I need help with my motivational letter.

[RandomLife]

I wrote a motivational letter for admission at university according to a given plan. They said the letter is not really rated or an important thing when you are being admitted but I have to write it. Here is something I already wrote. It is the first time I have written something like this.

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to apply for an Academy Profession degree in Computer Science.
Computers are used by banks, the government and army. Which is why this age is called the era of IT. I wish to be a part of this era and help improve the efficiency of technology and make it more accessible to people.
I have been studying information technology since the 5th form and started learning C++ in the 10th form and had some interest in Java. I was enrolled on a course on Robotics at the local University.
I did not have any IT related job but I did work in the service industry for two months during summer vacation. I gained various experience: how to deal with customers, the importance of managing your work hours.
Mathematics has always been interesting to me. There is only one answer but different ways of getting it that is why I took such an interest in mathematics since you have a right to think outside of the box. Information technology and History are subjects I do well in. IT is a subject with which I associate my future job and History is important because you have to know what happened as to not repeat the same mistakes.
Games are one of my main interests. Games have fascinated me from a young age, I wanted to understand how they are made and what goes into the making of games. When I was older this interest only grew deeper. I enjoy listening to music and reading books. I have been reading books since I learned how to read and music has done a great job at helping me relax at stressful moments in my life.
The purpose of going to university is to deepen your knowledge of a subject you fancy. The pursuit of knowledge is etched into the very core of our being even more so if that knowledge is related to something of interest to you. I want my future to be associated with science and technology and a University is a perfect place to reach that.
I would be very grateful if you consider my application and give me a chance to participate in the Double Degree Erasmus program and by this way represent our university.

Thank you very much in advanced for your consideration.

Yours sincerely,
X

If need be I can also include the plan I was given to which I had to write this letter.

 

[teechar]

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to apply for admission into the Academy Profession degree in Computer Science.
Computers are used by banks, the government and army, which is why this age is called the era of IT. I wish to be a part of this era and help improve the efficiency of technology and make it more accessible to people.
I have been studying information technology since the 5th form, started learning C++ in the 10th form and I also have some interest in Java. I was enrolled in a course on Robotics at the local university.
I have not had any IT related jobs but I did work in the service industry for two months during summer vacation which helped me gain experience and various skills such as: how to deal with customers and the importance of managing your work hours.
Mathematics has always been interesting to me. There is only one answer but different ways of getting it which is why I took such an interest in mathematics since one has the room to think outside the box. Information technology and History are subjects I have done well in. IT is a subject with which I associate my future job and History is important because one has to know what happened as to not repeat the same mistakes.
Games are one of my main interests. Games have fascinated me from a young age. I wanted to understand how they are made and what goes into the making of games. When I got older this interest only grew deeper. I enjoy listening to music and reading books. I have been reading books since I learned how to read and music has done a great job at helping me relax at stressful moments in my life.
The purpose of going to university is to deepen one's knowledge of a subject of interest. The pursuit of knowledge is etched into the very core of our being even more so if that knowledge is related to something of interest to you. I want my future to be associated with science and technology and university is a perfect place to reach that.
I would be very grateful if you consider my application and offer me the opportunity to participate in the Double Degree Erasmus program and by this way represent our university.

Thank you very much in advanced for your consideration.

Yours sincerely,
X