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  1. Newbie
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    #1

    Question Grammar-check for my motivation/bursary letter

    Hello everybody,
    I am sending an application for a Human Rights Master and I need a grammar check before sending my motivation and bursary letter. Both need to be 500 maximum. It's very important, I will be forever grateful for any help!

    MOTIVATION LETTER: (now 499 words)

    Dear Sir/Madam,

    With this letter, I would like to express my interest in becoming an *** student.

    I graduated with honors in December 2014 from ***, ***, with a Bachelor in Languages and International Relations. It is my professional goal to work in the field of legislation and policies regarding refugees’ and war victims’ rights, topic that I would like to develop in my *** Master’s thesis.

    My interest for human rights is long-standing: before I attended university, I joined ***, a UNESCO partner NGO dedicated to educating for peace and equality through cultural exchanges, and whose aim is to build inter-cultural friendship and cooperation. Working on *** projects made me understand how urgent the issues of human rights and equality are, and pushed me to expand my knowledge of the topic with my undergraduate studies. During university, my desire to work in the human rights’ field was streghtened by my International Law course, during which I attended a series of seminars on the Lagogai system in China, women’s rights in the MENA region and human rights in wartime. The study of the Arabic language, culture and politics, in which I majored, has increased my interest in the process of democratisation and the phenomenon of the Arab uprisings: as a result, I decided to focus my thesis on the causes of the civil war in Syria. In doing so, I highlighted both the repressive internal system and the international agenda underliyng the conflict, and presented hypothesis for the war’s resolution and the future recovery of the country.

    My passion is not limited to the academic sphere, but it also involves my extracurricular activities and everyday life. In 2014 I decided to join ***, a students association that promotes education towards diversity and intercultural dialogue. As a member, I took part in the organisation of an exhibition dedicated to the Arab Spring and the coexistance between Muslims and Christians in Egypt, despite terrorism and violence. Thanks to the reasearch I did and the people I met during this experience, my understanding of the importance and value of every human being’s life, beyond any difference, increased greatly not only in intellectual, but also in personal terms. My awareness to this topic was also raised thanks to a voluntary project with Syrian children refugees, that has made me even more resolute to pursue my professional ambition.

    *** corresponds to my ideal Master’s Programme: its multicultural environment, dynamic structure and practical approach, consisting in workshops and projects, as well as the possibility of heading out on a field trip to Kosovo, will undoubtedly prove essential to develop extensive competencies for my academic and professional future, and to grow not only as a student, but as a person. As a hard-working and determined woman with a strong interest in human rights and the aspiration of working in this area of expertise, I also believe that I am a fitting candidate for ***.

    Sincerely,

    Name Surname



    _________



    BURSARY: (now 404 words)

    Dear Sir/Madam,

    I am writing this letter to apply for ***’s financial support for the *** Programme.

    My determination, will to better myself and curiosity have always been what guided my every decision. That is how I succeeded in obtaining two University grants for academic merit, despite having worked since I started University to contribute to the expenses my parents had to face to provide for my studies.

    It was with great satisfaction that I graduated with honors in December 2014 from ***, ***, with a Bachelor in Languages and International Relations: my pride derived not only from the excellent academic result I had achieved, but also from the ackowledgment that I had managed to succeed despite, and thanks to, my work obligations.

    It is now my desire to keep on with my studies. My career ambition is to work in an international organization, the EU, or for the Italian government to improve the legislation and policies on war refugees’ and immigrants’ rights, topics I feel very dear to me from a personal point of view and that I am strongly convinced should be researched and revised, given the emergency Europe has to face nowdays in terms of immigration. I believe that attending the *** Programme would give me the necessary skills and knowledge to achieve my dream-goal of working in this field.

    I am aware of the fact that the intensity of the *** Programme would not give me the opportunity to work to support my studies, as I did previously. I am also aware that to attend *** I would have to move from my hometown, and that my parents would have to provide enterely not only for my studies, but also for my accomodation and living. This would not only put a strain on my parents’ finances; above all, it would put at risk the opportunity of further continue my studies and research afterwards, and therefore the possibility of achieving the professional profile I aspire to.

    Should I be given the chance to be a recipient of your bursary, I pledge to do my very best to exceed your expectations of me. As my records show, I’ve always strived for the best, and my academic experience in the *** Programme would be no exception.

    I shall be grateful if you would favorably consider my case. I look forward to hearing from the bursary committee.

    Sincerely,

    Name Surname




    Thank you very much!

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Grammar-check for my motivation/bursary letter

    One letter at a time, please!

    Say:

    My interest in human rights, etc.


    We have quite a few letters in this section already. Did you get any benefit out of reading them?

  3. Newbie
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    #3

    Re: Grammar-check for my motivation/bursary letter

    Hi Tarheel and thank you for your advice! Yes I read quite a lot of letters to try and write mine as best as I could, now I just needed a bit of "proof-reading" before sending it... English is not my first language so I wanted to be sure I wasn't mispelling or making any grammar mistakes, not even the smallest one!

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Grammar-check for my motivation/bursary letter

    I have found only one other minor error. (Of course, it's possible that I missed something.)

    Note that the plural of hypothesis is hypotheses.


  5. Newbie
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    #5

    Re: Grammar-check for my motivation/bursary letter

    Thank you, I corrected that! Is there in the letter any sentence, expression or word that sounds "strange" or unusual? What do you think about the other letter?

  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Grammar-check for my motivation/bursary letter

    There is this:

    My determination, will to better myself and curiosity have always been what guided my every decision. That is how I succeeded in obtaining two University grants for academic merit, despite having worked since I started University to contribute to the expenses my parents had to face to provide for my studies.


    Don't capitalize university, because it is not a proper noun. (Do capitalize it when it is part of the name of the institution, example: Heidelburg University.​) Also, you don't want to contribute to the expenses of your parents. Instead, you want to pay some of the costs they would otherwise have to pay.

    (There is no need to change anything else in the original post. We don't want to confuse people.)

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