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  1. Hachiman's Avatar
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    #1

    Fable & Coins

    Hey! This is my first time here and the reason why I have chosen this topic is that I am improving my english (not a native speaker) skills by writting a fiction book!
    Could you guys point out if I make any grammar mistakes on this amateur fiction book?


    I am new to reading fantasy and fiction books. I am writing one which is called Fable & Coins which is about a merchant called Yohan who is heading through a city called Yarren, where a rite has been set up on it for the past 2 days. While passing through the city, he sold some of his wares to a local merchant that trades lumiar coins for some stacks of wheat that Yohan had on his wagon.

    Once the transaction was over, Yohan took a quick rest under a tree on the edge of the city. When Yohan, was taking a swift rest under a tree at the edge of Yarren City, he heard something stirring in the back of his wagon. Yohan was laid down, stretched over on the front seat of the cracking wagon, his head resting on a stuffed feather pillow he bought from the last city he passed 5 days ago, when the sound startled him.

    At first instant he couldn't mull exactly about which sort of noise he heard, but he could swear that it wasn't made by the wind. Yohan uttered a weary, shallow sigh, as he got up to peek at the back of his wagon, covered by a dark brown cotton blanket. Then, when he reached up with the tip of the cotton with his right hand, he tightens his grip and pushed it off to find out that he might had fall asleep when he was resting on the front seat, otherwise he got insane to trust on what his eyes caught up at the sight.

    The sun was setting in the west at that moment, the flickering shade was steadily crawling up, pushing the wagon into a pitchy veil, but it was lit enough to twig out that whatever was among with his wares wasn't a human.

    His eyes caught sight of a white tip, blending into a long furred tail attached to the back waist of a girl, her skin was pale, with a long brown hair, and as he followed up with his eyes to her nape, Yohan found himself out of breath when he saw two wolf like ears on the top of the girl's head.

    The mysterious girl was laid down on her side, facing the wooden left side of the wagon, apparently sleeping, when suddenly the girl started to twitch her left ear.
    Last edited by Hachiman; 23-Jan-2015 at 00:40.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Fable & Coins

    Quote Originally Posted by Hachiman View Post
    Hey! This is my first time here and the reason why I have chosen this topic is that I am improving my english skills by writting a fiction book!
    Could you guys point out if I did any grammar mistakes on this amateur fiction book?
    We don't do mistakes. We make mistakes.


    Quote Originally Posted by Hachiman View Post
    I am new to reading fantasy and fiction books. I am writing one which is called Fable & Coins which is about a merchant called Yohan who is heading through a city called Yarren, where a rite has been set up on it for the past 2 days. While passing through the city, he sold some of his wares to a local merchant that trades lumiar coins for some stacks of wheat that Yohan had on his wagon.

    What does it mean that a rite has been set up? (Perhaps you could say that while he was visiting Yarron that Yohan sold some of his wheat to a local merchant.)

  3. Hachiman's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Fable & Coins

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    We don't do mistakes. We make mistakes.




    What does it mean that a rite has been set up? (Perhaps you could say that while he was visiting Yarron that Yohan sold some of his wheat to a local merchant.)
    "We don't do mistakes. We make mistakes."
    Taking note of that.

    What does it mean that a rite has been set up? (Perhaps you could say that while he was visiting Yarron that Yohan sold some of his wheat to a local merchant.)

    Like a pagan rite.I am not a native speaker, so I am writting a fiction story to improve my skills.

    Is there any typos or wrong use of words on my fiction?

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Fable & Coins

    There are plenty of errors. It will take me a while to find them all.

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    #5

    Re: Fable & Coins

    I am new to reading fantasy and fiction books. I am writing one which is called "Fable & Coins", which is was** about a merchant called Yohan who is was heading through a city called Yarren, where a rite(?) has had been set up on it held/conducted for the past 2 days. While passing through the city, he sold some of his wares to a local merchant that trades traded in lumiar coins for some stacks of wheat that Yohan had on his wagon.

    Once the transaction was over, Yohan took a quick rest under a tree on the edge fringe of the city. When Yohan, was taking a swift rest under a tree at the edge of Yarren City, he heard something stirring in the back of his wagon. Yohan was laid lying down, stretched over on the front seat of the cracking creaky wagon, his head resting on a stuffed feather pillow he bought from the last city he passed through 5 days ago earlier, when the sound startled him.

    At first instant he couldn't mull
    figure out exactly about which sort of noise he heard, but he could swear swore that it wasn't made by the wind. Yohan uttered heaved a weary, shallow sigh, as he got up to peek at the back of his wagon, covered by a dark brown cotton blanket. Then, when he reached up with the tip of the cotton with his right hand(?) , he tightens his grip and pushed lifted it off to find out that he might have had fallen asleep when he was resting on the front seat. Otherwise he got insane to trust on (?) what his eyes caught up at the sight. saw.

    The sun was setting in the west at that moment, the flickering shade was shadows steadily crawling up
    appeared , pushing the wagon into a pitchy veil darkness enveloped the wagon, but it was lit still bright enough to twig out that whatever was among with his wares wasn't a human anything unusual from his wares.

    His eyes caught sight of a white tip (?), blending into a long furred furry tail attached to the back waist of a girl. Her skin was pale, with a and she had long brown hair, and as he followed up with trailed his eyes to her nape, Yohan found himself out of breath gasped when he saw two wolf like ears on the top of the girl's head.

    The mysterious girl was laid down on her side, facing the wooden left side of the wagon, apparently sleeping, when suddenly the girl started to twitch her left ear. the girl's left ear twitched.

    **You started to tell the story in the present tense in the first paragraph but changed to the past tense after that.
    I do not understand what you are trying to say in the underlined text.

    Twitching is an involuntary action.
    A cotton blanket can be pulled or lifted, but not pushed.



    It is a time-consuming exercise and I did not have enough time to check the editing thoroughly. There could be errors and omissions.

    not a teacher
    Last edited by tedmc; 22-Jan-2015 at 08:15.

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Fable & Coins

    I don't agree with either quick rest or swift rest. (The second one is a bit stranger.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Hachiman View Post

    Once the transaction was over, Yohan rested under a treenear the edge of the city. While he wasresting under a tree at the edge of Yarren City, he heard something stirring in the back of his wagon. Yohan was lying down, stretched over on the front seat of the creaking wagon, his head resting on a stuffed feather pillow he bought from the last city he visited 5 days ago, when the sound startled him.
    There is too much build up to when the sound startled him. Also, the sound startled him is probably better as when he heard something in the back of the wagon.


  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Fable & Coins

    Quote Originally Posted by Hachiman View Post


    At first, he didn't know what it was, but he could swear that it wasn't made by the wind. Yohan uttered a weary, shallow sigh, as he got up to to look in the back of his wagon.
    Got to go!

  7. Hachiman's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: Fable & Coins

    Ow my god, I didn't know what happened but it wasn't my original text.
    Now I had put it right.

  8. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: Fable & Coins

    Editing a text after it has been responded to can make the responses seem pointless. Better to put the edited version in a different place in the thread.


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