could anyone help me to check my writing?

[Vincen't Wong]

i'm a new english learner, i am gonna take ielts test next month. could u help me to correct my grammar and point out what i do to enhance my writing.thanks you so much


title:
You are considering a career in sport and have been offered a scholarship by an American university to pursue this goal. You know your parents want you to pursue a more academic career. Write a letter to your parent, explaining why you intend to accept the scholarship. Sign your name Jackie


Hi, Dad，
You have been working in Singapore for more than a month. I miss you so much. Tell you a good new, I have been offered a scholarship by MIT which is an American university to pursue my goal of being a swimming athlete.

MIT would like to give me a valuable opportunity to study PE there while offering me a great amount of advanced training in swimming aspect. They said school would also offer me 3000USD a month so that I could live in USA and have a school life there. That means all my expenses there will be free! It is a rare chance for me to further develop my swimming skills. Dad, I want to join it and let swimming to be my career.

Being a swimmer has always been my dream. Do you remember my first time swimming when I was a child? I was excited when I was swimming in the water. I spent a whole day to swim and even refused to go home. At that moment, I fell in love with water. Could you see how interested I was toward swimming? In my secondary school life, I joined a wide variety of swimming club, advanced swimming teams, international swimming competitions, joint school matches…. Also, I got numerous awards after these competitions and praises. These prove that I am capable to be a swimming athlete. Based on my extraordinary achievements and ability. I believe that accepting the scholarship is a best idea. Right?

I understand your want me to pursue more in academic aspect rather than swimming so that I could survive in the high competitive environment in workplace. I know what you mean but I have to say I am not good at studying. As you know, I am not interested in study and learning in school. I was always daydreaming and sleeping while having lessons. Therefore, my academic results were always bad. Next year will be the public examination. I can’t imagine how miserable my examination will be if you force me to take the examination. It is so hard for me to improve my English language and biology subject in a year. Taking the scholarship is my only chance to achieve my dream of swimming to be an athlete without taking any examination. It is my choice.

In addition, I know you want me to be an engineer and follow your footsteps as you believe that being an engineer can earn a lot of money to support my life in future. Besides, you always claim that being an athlete has no future at all. However, studying PE in MIT is not really bad. There are many swimming athletes who are graduated there earning more than 100000USD a month such as Fred Phelps. Therefore, I am sure that being an engineer is not the only way to secure my quality of life.

I am an adult already so I hope I can choose my way in the future. I promise that I will put all efforts in studying and training in MIT. Please think about my advice, Dad. I won’t let you down and I would be a best swimmer in the future.

Cheers,
Jackie

 

[teechar]

Hi Vincent,
Please pay attention to your punctuation, capitalization and level of formality, which are just as important as grammar. ;-)

I'm a new English learner, and I am going to take the IELTS test next month. Could you help me to correct my grammar and point out what I can do to enhance my writing. Thanks you so much.


Title:
You are considering a career in sport and have been offered a scholarship by an American university to pursue this goal. You know your parents want you to pursue a more academic career. Write a letter to your parent, explaining why you intend to accept the scholarship. Sign your name Jackie


Dear Dad，
You have been working in Singapore for more than a month and I miss you so much. I have some good news to tell you. I have been offered a scholarship by MIT which is an American university to pursue my goal of being a swimming athlete.

This scholarship would give me a valuable opportunity to study PE there while offering me a great amount of advanced training in swimming at the same time. They said school would also offer me US$3000 a month for my school and living expenses there. That means all my expenses there will be covered! It is a rare chance for me to further develop my swimming skills. Dad, I really want to take this opportunity and make swimming be my career.

To become a swimmer has always been my dream. Do you remember my first time swimming when I was a child? I was excited when I was swimming in the water. I spent a whole day there and even refused to go home. At that moment, I fell in love with the water. Could you see how interested I was in swimming? In my secondary school life, I joined a wide variety of swimming clubs and advanced swimming teams, and participated in international swimming competitions, joint school matches …. etc. Also, I got numerous awards after these competitions and many praises too. These prove that I am capable of being a swimming athlete, based on my extraordinary achievements and ability. I believe that accepting the scholarship is the best idea. Right?

I understand your wanting me to pursue a more academic career choice rather than swimming so that I could survive in the high competitive environment in society. I know what you mean but I have to say I am not good at studying. As you know, I am not interested in study and learning in school. I was always daydreaming and sleeping while having lessons. Therefore, my academic results were mostly average. Next year will be the public examination. I can’t imagine how miserable my result will be if you force me to take the examination. It is so hard for me to improve my performance in English and biology in a year. Taking the scholarship is my only chance to achieve my dream of becoming a swimming athlete without taking any examination. It is my choice for my future.

In addition, I know you want me to be an engineer and follow your footsteps as you believe that being an engineer can earn a lot of money to support my life in future. Besides, you always claim that being an athlete has no future at all. However, studying PE in MIT is not really bad. There are many swimming athletes who have graduated from there earning more than US$100000 a month such as Fred Phelps. Therefore, I am sure that being an engineer is not the only way to secure my quality of life.

I am an adult already so I hope I can choose my way for the future. I promise that I will put my best effort in studying and training in MIT. Please think about my viewpoint, Dad. I won’t let you down and I would be the best swimmer in the future.

Cheers,
Jackie

 

[Vincen't Wong]

It is useful! I'm appreciating for help!
Could i ask you a question?
－ , based on my extraordinary achievements and ability.
u mean that i couldn't put "Based on" in the front of a sencence?

Thank you so much!

 

[teechar]

u mean that i couldn't put "Based on" in the front of a sencence?

No Vincent, I don't mean that. Of course you can start a sentence with "based on".
For example: "Based on the weather report, we've decided to postpone our trip".
However, in your case "Based on my extraordinary achievements and ability" is not a sentence as it lacks a finite verb.
;-)

 

[Tarheel]

Please learn what the emoticons are for. (For example the ;-) is used to express humorous intent.)