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    #1

    New Member Here - Please Evaluate My Essay

    Hello,

    I am preparing for IELTS. I wrote my 1st essay today. Please evaluate and provide me your valuable feedback.

    P.S : Sorry for my bad handwriting. I am also trying to improve that.








  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: New Member Here - Please Evaluate My Essay

    That modern society is "heavily integrated with technology" is what makes it modern. Also, would people who decry modern technology like to go back to a time when people had to worry about contracting bubonic plague or smallpox?

    How about more facts and less opinion?

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    #3

    Re: New Member Here - Please Evaluate My Essay

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    That modern society is "heavily integrated with technology" is what makes it modern. Also, would people who decry modern technology like to go back to a time when people had to worry about contracting bubonic plague or smallpox?

    How about more facts and less opinion?

    Thanks for the feedback. I will make the required changes.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: New Member Here - Please Evaluate My Essay

    A brief comment. Isn't "sick patients" redundant?


  3. probus's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: New Member Here - Please Evaluate My Essay

    "A brief comment. Isn't "sick patients" redundant?"

    In everyday usage, of course, but not in medical jargon. My children are doctors, and in medical school they were taught to decide which patients were "sick" and which were not. To doctors "sick" patients are those who are at risk of dying soon. Notwithstanding how much they may be suffering, the other patients are not "sick" in that technical sense.

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: New Member Here - Please Evaluate My Essay

    Since I am not a doctor, I probably wouldn't use sick patients. (Interesting commentary.)

    If were to proofread that whole thing, I probably should get paid to do it.


  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: New Member Here - Please Evaluate My Essay

    Re:

    Does modern technology make life more convenient, or was life better when technology was simpler?


    Perhaps:

    Does modern technology make life better, or was life better when there were no planes, no trains, no automobiles, and no email?



  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: New Member Here - Please Evaluate My Essay

    Re:

    Modern society is heavily integrated with technology.


    Perhaps:


    Modern society is dominated by the tools we use. We depend on computers, which are part of every facet of our lives. In just a few short decades they have become handier and more useful and more necessary. We use them every day, every hour, every minute.


  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: New Member Here - Please Evaluate My Essay

    Say:

    Many people suggest that life was better in the past when technology was more primitive, but I disagree.

    Why suggest instead of say?

    Last edited by Tarheel; 20-Dec-2014 at 19:57. Reason: Change lower case "i" to a capital "i"

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    #10

    Re: New Member Here - Please Evaluate My Essay

    It is my potent belief that the more technology advances, the more the quality of lives of people increases.

    It is my firm belief that the more technology improves, the better the quality of life people enjoy.

    not a teacher

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