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    #1

    The Divine Afflatus

    Please would you take a look at my poem and correct my mistakes.

    The Divine Afflatus

    A bottle or Rioja and another of Merlot did the trick.
    A shudder arouse within him,
    an unstoppable torrent swept his mind, and he stood up.

    A word begot more words,
    sentences climbed up to unimaginable heights.
    their power and beauty filling him with a delicious sensation.
    He was Pericles, Socrates, Ghandi and Lincoln in one.
    Wow! People in the pub lauded, toasted to his act.

    The next Saturday he plied himself with the same wine
    but nothing stirred, no movement in his brain cells.
    His mouth was shut.

    For weeks and months, he tried to kindle fires,
    open gates, turn valves.
    Nothing happened, except throbbing headaches
    and terrible hangovers with the opening of his eyes.

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: The Divine Afflatus

    There is only one thing I might change. (See below.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Wow! People in the pub lauded him and toasted his act.
    Would I write better poetry if I drank some wine?

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    #3

    Re: The Divine Afflatus

    Tarheel,
    Thank you for taking a look at my poem.
    Maybe you can drink just one glass. People say that wine is good for heart, but I do not know. I seldom drink alcohol. But my late father used to drink a tumblerful of slivovitz every morning, and I have never seen him drunk. I had a relative who used to visit us once or twice a year, and he would be drunk around midnight, and then he would start singing the old Bosnian folk songs, at least until 2 am.

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    #4

    Re: The Divine Afflatus

    A bottle or Rioja and another of Merlot did the trick.
    A shudder arouse within him,
    an unstoppable torrent swept his mind, and he stood up.

    A shudder is an uncontrollable, involuntary action, which cannot be aroused. The collocation is not appropriate.
    The tense is also not right. It should be 'was aroused' if the word is to be used.


    A shudder ran through him?

    not a teacher


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    #5

    Re: The Divine Afflatus

    tedmic,
    Thank you for pointing out this mistake. I understand now that I wrote wrongly "arouse" when it should have been "arose"
    "A shudder arose within him,"

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: The Divine Afflatus

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Tarheel,
    Thank you for taking a look at my poem.
    Maybe you can drink just one glass. People say that wine is good for heart, but I do not know. I seldom drink alcohol. But my late father used to drink a tumblerful of slivovitz every morning, and I have never seen him drunk. I had a relative who used to visit us once or twice a year, and he would be drunk around midnight, and then he would start singing the old Bosnian folk songs, at least until 2 am.
    I like that story. (I don't think I would even finish the slivovitz before I would be out like a light.)

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: The Divine Afflatus

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post

    The Divine Afflatus

    A bottle of Rioja and another of Merlot did the trick.
    A shudder ran within him,
    I agree with tedmc's suggestion.

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