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    • Join Date: May 2006
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    Post can any one correct me essay

    hiiii everyone

    i have to submit this essay this week and i really need every one help in correcting this .
    i'll be glad your help
    here is it:

    Wining One Million O.R

    Although I am happy in my personal life, I donít mind dreaming of winning one million OR as many people do. In fact, every body dreams to change his\her life to better and comfortable ways. I really hope that dream comes true one day, because I have a lot of things which I would like to change it in my personal life in different ways, So if I win that amount or more , here is what I would do of .

    First of all , I would like to improve my life style to the best , So I would buy a big villa which included many big rooms surrounded by a beautiful garden in a high area . Also, I would like each person in my family to have a luxurious car like Jaguar and Mercedes with drivers. In addition, I would buy a private plane that enables us to travel around the world every summer.

    Second, I would like to use some of that money in different useful investments that get good incomes to my account. For example, buy some shares in many companies, and buy and sell houses or cars. Also, I would like to open a beauty parlous especially for women in several areas. In addition, I would like to open
    a private college or institute to teach every subject those students need for them education.

    However, wining a lot of money would definitely made change in people's life and attitude in many different ways. Thus, if that happened to me, I really would like to change for the best and bring a good reputation as a modest milliner person with a lovely personality.

    All these are only my personal dreams of what I will do if I win a million OR. And in the reality for most of us, our way of life is connected with many important factors as will as money. So, having money would make you do whatever you dreamed about it.

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    Re: can any one correct me essay

    OR as many people do- this doesn't make sense- delete 'or'
    every body- one word
    which I would like to change it- something needs deleting here
    would do of- what is the preposition connecting?
    like Jaguar and Mercedes- article missing and change the conjunction
    that get good incomes- change verb
    to my account- unnecessary phrase
    open a beauty- how many? you use a singular article and then the plural
    parlous- wrong word
    every subject those students- that
    them education- possessive not object
    wining- spelling
    would definitely made - what verb form comes after would?
    bring a good reputation- earn/get
    milliner person- milliner is a person, so person is unnecessary
    will do if I win- tenses
    whatever you dreamed about it- unnecessary pronoun

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