a story

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Boris Tatarenko

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I've written a story about UFOs and I would like you to check it. It's not my homework.

Does it sound good and natural? What would you suggest? Did I describe it well?

An unfolded mystery
Everybody has heard and read a lot of myths about UFOs. However, there is an interesting story about the Englishman who claims that he was abducted by a bunch of aliens.
It happened in 1965 in the South of England. Mr. Burton, who is a retiree, was keen on fishing. One day the weather forecast was good enough: there was a full moon and the sky was clear. Mr. Burton was an avid fisherman, that’s why he could not miss such a good chance to fish.

He decided to set off really early. Doubtlessly, He didn’t expect anything strange and mysterious to happen. Mr. Burton was going to the his favorite point when, suddenly, he was blinded by a bright light which he had never seen there before. The whole field was lit up and there were some strange noises. Mr. Burton could not believe his eyes - it was a flying saucer. Certainly, he had heard a lot of stories about UFOs, but he always laughed at and considered them to be made-up.

When the strange flying object landed, the oval door opened and two creatures appeared. Mr. Burton squinted to see who they were. He was absolutely shocked when he realized that they were extraterrestrial. It was impossible for him to escape because they would certainly catch him if he ran. That’s why he kept standing and staring at the aliens.

They came up to him and started to speak English with a funny accent. Despite the fact that Mr. Burton was frightened, he managed to survey them and he noticed that they were wearing green suits and holding space guns. They explained to him that he needed to follow them, otherwise they would force him to follow. Mr. Burton didn’t have a choice but follow them. Besides, he lost his words when he saw extraterrstials went through the wall like ghosts. They came out on the field where there was their spaceship. Mr. Burton claimed there were a plenty of oval windows and everything was beaming and shining like a rainbow. He didn’t even notice how he went up to the UFO because he was completely awed by the light.

The spaceship looked small outside, but it was really spacious with a lot of panels with buttons and several strange rooms. The extraterrestrial told Mr. Burton to stand under the red light and wait for several minutes. The old man was bewildered because they constantly threatened him with their weapons. Moreover, Mr. Burton wasn’t wearing his glasses that day and that was the problem: he couldn’t find the red light! He was looking for it until one of the aliens pointed him where he was supposed to stay. The old man felt how they were examining and scanning him with strange devices, but it wasn’t painful at all.

Suddenly, all panels turned off and Mr. Burton started worrying, he thought they were going to kill him. All of a sudden, the door opened and the alien came up to the man and explained that he didn’t fit their experiment, because he was too old and ill. Mr. Burton didn’t understand what it meant, but the alien smiled and said that they would bring him back. Finally, they left Mr. Burton on the field where they had abducted him and flew away.

Next morning, Mr. Burton went to the police office and told what he had seen. The police could not believe. They thought Mr. Burton went crazy because of the loneliness. Several hours later, the old man received a call from the Ministry of Defence and he was told to keep silence about that night. Mr. Burton didn’t forget that day and he was silent for such a long time. Several years later, he decided to say everything he knew. He started giving a lot of interviews and writing books about UFO’s. Mr.Burton is a famous writer now.
 

tedmc

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An unfolded mystery

Everybody has heard and read a lot of myths about UFOs. However, there is an interesting story about [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] an Englishman who claims that he [STRIKE]was [/STRIKE] has been abducted by a bunch of aliens.

It happened in 1965 in the South of England. Mr. Burton, who [STRIKE]is[/STRIKE] was a retiree, was keen on fishing. One day the weather forecast was good [STRIKE]enough[/STRIKE]: [STRIKE]there[/STRIKE] it was a full moon and the sky was clear. Mr. Burton was an avid fisherman, that’s why he could not miss such a good chance to fish.

He decided to set off really early. Doubtlessly, he didn’t expect anything strange and mysterious to happen. Mr. Burton was going to [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] his favorite point when, suddenly, he was blinded by a bright light which he had never seen there before. The whole field was lit up and there were some strange noises. Mr. Burton could not believe his eyes - it was a flying saucer. Certainly, he had heard a lot of stories about UFOs, but he always laughed at them and considered them to be made-up.

When the strange flying object landed, the oval door opened and two creatures appeared. Mr. Burton squinted to see who they were. He was absolutely shocked when he realized that they were extraterrestrial. It was impossible for him to escape because they would certainly catch him if he ran. That’s why he kept standing and staring at the aliens.

They came up to him and started to speak English with a funny accent. Despite the fact that Mr. Burton was frightened, he managed to survey them and he noticed that they were wearing green suits and holding space guns. They explained to him that he needed to follow them, otherwise they would force him to follow. Mr. Burton didn’t have a choice but follow them. Besides, he [STRIKE]lost his [/STRIKE] was at a loss for words when he saw extraterrestials went through the wall like ghosts. They came out on the field where there was their spaceship. Mr. Burton claimed there were a plenty of oval windows and everything was beaming and shining like a rainbow. He didn’t even notice how he went up to the UFO because he was completely awed by the light.

The spaceship looked small outside, but it was really spacious with a lot of panels with buttons and several strange rooms. The extraterrestrial told Mr. Burton to stand under the red light and wait for several minutes. The old man was bewildered because they constantly threatened him with their weapons. Moreover, Mr. Burton wasn’t wearing his glasses that day and that was the problem: he couldn’t find the red light! He was looking for it until one of the aliens pointed him to where he was supposed to stay. The old man felt how they were examining and scanning him with strange devices, but it wasn’t painful at all.

Suddenly, all panels were turned off and Mr. Burton started worrying, he thought they were going to kill him. All of a sudden, the door opened and the alien came up to the man and explained that he didn’t fit their experiment, because he was too old and ill. Mr. Burton didn’t understand what it meant, but the alien smiled and said that they would bring him back. Finally, they left Mr. Burton on the field where they had abducted him and flew away.

Next morning, Mr. Burton went to the police office and told the police what he had seen. The police could not believe it. They thought Mr. Burton went crazy because of the loneliness. Several hours later, the old man received a call from the Ministry of Defence and [STRIKE]he [/STRIKE]was told to keep [STRIKE]silence[/STRIKE]silent about that night. Mr. Burton didn’t forget that day and he was silent for such a long time. Several years later, he decided to[STRIKE] say [/STRIKE] tell everything he knew. He started giving a lot of interviews and writing books about UFO’s. Mr.Burton is a famous writer now.

Note: I would prefer the title to be called ' A Mystery Unfolded'.
 
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Boris Tatarenko

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Thank you very much.
I'd like to listen to a native speaker as well.
 

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An unfolded mystery
Everybody has heard and read a lot of myths about UFOs. However, there is an interesting story about the Englishman who claims that he was abducted by a bunch of aliens.

Try:

Everybody has heard or read stories about UFOs. Bill Burton had heard those same stories, but he didn't believe them until one day a very strange thing happened to him.

See the difference?

:)
 

Tarheel

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It happened in 1965 in the South of England. Mr. Burton, who is a retiree, was keen on fishing. One day the weather forecast was good enough: there was a full moon and the sky was clear. Mr. Burton was an avid fisherman, that’s why he could not miss such a good chance to fish.

Try:

It was 1965 in the south of England. Bill Burton, a retiree, was an avid fisherman. There was a full moon, and the sky was clear. Bill liked to fish at night, and he thought there was a good chance he would catch something.

Oh, this is exciting! :-D

(Notice that we haven't mentioned the aliens yet. Don't hit your readers over the head. Give things a chance to build. ("It was an ordinary day. Things started out in an ordinary way."))

:)
 

Tarheel

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He decided to set off really early.

Okay, he's not setting off at night. He's doing it early in the morning.

Doubtlessly, He didn’t expect anything strange and mysterious to happen. Mr. Burton was going to the his favorite point when, suddenly, he was blinded by a bright light which he had never seen there before. The whole field was lit up and there were some strange noises. Mr. Burton could not believe his eyes - it was a flying saucer. Certainly, he had heard a lot of stories about UFOs, but he always laughed at and considered them to be made-up.

Try:

Bill was headed for his favorite fishing spot when he was suddenly blinded by a bright light. The whole field was lit up, and there were some strange noises. Bill could not believe his eyes -- it was a flying saucer.​

When the strange flying object landed, an oval door opened and two creatures appeared. They were not nothing he had ever seen before.

Now we know that his day has taken a totally unexpected turn.

:)
 

Tarheel

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Mr. Burton squinted to see who they were.

That line doesn't make sense unless he somehow expects to recognize them.

He was absolutely shocked when he realized that they were extraterrestrials. It was impossible for him to escape because they would certainly catch him if he ran. That’s why he kept standing and staring at the aliens.

Well, we have already established that he had never seen anything like that before. Also, he certainly could run away, but he couldn't escape, because nobody has captured him. In fact, I think Bill would do just what I would do. He would stay there to see what would happen next.

:)
 

Tarheel

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Well, Bill didn't think he would be captured and taken aboard the alien spaceship. If he had known that he might have gotten out of there fast.

They came up to him and spoke English with a funny accent.



Despite the fact that Mr. Burton was frightened, he managed to survey them and he noticed that they were wearing green suits and holding space guns.

How do we know he was frightened? Was he shaking? Was he sweaty?

The word "survey" doesn't work very well there. Maybe you should just say they were wearing green suits and holding space guns. (What's a space gun?)

:)
 

Tarheel

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They explained to him that he needed to follow them, otherwise they would force him to follow.

Nope, that doesn't work. Say:

They told him to follow them.

And they pointed their silly space guns at him.

;-)
 

Tarheel

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Some free advice. Don't get too attached to anything.

Also, why did the space aliens speak English and not, for example, Russian?

:)
 

Tarheel

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They came up to him and spoke English with a funny accent. He noticed that they were wearing shiny green space suits and carrying something that looked like guns. They told him to follow them. He could not say no. He became speechless Bill became speechless when he saw extraterrestrials walk through the wall like ghosts ghosts. He was completely awed by the light of the bright spaceship.

:)
 

Tarheel

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The spaceship was small on the outside, but it was really spacious on the inside with a lot of panels with buttons that lit up. The extraterrestrial told Mr. Burton to stand under the red light and wait for several minutes. But he couldn’t find the red light. He was looking for it when one of the aliens pointed to where he was supposed to stand. The old man noticed that they were examining him with strange devices.

Suddenly, all the panels turned off, and Mr. Burton started worrying. He didn't know what they planned to do with him next.. All of a sudden, the door opened and the alien came up to the man and explained that he didn’t fit their experiment, because he was too old and ill. Mr. Burton didn’t understand what that meant, but the alien smiled and said that they would be back. Finally, they left Mr. Burton on the field where they had abducted him and flew away.

Next morning, Mr. Burton went to the police office and told them what he had seen. The police did not believe him. They thought he had made it up. Several hours later, the old man received a call from the Ministry of Defence and he was told to keep silent about that night. Mr. Burton didn’t forget that day, and he kept things to himself for a long time. Several years later, he decided to say everything he knew. He gave a lot of interviews and wrote books about UFO’s. Mr.Burton is a famous writer now.

I would like to know more about what happened aboard the spaceship.

(In AE we would say police station.)

:)
 

Tarheel

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It's a nice irony. When Bill heard stories about UFOs, he didn't believe them. Then when he told a story about a UFO to somebody else, they didn't believe him.

:)
 

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That line doesn't make sense unless he somehow expects to recognize them.
:)

I agree with Tarheel, it would be better to say he squinted to what ​they were.
 

Mrfatso

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In BrE we would say Police Station too, or simple say he reported it to the Police.
 

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I agree with Tarheel. It would be better to say he squinted to see what ​they were.

I have found that I always agree with those who agree with me.

;-)
 
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