please score and correct my essay

[ielts 9]

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.
To what extend do you agree or disagree?
What other measures do you think might be effective?

Nowadays in the twenty-first century, it is irrefutable fact that the word is suffering from traffic congestion. Consequently, a tremendous number of people unanimously believe that increasing the petrol's price is the best way to solve this issue. Personally, I completely accord with this opinion, and below I will endeavor to show some light on other measures that could be efficient in solving this problem.

First and foremost, a study was conducted to show the relation between traffic jam and petrol's price on different countries. The study covered Saudi Arabia, Japan, Switzerland and US. It demonstrates that the highest traffic problem was in Saudi Arabia followed by Japan, US than Switzerland which was the least. Compared to the price of the Petrol, Saudi Arabia a the lowest petrol's price while Switzerland has the highest. From this study, it is clearly can be seen that there is a strong relation between raising the expenses of the petrol and solving the traffic congestion.

Moreover, living in a country that is suffer from traffic jam undoubtedly means living in a polluted area. No one can deny that Switzerland has the least pollution air and water over the world. Based on the Swiss's ministry of health, all the waterfall water are suitable for drinking. On the other hand, tap water on Saudi Arabia is not suitable for drinking.

In order to solve this problem different action should be taken. First, government should provide public transportation. The public transportation facility should be free for students and government employee. Also, it should be provided for public with a very low price to encourage them to use it.

Yo sum up, I believe that in order to save the environment for the next generations we should take a step froward. And the first step that need to be taken is raising the price of the petrol.

 

[Tarheel]

Good formatting!

To what extend do you agree or disagree?

You might want to respell something there.

Nowadays in the twenty-first century, it is irrefutable fact that the word is suffering from traffic congestion.

You might have a spelling problem there.

Consequently, a tremendous number of people unanimously believe that increasing the petrol's price is the best way to solve this issue.

There might be some unintentional humor there.

When are you going to be giving this to your teacher for grading?

 

[ielts 9]

Good formatting!

When are you going to be giving this to your teacher for grading?

I won't give it to anyone , It's not for grading. I'm preparing for my IELTS exam.
I'm trying to improve my writing and this question is one of the IELTS practices test.

can this essay score 6.5 or more?
Also could you please provide me with my mistakes to avoid it?

 

[emsr2d2]

Tarheel already posted two of your sentences which contain spelling errors. Perhaps you should identify the spelling errors and correct them before expecting us to point out other errors.

 

[ielts 9]

Tarheel already posted two of your sentences which contain spelling errors. Perhaps you should identify the spelling errors and correct them before expecting us to point out other errors.

There is no spelling error in the sentence that Tarheel posted.
I double cheek the whole essay by putting it on Microsoft word to see if there is any spelling error.

There is a spilling error in the essay but not on these to sentence that Tarheel posted.

Are you sure!!!

 

[emsr2d2]

There is no spelling error in the sentence that Tarheel posted.
I double cheek the whole essay by putting it on Microsoft word to see if there is any spelling error.

There is a spilling error in the essay but not on these to sentence that Tarheel posted.

Are you sure? [strike]!!![/strike]

The problem with spellcheck is that if the word you have typed is in the dictionary, it won't realise it's not the word you meant. Both of the errors to which I refer are errors which have resulted in a totally different English word. Have another look at those sentences Tarheel drew your attention to. Look very carefully at every single word.

Look at the post I have quoted in this post. There are three spelling errors - I have marked them in red.

 

[ielts 9]

Thank you all emsr2d2 and Tarheel for your feedback. I relay appreciate it.

Nowadays in the twenty-first century, it is irrefutable fact that the word [world] is suffering from traffic congestion.:-D

For the second sentence, is it petrol's, I should't write apostrophe then s and it should be petrol because it's non countable? am I right?

Consequently = correct
a = correct
tremendous = correct
number = correct
of = correct
people = correct
unanimously = correct
believe = correct
that = correct
increasing = correct
the = correct
petrol's
price = correct
is = correct
the = correct
best = correct
way = correct
to = correct
solve = correct
this = correct
issue. = correct

 

[Auldlangsyne]

(not a teacher)

The extent of the problem with the essay may not be immediately clear. However, there may be undesirable consequences if you leave it now for an extended period of time.

I made the same mistake. :-D

 

[+Technist Warp-]

Thank you all emsr2d2 and Tarheel for your feedback. I relay appreciate it.

Nowadays in the twenty-first century, it is a irrefutable fact that the word [world] is suffering from traffic congestion.:-D

For the second sentence, is it petrol's, I should't write apostrophe then s and it should be petrol because it's non countable? am I right?

You should use 'a' when saying about one irrefutable fact. Don't use 'a' if it is plural but since irrefutable fact is singular, use it.

***Not a teacher***

 

[emsr2d2]

Almost right, TechnistWarp, except it needs to be an irrefutable fact because of the vowel sound at the start of "irrefutable".

ielts9, the third sentence Tarheel quoted didn't have a spelling error. He didn't say it did. He said it might contain some unintentional humour.

 

[+Technist Warp-]

Thanks! Got mixed up with 'a useful....' :-D

 

[Raymott]

I hope they don't base any of your marks on logic.

Your second paragraph says nothing about raising the cost of petrol. It compares prices and pollution levels between four different countries. Besides, no figures are given, so you can't say there's a strong 'relation' (correlation) between the price of petrol and pollution. You compound the error by saying that this undemonstrated "strong relation" is "clearly seen".

Your third paragraph doesn't get any better.
"No one can deny that Switzerland has the least pollution air and water over the world."
I can deny it. Look here: http://www.numbeo.com/pollution/rankings_by_country.jsp
Are you basing your judgement about the whole world on a study of four countries?

 

[+Technist Warp-]

Apart from everything we have said, essays should be organized.

You should start with an opening paragraph as you have already done. The opening paragraph should be about the background info of the topic or issue. You would also need a thesis statement to show that you agree or disagree with the statement. The thesis statement is also your claim.

Next, you should have two to three supporting paragraphs that have a point in each paragraph that supports your thesis statement. Each of these paragraphs should be backed up with evidence such as statistics, history, facts & figures, or an expert's opinion. Examples should also be given. The first sentence of each supporting paragraph should be the point. Use words such as firstly, next, then, lastly, etc. The structure of a supporting paragraph would be best if it is 1. Topic Sentence first, 2. Explanation second, 3. Evidence third, 4. Explanation of Evidence fourth, and 5. Closing Statement last.

You should also have some counter-argument paragraphs but they are actually optional. Counter-argument paragraphs helps you by the ability to rebut the other side. There shouldn't be any evidence for counter-arguments and there should always be more supporting paragraphs than counter argument paragraphs.

Then you come up with the conclusion that will hopefully convince the reader that your points are true.

You could just search essay structures, persuasive essay structures, or argumentative essay structures. It's everywhere!

***Not a teacher***

 

[teechar]

Counter-argument paragraphs helps you

"Counter-argument paragraphs help you ...".

 

[Tarheel]

Almost right, TechnistWarp, except it needs to be an irrefutable fact because of the vowel sound at the start of "irrefutable".

ielts9, the third sentence Tarheel quoted didn't have a spelling error. He didn't say it did. He said it might contain some unintentional humour.

The unintentional humour has to do with unanimously, thus:

Consequently, a tremendous number of people unanimously believe that increasing the petrol's price is the best way to solve this issue.

​

If it is going to be unanimous, then everybody will have to agree (not just a tremendous number of people, whatever that means). (Also, it should be: the price of petrol.)

There is an issue? (BTW, my spellcheck thinks "humor" is misspelled. ;-))
;-)

 

[LaDonna7]

So, your essay is rather good, but I would add more your own opinion. I understand, that when you write your essay the thougts can run low till the end of the essay, but the main aim of the teacher is not only to check your grammar and knowledge of lexic, but also to see how you can formulate your own opinion. when you begin to speack or to write the information, which isnt included to your scholl/university topic, there can be some mistaces, because you try to speack/to write "on spot". Its like a stream of thoughts. An in such case its very important not only to check ypur grammatical writing, but also the logical chain of your point of view. Unfortunately not all the theachers exept your opinion and if yours deffers from their you even can get a bad mark. In my practise I had such situations. So, I had to find a way out from this situation. When I was looking for an interesting information to strike my teacher i`ve found one site, which helped me to avoid all my problems! Here it is [REMOVED LINK] I beleive not always you have time to write a good essay and even if your essay is good, the theacher can not like it. But with the help of this people you can solve this problem and surprise your teacher;-)

 

[tedmc]

LaDonna,
Is that meant to be an advertisement? I can't believe you are giving advice on how to write well.

 

[Esredux]

So, your essay is rather good, but I would add more your own opinion. I understand, that when you write your essay the thougts can run low till the end of the essay, but the main aim of the teacher is not only to check your grammar and knowledge of lexic, but also to see how you can formulate your own opinion. when you begin to speack or to write the information, which isnt included to your scholl/university topic, there can be some mistaces, because you try to speack/to write "on spot". Its like a stream of thoughts. An in such case its very important not only to check ypur grammatical writing, but also the logical chain of your point of view. Unfortunately not all the theachers exept your opinion and if yours deffers from their you even can get a bad mark. In my practise I had such situations. So, I had to find a way out from this situation. When I was looking for an interesting information to strike my teacher i`ve found one site, which helped me to avoid all my problems! Here it is xxx I beleive not always you have time to write a good essay and even if your essay is good, the theacher can not like it. But with the help of this people you can solve this problem and surprise your teacher;-)

What might have gone wrong with your spellchecker? :shock:

In terms of grammar and general sense, rest assured this piece of writing from an English teacher comes as a complete surprise. :-|

 

[Tarheel]

I have some suggestions for you.

So, your essay is rather good, but I would see you express your opinions more. I understand, that when you write your essay the thoughts can run low till the end of the essay, but the main aim of the teacher is not only to check your grammar and knowledge of lexic but also to see how you can formulate your own opinion. (I have no idea what that means. :-?) When you begin to speak or to write the information, which isn't included to your school/university topic, there can be some mistakes because you try to speak/to write "on spot". Its like a stream of consciousness situation. And in such cases it's very important not only to check your grammatical writing, but also the logical chain of your point of view. Unfortunately not all the teachers will accept your opinion and if yours differs from theirs you might get a bad mark. In my experience I encountered such situations. So, I had to find a way to solve that problem. When I was looking for an interesting way to impress my teacher I found a site which helped me to solve all my problems! Here it is [LINK REMOVED] I believe that you don't always have time to write a good essay, and even if your essay is good, the teacher might not like it. But with the help of these people you can solve your problem and surprise your teacher.;-)

It is more important to have a period at the end of your sentence than it is to have an emoticon there. Also, you created a couple of new phrases which might not be easy for everybody to figure out. For example, a logical chain is a kind of chain I had never heard of before. And grammatical writing is, I suppose writing that is grammatical. (But that is what it is supposed to be anyhow.) Furthermore, I do not know what knowledge of lexic is.

:roll:

 

[Tarheel]

P.S. I meant to say that my spellchecker thinks "humour" is misspelled, but I typed "humor". Habit, I suppose.
:-o