently living overseas. It's pity that I can do nothing to help Hong Kong in a foreign country except pinning a yellow ribbon on the clothes. Hoping that people can win and achieve what they deserve in a peaceful way.

Mibo
 

TheParser

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I think I should write "had lived in ..." since I'm currently living overseas.

Mibo


***** NOT A TEACHER *****

I agree. Or you could even write: "As a young adult who lived in Hong Kong for more than 18 years, I ...."

As the moderator reminded us, we can comment only on the language aspects. So I cannot express my opinions on the other statements in your latest post.


James
 

Tarheel

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Hi,


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hong Kong Democracy



As a young adult who lived in Hong Kong for more than 18 years, I really love the dynamic lifestyle in Hong Kong. However, Hong Kong is in serious trouble today, which raises a question -- do Hong Kong citizens deserve a real democracy? After the handover from the UK to China in 1997, Hong Kongers have become confused about their identities and also worry about the future of Hong Kong under the governance of China. The treaty of "One country, Two systems"was signed off by both Chinese and British parties, and Hong Kongers fundamentally can live under different rules from China, called “basic law”, meaning that people can enjoy the freedom of speech and the freedom of press. Also, universal suffrage was claimed in order to provide the people a voice in their government. But that hasn't happened up to this time. Every time people go on the street to strike for universal suffrage, they are not listened to, and even they are even viewed as radicals.

:)
 

MiboMibo

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Hi,

Thank you very much, buddy. Your version is definitely more organised and delicate. The original one was a bit messy since I couldn't come across better vocabularies in the writing sometimes.

Mibo
 

Tarheel

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I forgot my eyeglasses today. (D'oh!)

On the 31stof August 2014, a restructuring of the election method in 2017 wasadvocated by the Chinese government, which is even restricted andless free than the election method today. The new system authorizes1,200 people on behalf of 8 millions Hong Kong citizens to pre-selectthe candidates of the chief executive election before Hong Kongcitizens are allowed to vote for their favor. It is not a realuniversal suffrage, but a trick. This incited the students from theHong Kong university to unfold the first class boycott in Hong Kongand invite our chief executive, CY Leung to a meeting.

Try:


On the 21st of August2014, a restructuring of the election method (to start in 2017) was advocated by the Chinese government. That method will be more restrictive and less free than the election method used today. The new method authorizes 1200 people on behalf of 8 million Hong Kong citizens to pre-select the candidates for the election for chief executive. (Hong Kong citizens are not allowed to vote for their favorite.) It is not a real universal suffrage, but it's a trick. It's a sham. This incited the students from Hong Kong University to unfold the first class boycott in Hong Kong and invite our chief executive, Cy Leung, to a meeting.


 

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This is from the original (though I don't think Tarheel corrected the errant thes: ' people can enjoy [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] freedom of speech and [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] freedom of the press'.

Also, I have no idea what 'the first-class boycott' is. If I knew, I could perhaps suggest the right words to use!

b

PS In your subject line, I'm not sure that 'phenomenon' is the right word. I'd probably say 'situation' or 'developments'.
 
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emsr2d2

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The students didn't "unfold" a boycott, first-class or otherwise. I'm not even sure what they boycotted. I didn't follow the story that carefully but I was only aware of the students demonstrating and protesting. What did they boycott? Did they refuse to buy Chinese-made goods or something like that?
 

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Maybe - this is just a guess - the OP was using 'boycott' in its original sense of what is now called 'a rent-strike'.

b
 

TheParser

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[Tarheel] our chief executive, Cy Leung


[/QUOTE]


It is NOT important, but I believe that the OP was correct in referring to CY Leung.

1. His name is Leung Chun-ying.
2. Chinese surnames come first. (Mr. Leung)
3. To avoid confusing Westerners, many Chinese rearrange their names. Thus: Chun-ying Leung.
4. I did some googling, and I found both CY Leung and C.Y. Leung.
 

tedmc

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Based on the recent street demontrations in HK recenty, I have written a short essay to express my feelings


Paragraph 2

On the 31st of August 2014, a restructuring of the election (method)
law/system in 2017(election law passed in 2007?) was advocated by the Chinese government, which is even restricted and less free (more restrictive) than the election (method) system today. The new system authorizes 1,200 people on behalf of 8 millions Hong Kong citizens to pre-select the candidates of the Chief Executive election before Hong Kong citizens are allowed to vote for their favor(their candidates). It is not a real(true) universal suffrage, but a trick. This incited (the) students from (the) Hong Kong university to unfold (stage) the first class boycott in Hong Kong and invited our chief executive, CY Leung to a meeting. Days after, the event was developed (spread) to an (occupying) Central where(which) is (the) Hong Kong's major business district since the government refused the invite (of) to the conversation. (Accordingly)Subsequently, more people (went) took to the streets to protest (the) for democracy in Hong Kong, voicing their concern (regarding on) about the fake universal suffrage and the useless government. Although this is the largest demonstration ever in Kong, it is peaceful and people are (self-) disciplined, which successfully (achieves the) draws international appreciation and support.


Howbeit (However?) , on the 29th, over (100) a hundred thousand of protesters (had)experienced the darkest period in Hong Kong. Riot police (stepped up as) were deployed to evacuate the protesters (out of) from the streets (with radical) by force. Despite the use of 89 canisters of tear gas and pepper spray, (this) the action (triggered) prompted more (reinforce) people to support the protesters on the streets. People used umbrellas for defense against (the) pepper spray attack and used plastic (wrap) covers to protect their eyes and skin from the tear gas. Also, the people (built up) formed obstacles to prevent the assault. The police were (condemned)censured (due to) for their unprofessional and (immoral decision) unethical actions and were even (were) deemed as political (tools)accessories.


Hong Kong is a developed city and (also) one of the biggest international trade centres in the world.The people earn an average salary of 35,000 HKD (around 4,511 USD) monthly, (but people can't) yet they cannot enjoy the basic right enshrined in a democracy, which is the right to choose. Hong Kongers (cannot choose a path for their future) are deprived of the right to chart their own future, but (are provided everything unpractical by the Chinese government automatically) are subject to the dictates of the Central Government . To be frank, many disadvantages(unwelcome changes) have been brought to Hong Kong since 1997. The (extreme increase of migrated people from China) unprecedented influx of people from the mainland, the steep rise of commodity prices, the chaos of the city order, paring down of Hong Kong citizens'social welfare(... These) are (all) some examples of what our motherland has brought to Hong Kong since we don't have a real representative leader to control the affairs in Hong Kong. Hong Kong people could only (bear all those nonsense implement if citizens didn't awake and fight for the things) continue to put up with unreasonable and ridiculous changes if its citizens do not wake and put up a fight against the oppression and mistreatment by the central government.

Interesting read. I will edit the last two paragraphs later.
 
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BobK

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Re Howbeit: yes, it's an archaic way of saying 'However'. It's pronounced as three syllables: How[ever it may] be-it, or to use a more currently acceptable synonym 'Be that as it may' (this, too, is fairly archaic [grammatically], but it's idiomatic).

b
 

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The students didn't "unfold" a boycott, first-class or otherwise. I'm not even sure what they boycotted. I didn't follow the story that carefully but I was only aware of the students demonstrating and protesting. What did they boycott? Did they refuse to buy Chinese-made goods or something like that?

Well, I wasn't sure about unfold, but I didn't know at the time what to replace it with. I am still not sure. (Any suggestions?) As for the name, when initials are used (in this country, at least), we generally use periods after the initials. (Example: A. J. Foyt) As for the boycott, they were boycotting their classes (but I am sure you know that by now). (It was not a first class boycott in the sense of being a really good one, but the first time that had happened.)

(BTW, I can see better today. I remembered my eyeglasses. :))
 

Tarheel

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Hong Kong Democracy



As a young adult who lived in Hong Kong for more than 18 years, I really love the dynamic lifestyle in Hong Kong. However, Hong Kong is in serious trouble today. That raises a question: do Hong Kong citizens deserve a real democracy? After the handover from Great Britain to China in 1997, Hong Kongers have started to be confused about their identities and also to worry about the future of Hong Kong under the governance of China. The treaty of "One country, Two systems"was signed by both Chinese and British parties, and Hong Kongers fundamentally can live under different rules from the rest of China, called “basic law”, meaning that people can enjoy freedom of speech and freedom of the press. Also, universal suffrage was claimed in order to provide freedom and democracy to Hong Kong people, yet this claim has not been carried out. Every time people go on the street to demonstrate for their aspiration of universal suffrage, they are not listened to, and they are even viewed as radicals.

Isn't that better? (MiboMibo, do you have trouble with your space bar? :))
 
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Tarheel

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On the 31stof August 2014, a restructuring of the election methods (to start in 2017) was advocated by the Chinese government. It is more restrictive and less free than the election method used today. The new system authorizes 1,200 people on behalf of 8 million Hong Kong citizens to pre-select the candidates for the election for chief executive election. Hong Kong citizens are not allowed to vote for their favorite. It is not a real universal suffrage, but a trick. It's a sham. This incited the students from Hong Kong University to begin the first boycott of their classes in Hong Kong history and invite our chief executive, CY Leung to a meeting.

I don't know what an occupying central is, but in any case say that the government refused an invitation to the discussions.


:)
 
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