[Grammar] could anyone help me to check my writing ? 2

[Vincen't Wong]

Topic:
Your school has decided to confine all students to the school grounds at lunchtime. Students will not be allowed to go home or eat out and may only have lunch supplied by the school caterer. As President of your Students’ Association, write a letter to your school principal protesting against the new rule. Provide three reasons why you and your fellow students oppose this plan.

Dear principal,
I am writing to express my view on whether we should implement the plan of confining all students to school grounds at lunchtime and forcing them to eat food supplied by school caterer. I am of the view that the plan is unworthy to implement and I am hoping that school should reconsider the plan.

To begin with, the plan is deprived of student’s freedom. It is believed that everyone has their own choices to eat the food they want. If school carries out the plan, students will have no choice but to buy food in school canteen. It is unfair for students to be deprived of their choices of choosing food. School should be a place to teach student about democracy so they should leave them a choice of choosing their food. School is not a jail and we are not prisoners. School should give them back the freedom of choosing food but not force them to eat unwanted food.

Besides, school has only one restaurant so students have not enough food options to select. The survey conducted by Students Union showed that 70% of our students claimed that there are inadequate types of food for them to eat and 80% of them said that they are dissatisfied with the food and service of current food supplier. Unlike eating outside, students can enjoy a wide variety of food in different restaurants like Japanese and Chinese food. Therefore, students are more willing to have lunch outside than in school. Also, the food provided by current supplier is not health. All of the foods are containing too much meat and inadequate vegetables. Students will easily cause obesity if they keep eating the unhealthy food. Therefore, implementing the plan means increasing their likelihood of causing obesity and getting overweight diseases.

Apart from this, students can benefit from eating outside such as refreshing their mind and lower their stress level. As we know, students usually spend more than 12 hours to study in school environment and face so much pressure of academic aspect like having regular test and examination, and doing infinite homework assigned by teachers everyday. Having lunch outside is the best way for them to relax themselves. They could not only chat with their schoolmates without school rules, but also use their spare time after having lunch to shopping with friends outside. They thus can recharge energy to further study in school. As a result, allowing students to have lunch outside is important to release their daily pressure in school.
In conclusion, I believe that the plan is unworthy to be implemented as having lunch outside has many advantages for students. I hope that school could reconsider if we should operate the plan immediately without any consultation.

Yours sincerely,
Chris Wong

 

[teechar]

Hi Vincent,
I started looking at your essay and then realized that in fact you have not dealt adequately with the second issue in question which is the confinement to the school's grounds. I would suggest that you re-write your essay and write one or two body paragraphs about each of the issued in question.

 

[Vincen't Wong]

Hi Vincent,
I started looking at your essay and then realized that in fact you have not dealt adequately with the second issue in question which is the confinement to the school's grounds. I would suggest that you re-write your essay and write one or two body paragraphs about each of the issued in question.

hi teechar,
u mean that i should explain more on disadvantages of confinement? am i focusing too much on food?

 

[Tarheel]

Is this an assignment from your teacher?

 

[Vincen't Wong]

Is this an assignment from your teacher?

No, im gonna take ielts so I wanna do more practice in writing

 

[teechar]

hi teechar,
Do you mean that I should explain more of the disadvantages of confinement? Am I focusing too much on food?

Yes Vincent, that's exactly what I meant. Do rewrite it and we'll have a look. ;-)

 

[Vincen't Wong]

Yes Vincent, that's exactly what I meant. Do rewrite it and we'll have a look. ;-)

Thanks for your kind reminding, i have rewritten it.

Topic:
Your school has decided to confine all students to the school grounds at lunchtime. Students will not be allowed to go home or eat out and may only have lunch supplied by the school caterer. As President of your Students’ Association, write a letter to your school principal protesting against the new rule. Provide three reasons why you and your fellow students oppose this plan.

Dear principal,
I am writing to express my view on whether we should implement the plan of confining all students to school grounds at lunchtime and forcing them to eat food supplied by school caterer. I am of the view that the plan is unworthy to implement and I am hoping that school should reconsider the plan.

To begin with, the plan is deprived of student’s freedom. I understand the plan can stop student from spending too much money to buy expensive food and eat too much unhealthy food outside. The plan can also control student to eat health food as so to improve their health by giving them food with sufficient nutrition level. However, School not only implemented it without any consultation with students, but also ignored disagreeing sounds by students and parents. As a result, Parents and students will probably make complains to ministry of education to reflect the problem of our school and even quit school because they think that school is abusing their power. In addition, there are many schools allowing student to have lunch outside. It is normal for all students in the USA where is a democratic country. Our school is not a jail to confine students like prisoners. I believe that School’s reputation will adversely be affected if school insists to keep doing it.

Besides, confining student in school to have lunch doesn’t mean that they can spend less money on food and eat healthier food. Undoubtedly, school provides cheaper food. However, some poor students prefer to eat at home to save time. If we are not allowed to do so, students will spend more in buying food they could not afford from school supplier. It can cause financial burden of some families. Also, some student also can buy junk food in tuck shop in school or after school. That means the plan of offering them healthier food is useless for improving students’ health as they can still eat fast food after lunchtime. Therefore, the plan is not effective to be implemented.

Apart from this, students can benefit from eating outside such as refreshing their mind and lower their stress level. As we know, students usually spend more than 12 hours to study in school environment and face so much pressure of academic aspect like having regular test and examination, and doing infinite homework assigned by teachers everyday. It is unreasonable to keep us in a school whole day. Lunchtime is their only way to let them escape form environment. Letting them to have lunch outside is the best way for them to relax themselves. They could not only chat with their schoolmates without school rules, but also use their spare time after having lunch to shopping with friends outside. They thus can recharge energy to further study in school. As a result, allowing students to have lunch outside is important to release their daily pressure in school.
In conclusion, I believe that the plan is unworthy to be implemented as having lunch outside has many advantages for students. I hope that school could reconsider if we should operate the plan immediately without any consultation.

Yours sincerely,
Chris Wong

 

[teechar]

Dear principal,
I am writing to express my view on whether we should implement the plan of confining all students to school grounds at lunchtime and forcing them to eat food supplied by the school caterer. I am of the view that the plan is unworthy of implementation and I am hoping that the school will reconsider the plan.

To begin with, the plan would deprive students of their freedom. I understand the plan could stop students from spending too much money on buying expensive food and eating too much unhealthy food outside. The plan might also restrict students to eating healthier and more nutritious food. [STRIKE]as so to improve their health by giving them food with sufficient nutrition level.[/STRIKE] However, the school not only [STRIKE]implemented it[/STRIKE] devised this plan without any consultation with us the students, but also ignored [STRIKE]disagreeing sounds by [/STRIKE] the resounding opposition of the students and their parents. As a result, parents and students will probably make complains to the Ministry of Education to [STRIKE]reflect[/STRIKE] protest against this problem [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] in our school. In fact, some students are even contemplating quitting school because they think that the school is abusing their power. In addition, there are many schools allowing students to have lunch outside. This is of course the norm for all students in the USA which is a democratic country. Our school is not a jail to confine students to like prisoners. I believe that the school’s reputation will adversely be affected if you insist to implement this plan.

Besides, confining students in school to have lunch doesn’t mean that they can spend less money on food and eat healthier food. Undoubtedly, the school provides cheaper food. However, some poor students prefer to eat at home to save time. If we are not allowed to do so, students will spend more on buying food they could not afford from the school supplier. That willcause a financial burden to some families. Moreover, some students also may end up buying junk food from the tuck shop during or after school. That means the claim of offering them healthier food is questionable [STRIKE]useless for improving students’ health[/STRIKE] as they can still eat fast food after lunchtime. Therefore, the plan is not effective and should not be implemented.

Apart from this, students can benefit from eating outside in many ways, such as by refreshing their mind and lowering their stress level. As we know, students usually spend more than 12 hours studying [STRIKE]to study in[/STRIKE] in school and at home everyday, [STRIKE]environment and[/STRIKE]. They also face so much pressure related to their studies [STRIKE]of academic aspect[/STRIKE] like having regular tests and examinations, and doing infinite amounts of homework assigned by teachers everyday. It is thus unreasonable to keep us in a school the whole day. Lunchtime is [STRIKE]their[/STRIKE] our only chance to get a decent break from the school [STRIKE]way to let them escape form[/STRIKE] environment. [STRIKE]Letting them[/STRIKE] Allowing students to have lunch outside is the best way for them to relax and refresh themselves. They [STRIKE]could[/STRIKE] can not only chat with their schoolmates without feeling any pressure [STRIKE]school rules[/STRIKE], but also use their spare time after having lunch to go shopping with friends outside. They thus can recharge their energy to further study in school. As a result, allowing students to have lunch outside is important to release their daily pressure in school.

In conclusion, I believe that the plan [STRIKE]is unworthy to[/STRIKE] and should not be implemented as it deprives the students of their personal freedoms, does not guarantee provision of healthy nutrition and may place financial pressure on students and their families. [STRIKE]I hope that our school could reconsider if we should operate the plan immediately without any consultation.[/STRIKE]

Yours sincerely,
Chris Wong
Students' Association President

Please note that I highlighted some text in blue:

1 - "Will" is stronger than "can", which is stronger than "could". "May" is weaker, and "might" is weakest".
2 - Your conclusion should sum up your main findings.
;-)

 

[Vincen't Wong]

Dear principal,
I am writing to express my view on whether we should implement the plan of confining all students to school grounds at lunchtime and forcing them to eat food supplied by the school caterer. I am of the view that the plan is unworthy of implementation and I am hoping that the school will reconsider the plan.

To begin with, the plan would deprive students of their freedom. I understand the plan could stop students from spending too much money on buying expensive food and eating too much unhealthy food outside. The plan might also restrict students to eating healthier and more nutritious food. [STRIKE]as so to improve their health by giving them food with sufficient nutrition level.[/STRIKE] However, the school not only [STRIKE]implemented it[/STRIKE] devised this plan without any consultation with us the students, but also ignored [STRIKE]disagreeing sounds by [/STRIKE] the resounding opposition of the students and their parents. As a result, parents and students will probably make complains to the Ministry of Education to [STRIKE]reflect[/STRIKE] protest against this problem [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] in our school. In fact, some students are even contemplating quitting school because they think that the school is abusing their power. In addition, there are many schools allowing students to have lunch outside. This is of course the norm for all students in the USA which is a democratic country. Our school is not a jail to confine students to like prisoners. I believe that the school’s reputation will adversely be affected if you insist to implement this plan.

Besides, confining students in school to have lunch doesn’t mean that they can spend less money on food and eat healthier food. Undoubtedly, the school provides cheaper food. However, some poor students prefer to eat at home to save time. If we are not allowed to do so, students will spend more on buying food they could not afford from the school supplier. That willcause a financial burden to some families. Moreover, some students also may end up buying junk food from the tuck shop during or after school. That means the claim of offering them healthier food is questionable [STRIKE]useless for improving students’ health[/STRIKE] as they can still eat fast food after lunchtime. Therefore, the plan is not effective and should not be implemented.

Apart from this, students can benefit from eating outside in many ways, such as by refreshing their mind and lowering their stress level. As we know, students usually spend more than 12 hours studying [STRIKE]to study in[/STRIKE] in school and at home everyday, [STRIKE]environment and[/STRIKE]. They also face so much pressure related to their studies [STRIKE]of academic aspect[/STRIKE] like having regular tests and examinations, and doing infinite amounts of homework assigned by teachers everyday. It is thus unreasonable to keep us in a school the whole day. Lunchtime is [STRIKE]their[/STRIKE] our only chance to get a decent break from the school [STRIKE]way to let them escape form[/STRIKE] environment. [STRIKE]Letting them[/STRIKE] Allowing students to have lunch outside is the best way for them to relax and refresh themselves. They [STRIKE]could[/STRIKE] can not only chat with their schoolmates without feeling any pressure [STRIKE]school rules[/STRIKE], but also use their spare time after having lunch to go shopping with friends outside. They thus can recharge their energy to further study in school. As a result, allowing students to have lunch outside is important to release their daily pressure in school.

In conclusion, I believe that the plan [STRIKE]is unworthy to[/STRIKE] and should not be implemented as it deprives the students of their personal freedoms, does not guarantee provision of healthy nutrition and may place financial pressure on students and their families. [STRIKE]I hope that our school could reconsider if we should operate the plan immediately without any consultation.[/STRIKE]

Yours sincerely,
Chris Wong
Students' Association President

Please note that I highlighted some text in blue:

1 - "Will" is stronger than "can", which is stronger than "could". "May" is weaker, and "might" is weakest".
2 - Your conclusion should sum up your main findings.
;-)

You are the best teacher!! Thank you so much!!
I had printed it out to check my mistakes and found that i still have many rooms for improvement.
Actually, i am quite worried about my coming IELTS writing in next month, but I will try harder to upgrade my english
Could I ask you a question?
The plan might also restrict students to eating
Can i use eat instead of eating?

 

[teechar]

Can i use eat instead of eating?

In that sentence, "to" works as a preposition combined with the verb "restricted". Therefore, you need to use a gerund rather than an infinitive.

;-)

 

[Tarheel]

Vincent, when you refer to the school caterer are you sure you don't mean the school cafeteria?