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[chiko]

We acknowledge receipt of your application forms for candidacy registration with a pay in slip for shs.310, 000/=.

We regret to inform you that you have not been registered due to the fact you have not submitted your transcript and we have been trying to contact you through your mobile phone but your were not reachable and the time when you were reachable you were not picking your mobile phone.

In your application form you have indicated that you have completed BBA Accounting in 2014 while your statement of result shows you have completed bachelor Degree in 2013 , we fail to understand which year have completed your Bachelor Degree? Is it 2013 0r 2014 and if it is on 2013 why you have not submitted your Transcript up to this time.

We would therefore advise you to submit your transcript in order to be registered for January 2015 registration.

Yours sincerely,

 

[Jill Dorchester]

Re: help to edit my letter

We regret to inform you that you have not been registered due to the fact you have not submitted your transcript and we have been trying to contact you through your mobile phone but your were not reachable and the time when you were reachable you were not picking your mobile phone.

You don't have to provide this much detail here. You can simply say: We regret to inform you that you have not been registered due to the fact that you have not submitted your transcript. We have been unsuccessful in our many attempts to contact you via your mobile phone.

In your application form you have indicated that you have completed BBA Accounting in 2014 while your statement of result shows you have completed bachelor Degree in 2013 , we fail to understand which year have completed your Bachelor Degree? Is it 2013 0r 2014 and if it is on 2013 why you have not submitted your Transcript up to this time.

Again, this portion can be simplified: You indicated in your application that you completed BBA Accounting in 2014, while your statement of result shows that you completed your Bachelor degree in 2013. This matter needs to be clarified and we must receive your transcript before you can be considered for January 2015 registration.

 

[Barb_D]

Re: help to edit my letter

"Due to the fact that" is rarely good writing.
Replace it with "because."