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  1. Vincen't Wong's Avatar
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    #1

    Post could anyone help me to check my writing ? 7

    Teachers, how's it going!
    I just finished a mock writing paper which consists 2 part( A and B) so it is quite long
    I would be grateful if you could check my mistakes


    The Local History Newsletter is a newsletter about the history. Every month, it prints short articles about special places. You have been asked to write an article about an old village called Lucky Village. Write your article using the three headings provided. You can use the headings in any order. Write about 200 words.

    Life in the Lucky Village 40 years ago
    Lucky village was a peaceful village located in Hawaii. It had more than one hundred people and 2 leaders. Also, it had democratic environment for all residents to vote and choose their own leaders. Therefore, people in the village were very happy because they had a fair opportunity to choose what they want. The leaders not only gave free education for students, but also provided residents free medical treatment and care. As a result, Lucky village was the best village in the USA
    An event that changed Lucky Village
    In 1980, the secondary war of worlds was happened. Japanese army invaded Lucky village and killed many residents living there. After that, the number of villagers was decreased from one hundred to ten, and the village was under controlled by Japan.
    In that period, all of the village’s traditional culture and historical housing were destroyed. Apart from these, many miserable villagers lost their families. It changed a peaceful village to a hell of war.

    What Lucky Village is famous for
    Lucky village had a traditionally famous event called dancing with fire. On the first day of every year, all villagers wearing straw hats and skirts danced next to the fire at night. It was a way for them to express their appreciation to their god and pray the god to take care of all the villagers in the New Year. However, the traditional dance is disappeared because of the war.

    Topic:
    A local fitness center is being renovated. As the chairperson of your school’s Sports Club, write a letter to ask the fitness center to donate some of their old equipment to your school. In your letter, describe how the donation could benefit your school and the fitness center.

    Dear Sir/Madam,
    On behalf of the chairperson of ABC school’s Sport Club, I am writing to ask for help about donating your old equipment of fitness center to our school.

    We recently know that your fitness center is going to be renovated, and you will dispose old sport equipment such as running machines to landfill. I would like to suggest that you donate them to our school so that students can reuse these equipment. In addition, our sport club is going to set up a gym room and buy equipment of sport. As you may know, gym room equipment are very expensive, and we could not afford them. If you give us the useful equipment, our school would save plenty of money to buy more necessary facilities for students with no doubt.

    Besides, that donation could improve school student’s health. With a well-equipped gym room, students will have more chances to do exercises by using a wide variety of equipment. For example, students could learn how to train their body in PE lesson in the gym room. They thus may explore their interest from these equipment and fall in love with doing healthy exercises. In the long term, these equipment can improve their physical health and reduce overweight diseases like high blood pressure and high cholesterol level.

    The donation not only benefits our school, but also your organization. I believe that your center will gain an excellent reputation if you help our school. I would like to inform you that we would publish a thank you letter on newspapers if you donate old equipment for us. I am sure that more people will thus know your kindly help for us form the newspapers and be attracted to join member of your fitness center. In the long term, the profit of your center will be increased because the positive image of your company.

    In addition, many students in our school will know the brand name of your center if you are willing to help students. All of them may also appreciate your help and promote your center to their friends in the future. Therefore, your center may attract many teenagers to join member of your center as well. That will be a good phenomenon for the development of your company.

    In conclusion, it is believed that the donation is mutually beneficial to our school and fitness center. Your help will not only enhance reputation and attract teenagers, but also improve student’s health and help them to explore interest. I hope that we could receive good news form your reply. If you have any question, please feel free to contact with us.

    Yours sincerely,
    Chris Wong
    The chairperson of ABC school’s Sports Club

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 7

    Quote Originally Posted by Vincen't Wong View Post
    I just finished a mock writing paper which consists of two parts ( A and B) so it is quite long.
    I would be grateful if you could correct my mistakes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vincen't Wong View Post
    The Local History Newsletter is a newsletter about the history.
    It is about the history of what?

    (I don't believe you are from Afghanistan. They don't speak Afrikaans there.)


  3. Vincen't Wong's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 7

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    It is about the history of what?

    (I don't believe you are from Afghanistan. They don't speak Afrikaans there.)

    oh I'm form TaiWan

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    #4

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 7

    Checked Form!:


    "Teachers, how's it going!
    I just finished a mock writing paper which consists 2 part( A and B) so it is quite long
    I would be grateful if you could check my mistakes


    The Local History Newsletter is a newsletter about the history. Every month, it prints short articles about special places. You have been asked to write an article about an old village called Lucky Village. Write your article using the three headings provided. You can use the headings in any order. Write about 200 words.

    Life in the Lucky Village 40 years ago
    Lucky village was a peaceful village located in Hawaii. It had more than one hundred people and 2 leaders. It also had a democratic environment for all residents to vote and choose their own leaders. Therefore, people in the village were very happy because they had a fair opportunity to choose what they want. The leaders not only gave free education for students, but also provided residents free medical treatment and care. As a result, Lucky village was the best village in the USA.
    An event that changed Lucky Village
    In 1980, the secondary war of worlds (World War II)??) happened. The Japanese army invaded Lucky village and killed many residents living there. After that, the number of villagers decreased from one hundred to ten, and the village was under control by Japan.
    In that period, all of the village’s traditional culture and historical housing were destroyed. Apart from these, many miserable villagers lost their families. It changed a peaceful village to a hell of war.

    What Lucky Village is famous for
    Lucky village had a traditionally famous event called 'dancing with fire'. On the first day of every year, all villagers wearing straw hats and skirts danced next to the fire at night. It was a way for them to express their appreciation to their god and pray to the god to take care of all the villagers in the New Year. However, the traditional dance disappeared because of the war.

    Topic:
    A local fitness center is being renovated. As the chairperson of your school’s Sports Club, write a letter to ask the fitness center to donate some of their old equipment to your school. In your letter, describe how the donation could benefit your school and the fitness center.

    Dear Sir/Madam,
    On behalf of the chairperson of ABC school’s Sport Club, I am writing to ask for help about donating your old equipment of fitness center to our school.

    We recently know that your fitness center is going to be renovated, and you will dispose old sport equipment such as running machines to landfill. I would like to suggest that you donate them to our school so that students can reuse these equipment. In addition, our sport club is going to set up a gym room and buy equipment of sport. As you may know, gym room equipment are very expensive, and we could not afford them. If you donate us the useful equipment, our school would save plenty of money to buy more necessary facilities for students with no doubt.

    Besides, that donation could improve school student’s health. With a well-equipped gym room, students will have more chances to do exercises by using a wide variety of equipment. For example, students could learn how to train their body in PE lesson in the gym room. They, thus, may explore their interests from these equipment and 'fall in love' with doing healthy exercises. In the long term, these equipment can improve their physical health and reduce overweight diseases like high blood pressure and high cholesterol level.

    The donation not only benefits our school, but also your organization. I believe that your center will gain an excellent reputation if you help our school. I would like to inform you that we would publish a thank you letter on newspapers if you donate old equipment for us. I am sure that more people will thus know your kindly help for us from the newspapers and be attracted to join your fitness center as a member. In the long term, the profit of your center will increase because of the positive image of your company.

    In addition, many students in our school will know the brand name of your center if you are willing to help students. All of them may also appreciate your help and promote your center to their friends in the future. Therefore, your center may attract many teenagers to join of your center as a member as well. That will be a good phenomenon for the development of your company.

    In conclusion, it is believed that the donation is mutually beneficial to our school and your fitness center. Your help will not only enhance reputation and attract teenagers, but also improve student’s health and help them to explore interest. I hope that we could receive good news form your reply. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact us.

    Yours sincerely,
    Chris Wong
    The chairperson of ABC school’s Sports Club"

    Note!
    1. I would used 'donate' instead of 'give' because giving sounds a bit more arrogant like. You are trying to persuade that the sport equipments may be donated.
    2. It's better to use quotation marks when saying something slangy or idiomatic.

    ***Not a teacher***

  4. teechar's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 7

    Life in the Lucky Village 40 years ago
    Lucky village was a peaceful village located in the center of Qupodry IslandHawaii. It had more than one hundred people and 2 leaders about half a century ago. Also, it had a democratic environment for all in which the citizens residents to could vote and choose their own leaders. Therefore, people in the village were very happy because they had a fair opportunity to choose what they wanted. The leaders not only gave free education for to students, but also provided residents free medical treatment and care. As a result, Lucky village was the best village on the island in the USA.
    An event that changed Lucky Village
    In 1980, the an unfortunate war with the neighboring Tudwa village broke outsecondary war of worlds was happened. Japanese army Armed men from Tudwa invaded Lucky village and killed many residents living there. After that, the number of villagers was decreased from one hundred to almost half this numberten, as so many had been either killed or had fled, and the village was under Tudwa's complete control for the next two yearscontrolled by Japan.
    In that period, all of the village’s traditional culture and historical housing were destroyed. Apart from that these, many miserable villagers lost their families. It Lucky village changed from being a peaceful village to a hell of war.

    What Lucky Village is famous for
    Lucky village had a traditionally famous event called "Dancing with Fire". On the first day of every year, all villagers wearing straw hats and skirts danced next to the fire at night. It was a way for them to express their appreciation to their god and pray that the god would to take care of all the villagers in the new year. However, the that traditional dance is unfortunately disappeared because of the war.

    Topic:
    A local fitness center is being renovated. As the chairperson of your school’s Sports Club, write a letter to ask the fitness center to donate some of their old equipment to your school. In your letter, describe how the donation could benefit your school and the fitness center.

    Dear Sir/Madam,
    On behalf of the As the chairperson of ABC school’s Sport Club, I am writing to ask for help about donating your the old equipment of from your fitness center to our school.

    We were recently know notified that your fitness center is going to be renovated, and that you will dispose of the old sports and fitness equipment such as running treadmills and various other machines to in the landfill. I would like to suggest that you donate them that equipment instead to our school so that our students can reuse these and benefit from that equipment.

    In addition, our sports club is going to set up a gym room and buy some sporting equipment for itof sport. As you may know, gym room equipment is are very expensive, and we could not afford such an expensethem. If you give us the useful equipment, our school would, without any doubt, save plenty of money to buy more other necessary facilities for students with no doubt.

    Besides, that donation could improve the school students' health. With a well-equipped gym room, students will have more chances to do exercises by using a wide variety of equipment. For example, students could join more fitness and training classes in the gym room, and explore various options therelearn how to train their body in PE lesson in the gym room. They thus may explore their interest from these equipment and fall in love with doing healthy exercises. In the long term, these that equipment can improve their physical health and reduce levels of high blood pressure, obesity or other such unhealthy conditions overweight diseases like high blood pressure and high cholesterol level .

    The donation would not only benefits our school, but also your organization. I believe that your center will gain an excellent reputation if you help our school, and I would like to inform you that we would publish a thank you letter on newspapers in our newsletter if you donate that old equipment for to us. I am sure that your kind help to us would only serve to enhance the positive image of your organization and would attract more people to join your fitness center in the long term. more people will thus know your kindly help for us form the newspapers and be attracted to join member of your fitness center. In the long term, the profit of your center will be increased because the positive image of your company.

    In addition, many students in our school will get to know the brand name of your center if you are willing to help the students by donating the equipment. All of them may also Those students will not only appreciate your help and but they will promote your center to their friends by word of mouth in the future. Therefore, your center may attract many teenagers to join and become loyal members of your center as well. That will be a good phenomenon for the development of your company.

    In conclusion, it is believed I believe that the donation would be is mutually beneficial to our school and fitness center. Your help will not only enhance your reputation and attract teenagers to join your center, but also improve our students' health and help them to explore their training interests. I hope that we could receive good news form your reply. If you have any question, please feel free to contact with us.

    Yours sincerely,
    Chris Wong
    The chairperson of ABC school’s Sports Club

  5. Vincen't Wong's Avatar
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    #6

    Talking Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 7

    Quote Originally Posted by teechar View Post
    Life in the Lucky Village 40 years ago
    Lucky village was a peaceful village located in the center of Qupodry IslandHawaii. It had more than one hundred people and 2 leaders about half a century ago. Also, it had a democratic environment for all in which the citizens residents to could vote and choose their own leaders. Therefore, people in the village were very happy because they had a fair opportunity to choose what they wanted. The leaders not only gave free education for to students, but also provided residents free medical treatment and care. As a result, Lucky village was the best village on the island in the USA.
    An event that changed Lucky Village
    In 1980, the an unfortunate war with the neighboring Tudwa village broke outsecondary war of worlds was happened. Japanese army Armed men from Tudwa invaded Lucky village and killed many residents living there. After that, the number of villagers was decreased from one hundred to almost half this numberten, as so many had been either killed or had fled, and the village was under Tudwa's complete control for the next two yearscontrolled by Japan.
    In that period, all of the village’s traditional culture and historical housing were destroyed. Apart from that these, many miserable villagers lost their families. It Lucky village changed from being a peaceful village to a hell of war.

    What Lucky Village is famous for
    Lucky village had a traditionally famous event called "Dancing with Fire". On the first day of every year, all villagers wearing straw hats and skirts danced next to the fire at night. It was a way for them to express their appreciation to their god and pray that the god would to take care of all the villagers in the new year. However, the that traditional dance is unfortunately disappeared because of the war.

    Topic:
    A local fitness center is being renovated. As the chairperson of your school’s Sports Club, write a letter to ask the fitness center to donate some of their old equipment to your school. In your letter, describe how the donation could benefit your school and the fitness center.

    Dear Sir/Madam,
    On behalf of the As the chairperson of ABC school’s Sport Club, I am writing to ask for help about donating your the old equipment of from your fitness center to our school.

    We were recently know notified that your fitness center is going to be renovated, and that you will dispose of the old sports and fitness equipment such as running treadmills and various other machines to in the landfill. I would like to suggest that you donate them that equipment instead to our school so that our students can reuse these and benefit from that equipment.

    In addition, our sports club is going to set up a gym room and buy some sporting equipment for itof sport. As you may know, gym room equipment is are very expensive, and we could not afford such an expensethem. If you give us the useful equipment, our school would, without any doubt, save plenty of money to buy more other necessary facilities for students with no doubt.

    Besides, that donation could improve the school students' health. With a well-equipped gym room, students will have more chances to do exercises by using a wide variety of equipment. For example, students could join more fitness and training classes in the gym room, and explore various options therelearn how to train their body in PE lesson in the gym room. They thus may explore their interest from these equipment and fall in love with doing healthy exercises. In the long term, these that equipment can improve their physical health and reduce levels of high blood pressure, obesity or other such unhealthy conditions overweight diseases like high blood pressure and high cholesterol level .

    The donation would not only benefits our school, but also your organization. I believe that your center will gain an excellent reputation if you help our school, and I would like to inform you that we would publish a thank you letter on newspapers in our newsletter if you donate that old equipment for to us. I am sure that your kind help to us would only serve to enhance the positive image of your organization and would attract more people to join your fitness center in the long term. more people will thus know your kindly help for us form the newspapers and be attracted to join member of your fitness center. In the long term, the profit of your center will be increased because the positive image of your company.

    In addition, many students in our school will get to know the brand name of your center if you are willing to help the students by donating the equipment. All of them may also Those students will not only appreciate your help and but they will promote your center to their friends by word of mouth in the future. Therefore, your center may attract many teenagers to join and become loyal members of your center as well. That will be a good phenomenon for the development of your company.

    In conclusion, it is believed I believe that the donation would be is mutually beneficial to our school and fitness center. Your help will not only enhance your reputation and attract teenagers to join your center, but also improve our students' health and help them to explore their training interests. I hope that we could receive good news form your reply. If you have any question, please feel free to contact with us.

    Yours sincerely,
    Chris Wong
    The chairperson of ABC school’s Sports Club
    Thank you Teechar and Technist,
    I just checked my mistakes, and I was confused about some points.
    Could I ask you some questions?
    1. Lucky village changed from being a peaceful village to a hell of war.
    Q:Could I delete "being"?

    2. The number of villagers was decreased from one hundred to almost half this numberten, as so many had been either killed or had fled

    Q: Could I delete the”,” or use simple past tense to describe that villagers who were killed and fled?

    3. we could not afford such an expensehigh blood pressure, obesity or other such unhealthy conditions

    Q: if “such” is equal “that/these”?

    Thank you so much for your help

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    #7

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 7

    1.
    A. Being just helps with describing the village. It doesn't describe, but it helps. It was being peaceful. Your choice! Without being seems fine. Check with Teechar, though. It's his revision.

    2.
    A. Don't use the 'was' before 'decreased'. "The number of villagers decreased from one hundred to almost half this number, as so many had been either killed of had fled."
    I don't think we need to comma after 'number'. The word 'as' is supposed to continue the sentence directly. Check with teechar.

    3.
    A. Nope. The word 'such' is dependent on other variables. 'Such' isn't a synonym of 'that' or 'these'.

  6. teechar's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 7

    Quote Originally Posted by Vincen't Wong View Post
    1. Lucky village changed from being a peaceful village to a hell of war.
    Q:Could I delete "being"?
    Yes you can.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vincen't Wong View Post
    2. The number of villagers decreased from one hundred to almost half this number, as so many had been either killed or had fled.
    Q: Could I delete the”,” or use simple past tense to describe that villagers who were killed and fled?
    The reason for the past perfect is that "kill" and "flea" occurred before "decrease", and the comma makes the sentence easier to read.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vincen't Wong View Post
    3. "... such an expense" / "... or other such unhealthy conditions"
    Q: if “such” is equal “that/these”?
    No it isn't.
    "Such an expense" = "an expense such as this one".
    "Other such unhealthy conditions" = "other unhealthy conditions such as these".

  7. Vincen't Wong's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 7

    Quote Originally Posted by teechar View Post
    Yes you can.


    The reason for the past perfect is that "kill" and "flea" occurred before "decrease", and the comma makes the sentence easier to read.


    No it isn't.
    "Such an expense" = "an expense such as this one".
    "Other such unhealthy conditions" = "other unhealthy conditions such as these".
    Oh! I got it!
    Thank you, Sir

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    #10

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 7

    Quote Originally Posted by teechar View Post
    "kill" and "flee"
    Homophones are tricky sometimes.

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