Any suggestion for these sentences?

[xobli]

Hi, everyone,

I have three sentences about the topic team-working, which are in the end of the paragraph for proving the importance of team-working. It seems that I can omit the second "can you" in the last paragraph, and just using "For example," instead of the first sentence. I know the example is a little short. But for an composition with 250 maximum length, it's hard for me to make a example in a clear and specific way. Also, the grader typically just takes a 10 seconds glimpse on each composition then determines the grade. So someone said that it is a better for me to lengthen the "For example" just like this.
I am looking forward to your suggestions.

No better illustration of this idea can be thought than the example mentioned below. A person who is assigned various jobs along the production lines will make a mess just because no one can be proficient in all the things. Only by cooperating with other people can you put your capacities into ful play and can you be the winner in the society.

 

[Tarheel]

Teamwork

Evidently, "team-working" is a real word.

Hi, everyone,

I have three sentences (about the topic team-working), which are in the end of the paragraph for asserting the importance of team-working. It seems that I can omit the second "can you" in the last paragraph, and just using "For example," instead of the first sentence. I know the example is a little short. But for a composition with 250-word maximum length, it's hard for me to make a example in a clear and specific way. Also, the grader typically just takes a 10-second-glimpse of each composition then determines the grade. So someone said that it is a better for me to lengthen the "For example" just like this. I am looking forward to your suggestions.

No better illustration of this idea can be used than the example mentioned below. A person who is assigned various jobs along the production lines will make a mess just because no one can be proficient in all t[STRIKE]he[/STRIKE] things. Only by cooperating with other people can you put your capacities into full play and can you be the winner in [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] society.

Yes, you can omit the second "can you". You can also substitute "a winner" for "the winner".