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    #1

    Please grade my essay!

    Hello!
    I am preparing for TOEFL by my own, and unfortunately I don't have anyone to grade my essay.
    I would be infinitely grateful if you could spare your precious time to have a look on my essay and comment on it!
    I am willing to hear any form of advice or comment on it, every single one would be of a great help to me.
    Thank you very much! That's 559 words by the way.

    Question: Has television destroyed communication?

    Almost everybody loves watching the television. Since its invention, television has been loved widely across the whole world and caused many people to be addicted to it, until terms like Ďcouch potatoí were even made. Because of this nature, television is often accused of being the prime suspect of breaking bonds between families and friends. However, I donít think this is true at all. In this essay, I would provide some reasons and explanations to corroborate my view.

    Majority of the people who advocate the idea of television severing relationships imagine a rather common scene: family members or friends not talking to each other because they are too busy watching the television in their own rooms. However, I think this is a rather erroneous stereotype. As far as I know, most of the families have a single television in their living room, rather than separate ones in their own rooms. And when they want to watch a
    programme, they watch it together in the living room. Instead of destroying communication between family members, television actually help to bring them together. If it werenít for the television, I am pretty sure the people would rarely come out of their rooms to spend time with their family.

    The second reason why I think television can help to improve communication is because they provide topics to talk and discuss about in our everyday lives. Television shows a variety of programmes regarding numerous topics- celebrities, politics, animals, science, and so many more that I canít even state them all. It is quite common for us to discuss about whatwe have watched in the television with our families and friends. Without television, I am pretty sure we would be deprived of topics to talk about. As an expatriate, I remember how boring my life used to be before the local television had included the channel from my home country. After the change, surprisingly I found myself talking more often with my parents as we discussed about the television programmes we have watched, or telling one another about programmes that either I or they missed. I became closer to my parents and now there isnít hardly a day I donít talk with my parents about things I have watched in the television.

    Television also helps to improve our communication skills and language. I believe watching television is one of the best ways to improve your pronunciation and listening skills, or learn a new language. While watching programmes, we can naturally grow familiar to listening and analyzing information. Not only that, it helps learning a new language fairly easy, as what you see on the screen supports what you hear. Even though you are completely ignorant on the language, you can still understand what is going on. For instance, most of the babies learn how to speak from childrenís programme nowadays. They follow what the characters are saying naturally while watching them. Even the scientists acknowledge that this is a pretty effective way to help the childrenís linguistic skills.

    As a conclusion, I would like to state that television has made our life so much enjoyable by rendering valuable information and helped us to indulge in more talks with our families and friends, although this fact is denied by some people who are still unwilling to accept the benefits television has brought into our lives.

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please grade my essay!

    You can watch basketball games on TV. (I could watch the Tar Heels play if I had a TV.)

    In conclusion, I won't be watching the UNC Men's basketball game today, but I will be able to listen to it on the radio.


  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Please grade my essay!

    I don't think television has destroyed communication. I talked to some people today about the Tar Heels basketball team.


  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Please grade my essay!

    Quote Originally Posted by lionontheshore View Post
    Hello!
    I am preparing for TOEFL on my own, and unfortunately I don't have anyone to grade my essay.

    What is your favorite TV network? (One of my favorites is National Geographic channel.)

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Please grade my essay!

    Quote Originally Posted by lionontheshore View Post

    Almost everybody loves watching the television.
    Terms are not made. They are invented.

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    #6

    Re: Please grade my essay!

    Terms are also coined.

    There are not too many mistakes in your essay. I'd say it is above average.

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Please grade my essay!

    One good thing is that you made paragraph breaks. (You spaced between paragraphs.)

    It is pointless to say "As a conclusion", because anybody can clearly see that it is coming to an end at that point.

    Quote Originally Posted by lionontheshore View Post
    Hello!


    Question: Has television destroyed communication?

    Almost everybody loves watching the television. Since its invention, television has been loved widely across the whole world and caused many people to be addicted to it, until terms like Ďcouch potatoí were even made. Because of this nature, television is often accused of being the prime suspect of breaking bonds between families and friends. However, I donít think this is true at all. In this essay, I would provide some reasons and explanations to corroborate my view.

    You could say television has been blamed for things, but "accused" is not a good choice.

    Quote Originally Posted by lionontheshore View Post
    Majority of the people who advocate the idea of television severing relationships imagine a rather common scene: family members or friends not talking to each other because they are too busy watching the television in their own rooms.
    To advocate something is to promote something. Clearly, "advocate" is not a good choice there.

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    #8

    Re: Please grade my essay!

    'Accused of being the prime suspect' is like talking about a criminal. Iy should be replaced with 'blamed'.
    advocate the idea... - have the idea of television being responsible for spoiling/bad for family relationships
    Words like accused, advocate, severing are too strong.

    There should be a 'the' before majority.
    Last edited by tedmc; 23-Jan-2015 at 03:32.

  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: Please grade my essay!

    Television can do something that print media cannot do. Can you think of a way in which television has influenced events in a major way?


  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: Please grade my essay!

    Please do not make any revisions in the original, but put any revised text in a new post.



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