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    #1

    Editing my paragraph

    Hi! i wrote a paragraph about childhood obesity. Can someone help me? grammar mistakes or outlining.

    Thank you.

    The Impact of Food Advertising on Childhood Obesity

    More and more children are suffering serious public health problems. Such as diabetes. Because there is no relation between their weight and height measurements. There are many reasons for increase obese children. Such as poor diet, lack of physical exercise and effect of watching too much television. In my opinion, major reasons of obesity is advertising. Children are allowed to watch too much television. And they are eating snacks while watching TV. So, they watch all the TV commercials. Fast food ındustries usually use television to sell their products. Especially, they aimed at young children. They are showing junk food is fun, colorful and animated. They obviously appeal to children. Young children are naive about misleading advertising and donít understand that advertisement are not always true. Children lack of self control to all of these media products. They approach to food emotionally. To conclude, I think the food companies are very irresponsible. Because, they are very aware of the impact their adverts have on young children. Parents should protect their children from advertisement. I strongly believe that advertising is the major reason of childhood obesity.

  1. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Editing my paragraph

    Welcome to the forum.

    What is the purpose of your paragraph? Is it part of a longer essay? When are you going to submit it to your teacher for marking/grading?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #3

    Re: Editing my paragraph

    Thank you. :)

    I just try to write a paragraph. It is not homework. I am trying to improve my english. I need a help for seeing my mistakes. I am preparing for YDS exam.

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    #4

    Re: Editing my paragraph

    not a teacher

    The Impact of Food Advertising on Childhood Obesity


    More and more children are suffering serious public health problems Such such as diabetes. Because there is no relation between their weight and height measurements They are getting obese with their weights out of proportion compared to their heights. There are many reasons for the increase in the number of obese children Such : poor diet, lack of physical exercise and the effect of watching too much television. In my opinion, the major reasons of for obesity in children is advertising. Children are allowed to watch too much television. And they are eating snacks while watching TV. So, they watching all the TV commercials. Fast food ındustries usually use the television to sell their products Especially, they which are especially aimed at young children. They are showing show that junk food is fun, colorful and animated exciting. They It obviously appeal to children. Young children are naive about misleading and are being mislead by the advertising and donít understand that advertisements are not always true. Children lack of the self control not to be influenced by all of these media products. They approach react to food emotionally impulsively . To conclude, I think the food companies are very irresponsible Because, as they are very aware of the impact their adverts have on young children. Parents should protect their children from advertisements. I strongly believe that advertising is the major reason of for childhood obesity.
    Last edited by tedmc; 02-Nov-2014 at 16:24. Reason: Added "not a teacher"

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