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    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Sinhalese
      • Home Country:
      • Sri Lanka
      • Current Location:
      • Sri Lanka

    • Join Date: Dec 2014
    • Posts: 2
    #1

    Please correct my Statement Of Purpose

    Dear Sir,
    I'm looking forward to applying for a graduate school to pursue my graduate studies. I wrote this statement of purpose myself and asked several people at my university to correct it for me. But nobody volunteered and some said they are busy until January I need to apply before January in order to meet the deadlines and to be on the safe side. I would be much obliged if you could kindly correct my SOP. Thanks again!!


    "My inherent tendency for economics emerged at a very young age where I didnít even know that there existed such a word. Even though I was an active cheerful kid, I never was a destructive one who broke all the toys apart.*** I was frugal instead. I still have most of them functioning even after 26 years. I have always been a farsighted decision maker without any influence of my parents at all. My passion for economics sprang up with a school field trip to the Central Bank of Sri Lanka. My dream has been to be a professional in economics ever since.


    Advanced Level examination is the hurdle that one has to go through to enter a university in Sri Lanka. Only about 9% of the students who take the examination get into a state university. Driven with my instinct for economics coupled with my dream, I majored economics in school. I was a frequent prize winner. At last my steadfast efforts and fanatical studies really put me on the track and placed me at the 30th place from the Colombo district and led me to the University of Peradeniya, one of the leading state universities in Sri Lanka. It is the only university that offers a bachelors degree in Computation and Management which requires Economics as a prerequisite and a higher Z-score. Very few students are selected and I was lucky enough to come to that handful.


    I had just finished the 1st semester of my 1st year as an undergraduate when I was diagnosed with Lymphoma (NHL), a malignant cancer that had infiltrated 20% of my bone marrow. I had to miss my batch to undergo a series of expensive chemotherapy for 6 months, the period I wish I could erase from my memory. I lost all my hair, immunity, skin color, my batch mates and above all I lost one priceless year of my life. When I was struggling alone to start from the scratch, I met this temporary lecturer who helped me to stand on my feet. She treated me like her own sister and stood by me. I didnít have any ideas on pursuing higher studies until I got to know about her plans for graduate studies in the USA. She inspired me. Despite all the hardships I faced, I determined not to give up until I reached my goal.


    During my four years of study, I could expand my knowledge on several subject areas: management, economics, computer science and mathematics. In my economics classes where students found many difficulties, I could further realize my great passion towards economics which enhanced my dream for graduate studies. During the first year I gained knowledge on introductory microeconomics and macroeconomics that offered me a solid foundation. During the second and third years I could explore advanced topics in economics through intermediate microeconomics, intermediate macroeconomics and econometrics. I am also enriched with the knowledge on business statistics, human resource management, business accounting, cost and management accounting, operations management, project management, strategic management, international marketing, entrepreneurship, business law, programming languages and artificial neural networks. I further believe that I am filled with the mathematical background needed for higher studies in economics. I followed courses on probability and statistics, calculus and linear algebra, mathematical analysis, real analysis. And I have the computing knowledge needed for statistical analysis.


    I could engage myself in a training period of three months as a degree requirement. It was favorable for me in applying the gained knowledge pragmatically. I was employed in the departments of finance and human resource management at BELA International (Pvt.) Ltd, one of the main Infrastructure Solutions and consultancy services providers to the government of Sri Lanka. In addition, I was appointed as the project coordinator of Biomed Hydropower project, Maliyadda. I could cooperate myself with the giant professionals in the industry. I was even offered with permanent employment. But unfortunately, I didn't want to divert from the journey towards my dream.


    Finally, I completed my undergraduate studies becoming the 2nd from a batch of 56 students with a second class honors (Upper Division) with a GPA of 3.62 out of 4. As a result, I was appointed as a Temporary Demonstrator in the Department of Statistics and Computer Science. Currently, I am responsible for conducting practical sessions and discussions. I am really enthusiastic about teaching.
    Development economics and labor economics are two of my most interested areas. This is because I am from a country that is still being developed. Other than that I am interested in international economics, environmental economics and econometrics. So I am planning to do my research studies on one of these fields. During my undergraduate studies I realized that there are many applications in these fields. I would love to explore my knowledge in above fields of my interest.


    My major career goal is to work as an academic professional while being an active contributor to the above mentioned fields as a research personal. In fact, in my country, it is rare to find resources and guidance to do research in these fields and I like to narrow this gap by sharing my knowledge with the people in my country. My ultimate vision is to become a more productive individual to the world by achieving the highest level that I can reach.


    To fulfill these goals, I could not seek a better place than the University of Texas at Dallas. I am astonished about the qualifications of the faculty members and the researches that are already being carried out in your institute. Also the courses and their content that are offered in your institute exactly match my goals. After considering these facts I can conclude that I finally found the place that I was looking for.


    By considering all these facts I hope that I have achieved the qualifications that will meet the standards of the University of Texas at Dallas and I am highly confident that I will be a suitable addition for your esteemed institute. Also I am extremely sure that I am capable enough to adapt to and perform all the duties and responsibilities that will be assigned to me as a Teaching Assistant or Research Assistant. I will be grateful to you if you could select me to do my further studies in your institution and I can give my word that I will justify your faith in me."

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia

    • Join Date: Dec 2014
    • Posts: 42
    #2

    Re: Please correct my Statement Of Purpose

    Your letter contains many English forms that are characteristic of a non-native speaker but are nevertheless effective in describing your personal situation. A full correction to near native standard would possibly give an inaccurate impression. Perhaps you should contact the university and attempt to gain some feedback on their expectations of the English used for the application.


    I don't know if you will get volunteers to work on such a long piece. Perhaps if you post each paragraph separately it will be less taxing.


    Here's a few suggestions re para 1

    1) This to me is not evidence of a capacity to study economics at graduate level - possibly delete

    My inherent tendency for economics emerged at a very young age where I didnít even know that there existed such a word. Even though I was an active cheerful kid, I never was a destructive one who broke all the toys apart.*** I was frugal instead. I still have most of them functioning even after 26 years. I have always been a farsighted decision maker without any influence of my parents at all.

    2)
    maybe Ok - what year? Not terribly rational
    My passion for economics sprang up with a school field trip to the Central Bank of Sri Lanka. My dream has been to be a professional in economics ever since.


    3) Driven with my instinct > driven by my interest/enthusiasm/passion - instinct is a mainly biological function not intellectual
    4) I was a frequent prize winner. > do you specific details?
    5) At last my steadfast efforts and fanatical studies really put me on the track > At last my steadfast efforts and dedicated studies put me on the track to tertiary studies - fanatical is too strong - fanatics may be crazy
    6) higher Z-score - explain please
    7) Very few students - how many?
    8) to come to that handful. > bad grammar - suggest: to be selected


    Advanced Level examination is the hurdle that one has to go through to enter a university in Sri Lanka. Only about 9% of the students who take the examination get into a state university. Driven with my instinct for economics coupled with my dream, I majored economics in school. I was a frequent prize winner. At last my steadfast efforts and fanatical studies really put me on the track and placed me at the 30th place from the Colombo district and led me to the University of Peradeniya, one of the leading state universities in Sri Lanka. It is the only university that offers a bachelors degree in Computation and Management which requires Economics as a prerequisite and a higher Z-score. Very few students are selected and I was lucky enough to come to that handful.

    9) Not sure any of the below is useful as I suspect university is more interested in your intellect than your health
    I had just finished the 1st semester of my 1st year as an undergraduate when I was diagnosed with Lymphoma (NHL), a malignant cancer that had infiltrated 20% of my bone marrow. I had to miss my batch to undergo a series of expensive chemotherapy for 6 months, the period I wish I could erase from my memory. I lost all my hair, immunity, skin color, my batch mates and above all I lost one priceless year of my life. When I was struggling alone to start from the scratch, I met this temporary lecturer who helped me to stand on my feet. She treated me like her own sister and stood by me. I didnít have any ideas on pursuing higher studies until I got to know about her plans for graduate studies in the USA. She inspired me. Despite all the hardships I faced, I determined not to give up until I reached my goal.

    10) could expand > bad grammar > suggest expanded/increased
    11) where students found many difficulties > ...maybe just talk about yourself
    12) could further realize my great passion towards economics > I further realized my great passion for economics
    13) enhanced my dream > strengthened my dream of undertaking graduate studies
    14) knowledge of > not > on
    15) was able to explore > not > could explore
    16) I took or completed courses > not > I followed courses
    17) I have > not > I am filled with


    During my four years of study, I could expand my knowledge on several subject areas: management, economics, computer science and mathematics. In my economics classes where students found many difficulties, I could further realize my great passion towards economics which enhanced my dream for graduate studies. During the first year I gained knowledge on introductory microeconomics and macroeconomics that offered me a solid foundation. During the second and third years I could explore advanced topics in economics through intermediate microeconomics, intermediate macroeconomics and econometrics. I am also enriched with the knowledge on business statistics, human resource management, business accounting, cost and management accounting, operations management, project management, strategic management, international marketing, entrepreneurship, business law, programming languages and artificial neural networks. I further believe that I am filled with the mathematical background needed for higher studies in economics. I followed courses on probability and statistics, calculus and linear algebra, mathematical analysis, real analysis. And I have the computing knowledge needed for statistical analysis.

    to be continued

    BTW - did you study in English at Peradeniya?





    Last edited by jawgar; 11-Dec-2014 at 03:34.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia

    • Join Date: Dec 2014
    • Posts: 42
    #3

    Re: Please correct my Statement Of Purpose

    18) I could engage myself in a training period of three months as a degree requirement. It was favorable for me in applying the gained knowledge pragmatically. > The modal verb could is tricky. It has many meanings and I suggest you study how to use it - use Google.

    19) I could engage myself in a training period of three months as a degree requirement. It was favorable for me in applying the gained knowledge pragmatically. > maybe > As part of my degree requirement I ..... This allowed me to put my learning into practice.


    20) I could cooperate myself with the giant professionals in the industry >bad grammar> .... Maliyadda where my co-workers were experienced professionals in the field of.....
    21) diverge not divert


    I could engage myself in a training period of three months as a degree requirement. It was favorable for me in applying the gained knowledge pragmatically. I was employed in the departments of finance and human resource management at BELA International (Pvt.) Ltd, one of the main Infrastructure Solutions and consultancy services providers to the government of Sri Lanka. In addition, I was appointed as the project coordinator of Biomed Hydropower project, Maliyadda. I could cooperate myself with the giant professionals in the industry. I was even offered with permanent employment. But unfortunately, I didn't want to divert from the journey towards my dream.

    22) are two of my most interested areas > suggest > are two areas I am particularly interested in
    23) I would love to explore my knowledge in above fields of my interest > suggest > I would love to develop my knowledge in the above fields.


    Development economics and labor economics are two of my most interested areas. This is because I am from a country that is still being developed. Other than that I am interested in international economics, environmental economics and econometrics. So I am planning to do my research studies on one of these fields. During my undergraduate studies I realized that there are many applications in these fields. I would love to explore my knowledge in above fields of my interest.

    24) academic professional > academic > don't need > professional
    25) contributor to the above > contributor in the above
    26) as a research personal. > as a researcher. (delete > personal.)
    27) individual to the world > individual for the world


    My major career goal is to work as an academic professional while being an active contributor to the above mentioned fields as a research personal. In fact, in my country, it is rare to find resources and guidance to do research in these fields and I like to narrow this gap by sharing my knowledge with the people in my country. My ultimate vision is to become a more productive individual to the world by achieving the highest level that I can reach.

    28) I could not seek a better > I could not choose/select a better..
    29) I am astonished about > I am astonished at
    30) researches > research + that is (non-count noun)
    31) I finally found > I have finally found ....I have been looking for

    To fulfill these goals, I could not seek a better place than the University of Texas at Dallas. I am astonished about the qualifications of the faculty members and the researches that are already being carried out in your institute. Also the courses and their content that are offered in your institute exactly match my goals. After considering these facts I can conclude that I finally found the place that I was looking for.

    32) By considering all these facts I hope that I have achieved the qualifications > maybe > By supplying these facts I hope that I will meet the entrance requirements for graduate studies at the .....
    33) I will be grateful to you if you could select me to do my further studies in your institution and I can give my word that I will justify your faith in me." > maybe not appropriate in Nth American culture

    By considering all these facts I hope that I have achieved the qualifications that will meet the standards of the University of Texas at Dallas and I am highly confident that I will be a suitable addition for your esteemed institute. Also I am extremely sure that I am capable enough to adapt to and perform all the duties and responsibilities that will be assigned to me as a Teaching Assistant or Research Assistant. I will be grateful to you if you could select me to do my further studies in your institution and I can give my word that I will justify your faith in me."


    Finally

    I wonder if you should give more detail of your academic interest and career so far e.g.
    What topics did you do major assignments on?
    What academics or economic philosophers have you encountered?
    What economic philosophical debates and controversies have excited your interest
    What journals do you read?

    I think you should give more specific details of what your economic interests cover


    Email me for deposit account details

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Sinhalese
      • Home Country:
      • Sri Lanka
      • Current Location:
      • Sri Lanka

    • Join Date: Dec 2014
    • Posts: 2
    #4

    Re: Please correct my Statement Of Purpose

    Wow i did not expect a reply this soon. Thanks a lot for your support. I studied in English only after entering the university. Therefore my English is full of flaws Thank you once again jawgar. I will correct the mistakes that you pointed out. Have a nice day!

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