I'm preaparing for ielts and I need you to correct the essay I wrote as an answer to the following topic:
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
In our days, educational aspects have changed in Morocco. Some people think that we have to develop a sense of competition in children, others believe that children must co-operate for being a useful adult. I think that both of these views of people have some advantages and some disadvantages. In the following I will discuss each one and I will give my take on this topic.
From one point of view, what are the good things that will happen if a sense of competition is developed in children? I think that the productivity of children will rise and they will reach their aims. For instance, schools can organise some artistic, sportive, or scientific competition and they encourage students to participate, so everyone will try to do his best to win and this will push him to learn more about that activity and maybe he will take courses to develop himself and show others that he is the best. However, if children become competitive, they can be like a robot; they try to execute tasks that they are given and will lose their spirit of analysis and they will also be selfish.
From the other point of view, I believe that teaching children to co-operate with each other in order to be a useful adult has also some advantages and disadvantages. Children will have the ability to work in a group and to share information with colleagues, so they will have team spirit and that’s crucial for their professional life in the future when they will be adults. Moreover, the intelligence of children differ from one to another and if they work with each other, (they will complete each other)?consider revising) and will have good results. However, co-operation will not allow children to be independent and they will be always be influenced by the opinions of their colleagues.
To summarize, I agree with the idea that children must co-operate rather than compete. Nobody is perfect, and nobody can know everything but everyone knows something about everything so if children co-operate they can bring together important things and complete each others knowledge.
1. I corrected the second paragraph with 'they' and 'their' because you are talking about 'children'. 'Children' is plural so the antecedents should be plural as well.
2. I changed the 'one side' and 'other side' to 'one point of view' and 'other point of view' because saying 'side' isn't really the best and understandable way to address this type of situation.
3. You've got to make sure that what you say has to be logical. There is infinite knowledge so knowledge can't be completely filled. Correct me if I don't see your point of view but you might want to consider revising that last phrase 'complete each others knowledge'
1. Don't use 'I think' when writing something like this. It weakens your point of argument. Either get straight to the point by not using 'I think' or replace it by using 'I believe'
2. Essays should be formal so it is better to not use apostrophes(') unless when talking about property. (E.g. Dave's puppy)
3. Support your argument about them being selfish. Explain about it in detail.
4. Your argument paragraphs should have more detail. It's better to support the point of view you are siding with. It's better to have a point a paragraph with evidence and examples.
***Not corrected by a teacher***
Student or Learner