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    #1

    Please help me out to correct my Personal Achievements Statement

    I am not sure that every point that I liked to make is meaningful for natives. Please correct my Personal Achievements Statement:

    ------------------------------
    I was raised in the city of Urumieh, a not so technologically advanced city, and studied in an inadequate school that prevented me from finding my passion, at least as early as I should have found it. Although it has passed many years, I recall the first time I came across a self-assemble electrical kit, courtesy of my cousin, and that's where my story begins. I can genuinely remember the excitement leading to building a "line-follower" prototype in the next few years, with the help of no mentor, but a couple of books and websites.


    Achieving this accomplishment, I set my goal to study in the best university of Iran, which nobody deemed possible for a student of my background. Interestingly enough, what many considered an impasse, I took as a challenge; having studied about 12 hours a day for almost a year finally paid off. In the summer of 2010, I was ranked 29th among more than 300,000 students in the Nationwide University Entrance Exam. For this matter, I had the opportunity to proceed my undergraduate studies at Sharif University of Technology, the most prestigious engineering university of Iran, where I enrolled on Electrical Engineering as my major to satisfy my thirst for knowledge. Nowadays, I am considered as a legend at my high school and I give speech from time to time, inspiring students to chase their dreams and have faith in their abilities.


    In my opinion, it is essential to have experiences very different than just educating to succeed in any field of endeavor. Regarding to difference in my mother tongue language from country's official language, I have always been considered a minority by the university community. However, this fact did not isolate me; it even encouraged me more to engage in various social activities. As a freshman, I participated in several extra curricular activities in my department and as a sophomore, my colleges and I held an Astronomical Observation Camping. During third and forth years, I had a part in holding a brand-new nationwide robotic competitions, named "SharifCup". In the first year of the competitions, I was head of Race and Fight league which provided me a valuable experience of Crisis Management in small scales since it was a new match of its kind and was full of unexpected events. In order to perfect the set of my undergraduate experiences, the following year, I chose to be responsible for financial fundings as an executive, which informed me of how a project can be difficult managing from financial point of view.


    Having all stated above in mind, from where I stand, following my graduate studies in -- department of ---- will definitely facilitate reaching my set objectives. I assure you that I will commit my utmost effort and meet the challenges necessary to achieve the most positive outcome in this endeavor.

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please help me out to correct my Personal Achievements Statement

    Quote Originally Posted by sinnnnna View Post
    I am not sure that everything is understandable in English. Please correct my Personal Achievements Statement:

    ------------------------------
    I was raised in the city of Urumieh, a not so technologically advanced city, and I studied at an inadequate school that prevented me from finding my passion, at least as early as I should have found it. Although many years have passed, I still remember the first time I came across a self-assemble electrical kit, courtesy of my cousin, and that's where my story begins. I can genuinely remember the excitement leading to building a "line-follower" prototype in the next few years, with the only help being a couple of books and a website or two.
    I don't think "self-assemble" is quite right. In fact, I don't know why you can't just say electrical kit.


    Quote Originally Posted by sinnnnna View Post
    Achieving this accomplishment, I set my goal to study at the best university of Iran, which nobody deemed possible for a student of my background. Also, what many considered an impasse, I took as a challenge; having studied about 12 hours a day for almost a year finally paid off. In the summer of 2010, I was ranked 29th among more than 300,000 students in the Nationwide University Entrance Exam. For this matter, I had the opportunity to proceed with my undergraduate studies at Sharif University of Technology, the most prestigious engineering university of Iran, where I enrolled with electrical engineering as my major to satisfy my thirst for knowledge. Nowadays, I am considered as a legend at my high school and I give speeches from time to time, inspiring students to pursue their dreams and have faith in their abilities.


    In my opinion, it is essential to have experiences very different from schoolwork alone to succeed in any field of endeavor. Regarding the difference between my mother tongue and the country's official language, I have always been considered a minority by the university community. However, that did not isolate me; it even encouraged me more to engage in various social activities. (How?) As a freshman, I participated in several extra curricular activities in my department and as a sophomore, my colleagues and I held an Astronomical Observation Camping.(Camp out?) During my junior and senior years, I had a part in holding a brand-new nationwide robotic competitions, named "SharifCup". In the first year of the competitions, I was head of Race and Fight league which provided me a valuable experience of Crisis Management in a minor way since it was a new match of its kind and was full of unexpected events. In order to perfect the set of my undergraduate experiences, the following year, I chose to be responsible for finances as an executive, which informed me of how a project can be difficult managing from the financial point of view.


    Having all stated above in mind, from where I stand, following my graduate studies in -- department of ---- will definitely facilitate reaching my set objectives. I assure you that I will commit my utmost effort and meet the challenges necessary to achieve the most positive outcome in this endeavor.
    You need to use shorter, simpler sentences -- especially with the last part.

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    #3

    Re: Please help me out to correct my Personal Achievements Statement

    Thank you in advance for such a complete answer.

    I did not understand what you meant by saying (Camp out?)

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Please help me out to correct my Personal Achievements Statement

    Quote Originally Posted by sinnnnna View Post
    Thank you in advance for such a complete answer.
    Frankly, I fail to see the point of thanking somebody in advance (for something they haven't done). However, that is not what you are doing there. You are thanking me for something I have done. So it doesn't even apply. Plus, for that you can use the "Thanks" button.

    Quote Originally Posted by sinnnnna View Post
    I did not understand what you meant by saying (Camp out?)
    That refers to:

    Astronomical Observation Camping

    I think "Astronomical Observation Camp Out" makes more sense. (I am about 90% sure you are going outside to look at the night sky.)

    Last edited by Tarheel; 16-Dec-2014 at 20:40. Reason: Fix something

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Please help me out to correct my Personal Achievements Statement

    Somebody once said that a gentleman should always say what he means and mean what he says.

    The first thing:

    It is or is not a fact that a person is a part of a minority group. How that person is treated as a result of that is another matter.

    The other thing:


    To say that because people discourage you, abuse you, ignore you (by turns), and because of that you are more encouraged than before to socialize with other students is like saying that now that you are blind you can see better than you could before.

    There is a reason that I have said to people several times that they should make shorter, simpler sentences. It is for the sake of clarity.

    (I thought you engineer types didn't like being around people anyway. The stereotype is that you love your jobs but you can't stand people.)


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    #6

    Re: Please help me out to correct my Personal Achievements Statement

    I do not know why my mind always generates vey long sentences. I do not like it either.

    Engineers are the Best , JK

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Please help me out to correct my Personal Achievements Statement

    Quote Originally Posted by sinnnnna View Post
    Engineers are the Best , JK
    We couldn't do without them. (I was going for humor, but I forgot the-->)


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    #8

    Re: Please help me out to correct my Personal Achievements Statement

    I do not people how address your name, writing in these forms, Mr Tarheel, Dear Tarheel, or Tarheel to start typing.
    Anyways, ... Tarheel, I really liked your works in theses forms. Next year , I'm probably going to study in US and writing articles are one of my main jobs in there. I want to write essays without mistakes. What is your suggestion as a start point for exercising more? Unfortunately, I do not have much free time during week maybe just a two or three hours.

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    #9

    Re: Please help me out to correct my Personal Achievements Statement

    Usually we just use the person's user name. (And on this thread there are only two of us, so you don't need to bother.)

    You want to exercise your writing skills? Write more! Write about everything you can think of. That's the best way to improve. Practice! Practice! Practice!

    Got to go!

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