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    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Oct 2014
    • Posts: 1
    #1

    Can you help me edit my college addmiss. essay introduction please

    Thank you so much in advance

    My essay starts off like this


    My passion is to help people(maybe use everyone). There is no greater joy than seeing a smile on someone’s face. I have been raised with a great deal of compassion and dedication to help others. Stories of survival, pain and hope really inspire me to continue my dream to be in the medical field. Life struggles such as my mother, really drives me to perform my best. She was stricken with Rheumatoid Arthritis when I was 9 years old. After seeing her world collapse, it humbled my life. Living with, battling with, standing right beside her and helping her throughout my life really motivated me to do more. So I have (irreversibly) decided that I will become a rheumatologist.

    Thanks for reading ^^

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • Malaysia
      • Current Location:
      • Malaysia

    • Join Date: Apr 2014
    • Posts: 3,329
    #2

    Re: Can you help me edit my college addmiss. essay introduction please

    My passion is to help people(maybe use everyone, I prefer 'people' ). There is no greater joy than seeing a smile on someone’s face. I have been raised with a great deal of compassion and dedication to help others. Stories of survival, pain and hope really inspire me to continue(pursue) my dream to be in the medical field. Life struggles such as with my mother, really drive(s) me to perform my best. She was stricken with rheumatoid arthritis when I was 9 years old. After seeing her world collapse, it humbled my life. Living with, battling with, standing right beside her and helping her throughout my life really motivated me to do more. So I have (irreversibly) decided that I will become a rheumatologist. (I have resolved to become a rheumatologist).
    Last edited by tedmc; 22-Oct-2014 at 06:49.

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