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  1. Boris Tatarenko's Avatar
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    #1

    one early morning (story)

    Hello.

    I've just written a short story, but I think I've made several mistakes though I can't find them.
    Would you mind checking it?

    One early morning an unknown car arrived in Sunshine City. The weather was great as usual: the sun was shining and birds were singing. The driver of the strange car intentionally parked his vehicle outside the bank, which was one of the wealthiest banks of the town. As for the city, the life flowed in a usual way: children were hurrying to school while their parents were going to work. However, there were a lot of citizens who were still asleep. There was complete serenity and nobody expected any trouble.
    The car stopped and two persons got out of it. They were Clive and Connie, who were elusive gangsters and well-known because of an enormous number of robberies. Moreover, the bandits were wanted in more than 11 states of the US. Doubtlessly, they came here because they wanted to rob this bank. Clive, who was a leader, looked around carefully and decided to walk slowly into the bank. He was wearing ordinary clothes. Sure, he didn’t want people to concentrate attention on him. When Clive was in the bank, he was still looking round carefully.
    Suddenly, he pulled out a gun, which followed his master for the whole life, and people, who noticed it started yelling and trembling in fear. “Don’t move!” Clive shouted angrily several times. While the most elusive gangster was trying to silence these people, a woman who was extremely close to Clive burst out screaming as loudly as she could. In several minutes, the whole bank was silent and didn’t move at all except one person. It was a manager who hurried out from his office to look what was going on there. “What do you want?” the manager asked Clive in a brave way. “Give me all the money” Clive replied immediately in an aggressive way.
    The bank manager, who certainly had a special plan, nodded several times and bent down to open the safe. Suddenly, he pressed an alarm bell button down the counter. The bell went off extremely loudly. Clive didn’t expect it and he was deafened by the bell. The professional gangster lost his head and he accidently shot at the manager three times. The brave man dropped dead and people, who were taken as hostages, started screaming and crying because of the fear. The two policemen rushed into the bank and suggested that Clive put down his weapon. Clive didn’t hesitate and he dropped his gun, pushed it away and lifted up his hands. The policemen arrested him immediately.
    Connie, who was staying outside during the whole operation, was deeply frightened because she had never been in such situations. She knew that everything was over. She got into the car, switched on the engine and drove away as fast as possible. Eventually, the police didn’t catch her, but they were still looking for her. However, Connie decided to mend her ways, do away with this criminal lifestyle and start everything over.

    Thanks in advance.
    Last edited by Boris Tatarenko; 14-Oct-2014 at 19:50.
    Please, correct all my mistakes. I should know English perfectly and if you show me my mistakes I will achieve my dream a little bit faster. A lot of thanks.

    Not a teacher nor a native speaker.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: one early morning (story)

    You can't find the mistakes, and it's too easy for me. Well, there are punctuation problems. (For one thing, you need to space between paragraphs.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post

    One early morning an unknown car arrived in Sunshine City. The weather was great as usual: the sun was shining and birds were singing. The driver of the strange car intentionally parked his vehicle outside the bank, which was one of the wealthiest banks of the town. As for the city, life went on as usual: children were hurrying to school while their parents were going to work. However, there were a lot of people who were still asleep. There was complete serenity, and nobody expected any trouble.
    There are some interesting word choices there. (I wouldn't use "wealthiest" to describe a bank, but it's not wrong.)


  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: one early morning (story)

    I am not a writer of fiction, but there is one thing that writers of novels and short stories typically do. They do not tell. They show. They don't say: "This guy is a bank robber." Instead, they describe what he does.

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    The car stopped, and two people got out of it. They were Clive and Connie, who were elusive gangsters and well-known because of an enormous number of robberies. Moreover, the bandits were wanted in more than 11 states of the US. Doubtlessly, they came here because they wanted to rob this bank. Clive, who was the leader, looked around carefully and decided to walk slowly into the bank. He was wearing ordinary clothes. Sure, he didn’t want people to concentrate attention on him. When Clive was in the bank, he was still looking round carefully.

  4. probus's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: one early morning (story)

    "Early one morning" is a stock phrase and cliche of enormous prevalence. Replacing it with "one morning early" requires a strong literary justification, and I do not think that justification is present in your text.

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: one early morning (story)

    Quote Originally Posted by probus View Post
    "Early one morning" is a stock phrase and cliche of enormous prevalence. Replacing it with "one morning early" requires a strong literary justification, and I do not think that justification is present in your text.
    Yes, and how did I miss that?


  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: one early morning (story)

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    Suddenly, he pulled out a gun, which followed his master for the whole life, and people, who noticed it started yelling and trembling in fear.
    Why say that he pulled out a gun suddenly, and why does that mean?

    What is meant by "which followed his master for the whole life", and why is it there?

    Say: "People who noticed it yelled and trembled in fear."


  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: one early morning (story)

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    “Don’t move!” Clive shouted angrily several times.
    Why was he angry? (He wasn't. He just wanted to intimidate the crowd of customers.)


  8. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: one early morning (story)

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    While the most elusive gangster was trying to silence these people, a woman who was extremely close to Clive burst out screaming as loudly as she could.
    Clive was only elusive in the sense that he hadn't been caught yet. Also, I assume that Clive was the loudest person in the room until a woman who was standing nearby burst out screaming as loudly as she could.

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    In several minutes, the whole bank was silent and didn’t move at all except one person.
    1. Banks don't move.
    2. What happened during those "several minutes"?


  9. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: one early morning (story)

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    It was a manager who hurried out of his office to see what was going on. “What do you want?” the manager asked Clive in a brave way. “Give me all the money” Clive replied immediately in an aggressive way.
    We are supposed to believe the bank manager is brave because you say he is brave? Also, Clive is waving a gun around and shouting. You don't think that tells us enough about his manner?



  10. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: one early morning (story)

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    The bank manager, who certainly had a special plan, nodded several times and bent over to open the safe. Suddenly, he pressed an alarm bell button underneath the counter. The bell went off extremely loudly. Clive was surprised by it, and he was deafened by the bell.
    You use the word "Suddenly" there in a meaningless way. (Perhaps "unobtrusively" would work better.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    The professional gangster lost his head and he accidently shot at the manager three times.
    Really? It was an accident?


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