Student or Learner
Greetings to all;
I need to write an e-mail to some universities asking the as i am eligible "“Educational Leadership” Master's Degree Programme at University of Jyväskylä Finland" as my previous degree is MBA in HR, I wrote this but I don't know if I should correct some things. I'd really appreciate any help with this. This is the e-mail:
any help will be highly appreciatedThis is to request more information about your “Educational Leadership” Master's Degree Programme at University of Jyväskylä Finland. I am extremely interested in this course and I am anxious to apply for it in your renowned university for admission in 2015.
I am currently teaching and handling educational administrative affairs’ role in helping students succeed in Pakistan so first, I would like inquire about qualification and in particular, as my previous degree is “MBA in Human Resource” and is the “MBA-HR” one of your accepted qualifications? If so, I would be grateful if you could indicate the academic entry requirements of Jyväskylä Finland University for Pakistani students.
Second, I would greatly appreciate some information about the English language requirements for EU Applicants from a non-English speaking country and, I accepted and enrolled,
Thank you in advance for your attention to my request. I look forward to receiving your response.
Okay, there are several mistakes from the point of view of making sense or being clear:
Firstly, in the second sentence, the phrase "I am anxious to apply for it in your renowned university" doesn't make sense. (Use: '...apply to your renowned...'
Secondly, the final part of the long first sentence of the second paragraph doesn't make sense. Try breaking the sentence up.
Thirdly, the third paragraph sentence doesn't make sense (from "...and, I accepted and enrolled,").
You should get these right first.