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    #1

    Satisfaction, part three

    Please would you take a look at my text and correct my mistakes.

    Imagine these hard-working people returning home. They are enervated, irritated and hungry. Some of them have been promoted, some demoted, some bullied, and some have the best time of their lives. But in the afternoon they all have the same goal. They want to arrive to their homes as soon as possible. After that, they will eat some food, watch TV, read a book or their favourite papers and magazines and go to sleep. Even if they wished to stay awake late in the night, their bodies will signal they have reached their limits. The commute from work in the afternoon is probably worse than the one in the morning, what with nervous, irritated, and angry people, who had lost patience years ago, when they had understood they were going to commute until they drop dead.

    Now imagine the same group of people coming home as usual. They are trudging up the stairs, their heads heavy and bobbing up and down, their eyes sleepy and downcast. They open the doors of their respective homes, and there in the hall is a large brown sack. Everyone is extremely curious. The sack is big enough to hold at least 30 kg of potatoes. Anna walks up carefully towards it and sees that there is a notice attached on it, which says, “This is a present for you.” She unties the rope, looks inside and screams of excitement. Her heart pounds wildly. She shoves her hand inside, pulls out a few thick bundles of bank notes, and stares and gapes at them in disbelief. She pulls a note out of the bundle and holds it against the light. Her heart is now pounding as if it were going to explode.

    The note is real, made from polymer and has watermarks and a metallic thread. It feels wonderful in her fingers and she inhales deeply the subtle scent of the ink, which in this moment smells like an exclusive perfume. She pulls out more bundles, hugs them on her breast and throws them to the floor shouting with happiness. Her hands shake when she grabs her mobile phone, dials her mother’s number and tells her the great news. She reels off a few sentences, before Mother interrupts her, telling her there is a sack in her home, also. She is as overwhelmed as her daughter and she can hardly speak of excitement. In the last years, she started to worry about her pension and her future, but today she is relieved. The words tumble out of the women, who tell each other about their plans. Anna’s children are never going to be hungry again, never lack anything, and never feel shame in front of other children. They will live in a proper house where there are no cockroaches scurrying across the floor, and where there is no draught from the rotten windows and doors.

    Anna calls her friends and hears the same story. There is a brown sack in every home. There is mass hysteria humankind has never experienced before. Within hours, there are parties in every street, enormous firework displays, concerts, barbecues...People hug each other, kiss their neighbours and passers-by. Streets are so overcrowded that it is almost impossible to walk, and the traffic has come to a stop. The owners of the cars are honking their horns until the batteries are finished. Tomorrow they will throw their cars to a scrap yard and buy instead a Porsche, McLaren, Ferrari, Jaguar...
    People are drawing up grand plans. They will buy everything they were not able to buy before. They will travel to the places they have only read about or seen on TV. They will sail all over the world; they will fly into suborbital space, and dive deep in the ocean. There will be no limits to their imaginations. They will build mansions and castles, artificial lakes and seas. They will have enormous parties and amusement parks, and they will create paradise on earth in which there will be no wars or violence. Why should people come into conflict if they lack nothing?
    TO BE CONTINUED

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Satisfaction, part three

    It looks like I missed parts one and two. Oh well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post



    Imagine these hard-working people returning home from work. They are enervated, irritated and hungry. Some of them have been promoted, some demoted, some bullied, and some have had the best time of their lives. But in the afternoon they all have the same goal. They want to get home as soon as possible. After that, they will eat some food, watch TV, read a book or their favourite papers and magazines and go to sleep. Even if they wished to stay awake late in the night, their bodies would signal they have reached their limits. The commute from work in the afternoon is probably worse than the one in the morning, what with nervous, irritated, and angry people, who had lost patience years ago, when they had understood they were going to commute until they drop dead.
    I love the ending of that last sentence. (I am pretty much out of time for now.)


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    #3

    Re: Satisfaction, part three

    Now imagine the same group of people coming home as usual. They are trudging up the stairs, their heads heavy and bobbing up and down, their eyes sleepy and downcast. They open the doors of their respective homes, and there in the hall is a large brown sack. Everyone is extremely curious. The sack is big enough to hold at least 30 kg of potatoes. Anna walks up carefully towards it and sees that there is a notice attached onto it, which says, “This is a present for you.” She unties the rope, looks inside and screams of in excitement. Her heart pounds wildly. She shoves her hand inside, pulls out a few thick bundles of bank notes, and stares and gapes at them in disbelief. She pulls a note out of the bundle and holds it against the light. Her heart is now pounding as if it were going to explode.

    The note is real, made from polymer and has watermarks and a metallic thread. It feels wonderful in her fingers and she inhales deeply the subtle scent of the ink, which in at this moment smells like an exclusive perfume. She pulls out more bundles, hugs them on her breast and throws them to the floor shouting with happiness. Her hands shake when she grabs her mobile phone, dials her mother’s number and tells her the great news. She reels off a few sentences, before Mother interrupts her, telling her there is a sack in her home, also. She is as overwhelmed as her daughter and she can hardly speak of from the excitement. In the last years, she started to worry about her pension and her future, but today she is relieved. The words tumble out of the women, who tell each other about their plans. Anna’s's children are never going to be hungry again, will never lack anything, and will never feel shame in front of other children. They will live in a proper house where there are no cockroaches across the floor, and where there is no draught from the rotten windows and doors.

    Anna calls her friends and hears the same story. There is a brown sack in every home. There is mass hysteria humankind has never experienced before. Within hours, there are parties in every street, enormous firework displays, concerts, barbecues...People hug each other, kiss their neighbours and passers-by. Streets are so overcrowded that it is almost impossible to walk, and the traffic has come to a stop. The owners of the cars are honking their horns until the batteries are finished. Tomorrow they will throw their cars to a scrap yard and buy instead a Porsche, McLaren, Ferrari, Jaguar...

    People are drawing up grand plans. They will buy everything they were not able to buy before. They will travel to the places they have only read about or seen on TV. They will sail all over the world; they will fly into suborbital space, and dive deep in the ocean. There will be no limits to their imaginations. They will build mansions and castles, artificial lakes and seas. They will have enormous parties and amusement parks, and they will create paradise on earth in which there will be no wars or violence. Why should people come into conflict if they lack nothing?







  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Satisfaction, part three

    I've got a bunch of other stuff to look at, so I'll do one paragraph for now.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Now imagine the same group of people coming home as usual. They are trudging up the stairs, their heads heavy and bobbing up and down, their eyes sleepy and downcast. They open the doors of their respective homes, and there in the hall is a large brown sack. Everyone is extremely curious. The sack is big enough to hold at least 30 kg of potatoes. Anna walks up carefully towards it and sees that there is a note attached to it, which says, “This is a present for you.” She unties the rope, looks inside and screams with excitement. Her heart pounds wildly. She shoves her hand inside, pulls out a few thick bundles of bank notes, and stares at them in disbelief. She pulls a note out of the bundle and holds it against up to the light. Her heart is now pounding as if it were going to explode.
    The first sentence is okay. The second sentence is, well, weird. Their heads are heavy? And bobbing up and down? Also, why are they sleepy and downcast? As for the third sentence, in American homes there is no room called a hall (unless you're really really rich). As for the term bank notes, that might work some places, but Americans would say something like hundred-dollar bills. (Technically, they are Federal Reserve notes.)


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    #5

    Re: Satisfaction, part three

    Hello Tarheel,

    Thank you for helping me and correcting my mistakes. I wrote that their heads are heavy and bobbing up and down, and they are sleepy and downcast, because they are exhausted after a long working day. Regarding the world "hall", I can say that I use to write my texts in British English. I think that in American English you call a "hall" "entry." I can say the same regarding the word "bank notes" or "notes". These are the words you use for a piece of paper money in British English.
    Last edited by Bassim; 08-Nov-2014 at 23:11.

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Satisfaction, part three

    The people are all worn out because they have such heavy heads.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post

    The note is real, made from polymer, and has watermarks and a metallic thread. It feels wonderful in her fingers and she inhales deeply the subtle scent of the ink, which in this moment smells like an exclusive perfume. She pulls out more bundles, hugs them to her breast and throws them to the floor shouting with happiness. Her hands shake when she grabs her mobile phone, dials her mother’s number and tells her the great news. She reels off a few sentences before Mother interrupts her, telling her there is a sack in her home, also. She is as overwhelmed as her daughter and she can hardly speak because she is so excited. In the last years, she had been worrying about her pension and her future, but today she is relieved. The words tumble out of the women, who tell each other about their plans. Anna’s children are never going to be hungry again, never lack anything, and never feel shame in front of other children. They will live in a proper house where there are no cockroaches scurrying across the floor, and where there is no draught from the rotten windows and doors.

    Anna calls her friends and hears the same story. There is a brown sack in every home. There is mass hysteria humankind has never experienced before. Within hours, there are parties on every street, enormous fireworks displays, concerts, barbecues...People hug each other, kiss their neighbours and passers-by. Streets are so crowded that it is almost impossible to walk through the crowds, and the traffic has come to a stop. The owners of the cars are honking their horns until the batteries are finished. Tomorrow they will take their cars to a scrap yard and buy instead a Porsche, McLaren, Ferrari, Jaguar...
    You do realize what will happen, don't you, if everybody suddenly has a great deal more cash?


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    #7

    Re: Satisfaction, part three

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    People are drawing up grand plans. They will buy everything they were not able to buy before. They will travel to the places they have only read about or seen on TV. They will sail all over the world; they will fly into suborbital space, and dive deep in the ocean. There will be no limit to what they can do. They will build mansions and castles, artificial lakes and seas. They will have huge parties and create amusement parks, and they will create paradise on earth in which there will be no wars or violence. Why should people come into conflict if they lack nothing?
    TO BE CONTINUED
    Well, I can't respond to that last sentence without violating forum rules.


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    #8

    Re: Satisfaction, part three

    Tarheel,
    Thank you so much for your help. I am just wondering if it is wrong in English to write as I did in a sentence. "Tomorrow they will throw their cars to a scrap yard."
    Is it grammatically incorrect to say, for example "throw a car to a scrap yard"?

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