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    #1

    Can Anyone See Any Errors That I Missed?

    I keep re-reading over this, and I don't know if I caught all of the little mistakes, or if there is any way I can make it better... Please leave suggestions below.

    I Am Memory.


    People say they want to know what Fate has planned for them, but honestly,some things are better left unknown. Having the knowledge of someone's fate leaves nothing but anxiety and mostly failed attempts to change the inevitable. Knowing ruins people, eats away at their mind and makes a person wither away into a vessel of paranoia.


    At least, that's what it was like for Mary.


    There he lied; his frame like a butterfly wing. Mary's blood rushed through his veins, which only made the numbers she saw above his head hurt much worse. She knew this day was coming, and she had known for 7 years, since he was born. She had always avoided even thinking about it, but the day had arrived. She had to face the fact that she was going to lose him, and there was nothing in the universe she could do about it.


    Mary and Sam were in the bed together on the night before All Hallows'Eve, watching a scary movie. She knew it was about to happen. She could feel the pain building up inside. Having a mother's instinct,she pulled her son closer. It was almost midnight, and despite everything she could try to do about it, Fate seemed inevitable.


    Aloud Bang! was heard from downstairs. Mary knew it was glass, and tears stung her eyes. Sam started shaking. She removed the blanket from them quickly,and they both arose from the bed. “It's okay, baby. Go into the panic room, but be quiet. I'm right behind you.” It was coming, but she wanted to try to save him regardless of Fate. Who said Fate was in charge anyways?


    Sam put in the code 6-1-8-7 and opened the door. The code was Sam's birthday, the best day of Mary's life. They were about to rush in to the panic room to safety when Fate got one step closer to helping Death take its next victim. “Don't move,” a man said. He sounded like he was a bit older than Mary but not old enough to be her dad.Maybe ten years older. Mary froze, and she held Sam's shirt by the collar. Mary heard a gun cock and felt the cold metal on her neck.


    “Don't hurt him,” she pleaded, tears stinging her eyes. She could feel her heart racing and her hands trembling. “I don't care if you kill me,but please don't hurt him. He didn't do anything.” She was still trying to keep Fate from taking its course, still trying to keep Death from overtaking her son.


    “Do you think I'm here to kill you, Mary? Oh, no. I've got something far worse planned. I know some of the things you've done, Mary. You didn't warn all of those people that they were going to die. It's your fault they died. They deserved to be here more than you'll ever deserve.” His voice seemed as if he had this devious scheme planned for years.


    “I don't know what you're talking about,” she said, and the man giggled.


    “I've been watching you for a long time, Mary. These eyes you have, they are such a curse. Are they not? Knowing someone's fate? Knowing your son's--”


    Mary stopped him from saying anything else. She did a 180-degree turn and raised her arm to be perpendicular with the arm flat on her side. It was an attempt to disarm the criminal. The reaction time of the criminal was quick but not quick enough. The gun fired before it clanged to the floor. Mary kicked the man in the gut, pushing him onto the floor with a grunt and thud.


    Mary scurried for the gun to be sure the criminal didn't get it. She ran to her son, who was bleeding out slowly. “Sam, I'm so sorry.” The irony of the situation was immense. She tried saving him, and she took part in killing him. He was still alive, but not for long.


    “You aren't the only person with the eyes,” he said, his eyes flashing a bloody red color. “I've known today was the day he was going to die, and I have been anticipating it for years. I wanted for you to know what it feels like to lose someone close to you like all of those people. You didn't tell them about it. I've felt that pain. I had a daughter, and someone taught me this lesson just like I'm teaching it to you.”


    “There was nothing I could've done to save them, and you know that,” she retorted.


    “But you could've prepared them. You could've let them know.”


    “You should understand this curse more than anyone,” she said, still looking at her son. "Having this knowledge hurts and leaves you feeling empty. You know there is nothing you can do to stop it; it's still going to happen. It sucks to let Fate decide what's right, and it's even worse to let Death take the people we love away from us.”She looked up at the man. He was still on the floor, and she noticed something she hadn't seen before: his numbers. They read:04/26/1957-10/30/2014.


    Mary stood up and pointed the gun at him. “I'm giving Death a present.”she said, cocking the gun. Bang! The bullet entered his chest, and he was unable to move. “I hope you suffer.”


    She ran back over to her son, and she held him in her arms as if she could protect him anymore, but she couldn't. Over Sam's head, she noticed there was no longer numbers. Instead, it said:


    I Am Memory.
    Last edited by nykolasandrews; 01-Mar-2015 at 05:10.

  1. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Can Anyone See Any Errors That I Missed?

    What is the purpose of this exercise? I understand that you are looking for mistakes but what I am trying to find out is why you are trying to find them.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  2. teechar's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Can Anyone See Any Errors That I Missed?

    I also don't understand why you posted the same text on the Literature sub-forum.

  3. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Can Anyone See Any Errors That I Missed?

    I have deleted the post from the Literature section. NykolasAndrews, please don't put duplicate posts on the forum.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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