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  1. Boris Tatarenko's Avatar
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    #1

    a story

    I've written a story about UFOs and I would like you to check it. It's not my homework.

    Does it sound good and natural? What would you suggest? Did I describe it well?

    An unfolded mystery
    Everybody has heard and read a lot of myths about UFOs. However, there is an interesting story about the Englishman who claims that he was abducted by a bunch of aliens.
    It happened in 1965 in the South of England. Mr. Burton, who is a retiree, was keen on fishing. One day the weather forecast was good enough: there was a full moon and the sky was clear. Mr. Burton was an avid fisherman, thatís why he could not miss such a good chance to fish.

    He decided to set off really early. Doubtlessly, He didnít expect anything strange and mysterious to happen. Mr. Burton was going to the his favorite point when, suddenly, he was blinded by a bright light which he had never seen there before. The whole field was lit up and there were some strange noises. Mr. Burton could not believe his eyes - it was a flying saucer. Certainly, he had heard a lot of stories about UFOs, but he always laughed at and considered them to be made-up.

    When the strange flying object landed, the oval door opened and two creatures appeared. Mr. Burton squinted to see who they were. He was absolutely shocked when he realized that they were extraterrestrial. It was impossible for him to escape because they would certainly catch him if he ran. Thatís why he kept standing and staring at the aliens.

    They came up to him and started to speak English with a funny accent. Despite the fact that Mr. Burton was frightened, he managed to survey them and he noticed that they were wearing green suits and holding space guns. They explained to him that he needed to follow them, otherwise they would force him to follow. Mr. Burton didnít have a choice but follow them. Besides, he lost his words when he saw extraterrstials went through the wall like ghosts. They came out on the field where there was their spaceship. Mr. Burton claimed there were a plenty of oval windows and everything was beaming and shining like a rainbow. He didnít even notice how he went up to the UFO because he was completely awed by the light.

    The spaceship looked small outside, but it was really spacious with a lot of panels with buttons and several strange rooms. The extraterrestrial told Mr. Burton to stand under the red light and wait for several minutes. The old man was bewildered because they constantly threatened him with their weapons. Moreover, Mr. Burton wasnít wearing his glasses that day and that was the problem: he couldnít find the red light! He was looking for it until one of the aliens pointed him where he was supposed to stay. The old man felt how they were examining and scanning him with strange devices, but it wasnít painful at all.

    Suddenly, all panels turned off and Mr. Burton started worrying, he thought they were going to kill him. All of a sudden, the door opened and the alien came up to the man and explained that he didnít fit their experiment, because he was too old and ill. Mr. Burton didnít understand what it meant, but the alien smiled and said that they would bring him back. Finally, they left Mr. Burton on the field where they had abducted him and flew away.

    Next morning, Mr. Burton went to the police office and told what he had seen. The police could not believe. They thought Mr. Burton went crazy because of the loneliness. Several hours later, the old man received a call from the Ministry of Defence and he was told to keep silence about that night. Mr. Burton didnít forget that day and he was silent for such a long time. Several years later, he decided to say everything he knew. He started giving a lot of interviews and writing books about UFOís. Mr.Burton is a famous writer now.
    Please, correct all my mistakes. I should know English perfectly and if you show me my mistakes I will achieve my dream a little bit faster. A lot of thanks.

    Not a teacher nor a native speaker.

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      • Chinese
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      • Malaysia
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      • Malaysia

    • Join Date: Apr 2014
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    #2

    Re: a story

    An unfolded mystery

    Everybody has heard and read a lot of myths about UFOs. However, there is an interesting story about the an Englishman who claims that he was has been abducted by a bunch of aliens.

    It happened in 1965 in the South of England. Mr. Burton, who is was a retiree, was keen on fishing. One day the weather forecast was good enough: there it was a full moon and the sky was clear. Mr. Burton was an avid fisherman, that’s why he could not miss such a good chance to fish.

    He decided to set off really early. Doubtlessly, he didn’t expect anything strange and mysterious to happen. Mr. Burton was going to the his favorite point when, suddenly, he was blinded by a bright light which he had never seen there before. The whole field was lit up and there were some strange noises. Mr. Burton could not believe his eyes - it was a flying saucer. Certainly, he had heard a lot of stories about UFOs, but he always laughed at them and considered them to be made-up.

    When the strange flying object landed, the oval door opened and two creatures appeared. Mr. Burton squinted to see who they were. He was absolutely shocked when he realized that they were extraterrestrial. It was impossible for him to escape because they would certainly catch him if he ran. That’s why he kept standing and staring at the aliens.

    They came up to him and started to speak English with a funny accent. Despite the fact that Mr. Burton was frightened, he managed to survey them and he noticed that they were wearing green suits and holding space guns. They explained to him that he needed to follow them, otherwise they would force him to follow. Mr. Burton didn’t have a choice but follow them. Besides, he lost his was at a loss for words when he saw extraterrestials went through the wall like ghosts. They came out on the field where there was their spaceship. Mr. Burton claimed there were a plenty of oval windows and everything was beaming and shining like a rainbow. He didn’t even notice how he went up to the UFO because he was completely awed by the light.

    The spaceship looked small outside, but it was really spacious with a lot of panels with buttons and several strange rooms. The extraterrestrial told Mr. Burton to stand under the red light and wait for several minutes. The old man was bewildered because they constantly threatened him with their weapons. Moreover, Mr. Burton wasn’t wearing his glasses that day and that was the problem: he couldn’t find the red light! He was looking for it until one of the aliens pointed him to where he was supposed to stay. The old man felt how they were examining and scanning him with strange devices, but it wasn’t painful at all.

    Suddenly, all panels were turned off and Mr. Burton started worrying, he thought they were going to kill him. All of a sudden, the door opened and the alien came up to the man and explained that he didn’t fit their experiment, because he was too old and ill. Mr. Burton didn’t understand what it meant, but the alien smiled and said that they would bring him back. Finally, they left Mr. Burton on the field where they had abducted him and flew away.

    Next morning, Mr. Burton went to the police office and told the police what he had seen. The police could not believe it. They thought Mr. Burton went crazy because of the loneliness. Several hours later, the old man received a call from the Ministry of Defence and he was told to keep silencesilent about that night. Mr. Burton didn’t forget that day and he was silent for such a long time. Several years later, he decided to say tell everything he knew. He started giving a lot of interviews and writing books about UFO’s. Mr.Burton is a famous writer now.

    Note: I would prefer the title to be called ' A Mystery Unfolded'.
    Last edited by tedmc; 02-Nov-2014 at 04:52.

  2. Boris Tatarenko's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: a story

    Thank you very much.
    I'd like to listen to a native speaker as well.
    Please, correct all my mistakes. I should know English perfectly and if you show me my mistakes I will achieve my dream a little bit faster. A lot of thanks.

    Not a teacher nor a native speaker.

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: a story

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    An unfolded mystery
    Everybody has heard and read a lot of myths about UFOs. However, there is an interesting story about the Englishman who claims that he was abducted by a bunch of aliens.
    Try:

    Everybody has heard or read stories about UFOs. Bill Burton had heard those same stories, but he didn't believe them until one day a very strange thing happened to him.

    See the difference?


  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: a story

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    It happened in 1965 in the South of England. Mr. Burton, who is a retiree, was keen on fishing. One day the weather forecast was good enough: there was a full moon and the sky was clear. Mr. Burton was an avid fisherman, that’s why he could not miss such a good chance to fish.
    Try:

    It was 1965 in the south of England. Bill Burton, a retiree, was an avid fisherman. There was a full moon, and the sky was clear. Bill liked to fish at night, and he thought there was a good chance he would catch something.

    Oh, this is exciting!

    (Notice that we haven't mentioned the aliens yet. Don't hit your readers over the head. Give things a chance to build. ("It was an ordinary day. Things started out in an ordinary way."))


  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: a story

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post

    He decided to set off really early.
    Okay, he's not setting off at night. He's doing it early in the morning.

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    Doubtlessly, He didnít expect anything strange and mysterious to happen. Mr. Burton was going to the his favorite point when, suddenly, he was blinded by a bright light which he had never seen there before. The whole field was lit up and there were some strange noises. Mr. Burton could not believe his eyes - it was a flying saucer. Certainly, he had heard a lot of stories about UFOs, but he always laughed at and considered them to be made-up.
    Try:

    Bill was headed for his favorite fishing spot when he was suddenly blinded by a bright light. The whole field was lit up, and there were some strange noises. Bill could not believe his eyes -- it was a flying saucer.

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    When the strange flying object landed, an oval door opened and two creatures appeared. They were not nothing he had ever seen before.
    Now we know that his day has taken a totally unexpected turn.


  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: a story

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post

    Mr. Burton squinted to see who they were.
    That line doesn't make sense unless he somehow expects to recognize them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    He was absolutely shocked when he realized that they were extraterrestrials. It was impossible for him to escape because they would certainly catch him if he ran. Thatís why he kept standing and staring at the aliens.
    Well, we have already established that he had never seen anything like that before. Also, he certainly could run away, but he couldn't escape, because nobody has captured him. In fact, I think Bill would do just what I would do. He would stay there to see what would happen next.


  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: a story

    Well, Bill didn't think he would be captured and taken aboard the alien spaceship. If he had known that he might have gotten out of there fast.

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post



    They came up to him and spoke English with a funny accent.


    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post
    Despite the fact that Mr. Burton was frightened, he managed to survey them and he noticed that they were wearing green suits and holding space guns.
    How do we know he was frightened? Was he shaking? Was he sweaty?

    The word "survey" doesn't work very well there. Maybe you should just say they were wearing green suits and holding space guns. (What's a space gun?)


  8. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: a story

    Quote Originally Posted by Boris Tatarenko View Post



    They explained to him that he needed to follow them, otherwise they would force him to follow.
    Nope, that doesn't work. Say:

    They told him to follow them.

    And they pointed their silly space guns at him.


  9. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: a story

    Some free advice. Don't get too attached to anything.

    Also, why did the space aliens speak English and not, for example, Russian?


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