Results 1 to 5 of 5
  1. Newbie
    Student or Learner
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Morocco
      • Current Location:
      • Morocco

    • Join Date: Mar 2015
    • Posts: 6
    #1

    Post IELTS test practice essay correction.

    I'm preaparing for ielts and I need you to correct the essay I wrote as an answer to the following topic:

    Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
    Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


    In our days, education aspects are changed in Morocco. Some people think that we have to develop a sense of competition in children, others believe that children must co-operate for being a useful adult. I think that both of these points of view of people have some advantages and some disadvantages. In the following I will discuss each one and I will give my take on this topic.

    From the one side, what are the good things that will happen if a sense of competition is developed in children? I think that the productivity of child will raise and he will reach his aims. For instance, in school responsables can organise some artistic, sportive, or scientific competition and they encourage students to participate, so everyone will try to do his best to win and this will push him to learn more about that activity and may be he will take courses to develop his self and show others that he’s the best. However, if children be more competitive he can will be like a robot; he try just to execute tasks that he is given and will lose his spirit of analyze and also he will be selfish.

    From the other side, I believe that teaching children to co-operate with each other in order to be a useful adult has also some advantages and disadvantage. Children will have the ability to work in a group and to share informations with colleagues, so they will have a team spirit and that’s crucial for their professional life in the future when they will be adults. Moreover, the intelligence of children differ from one to others and if they work with each other they will complete each other and we will have good results. However, co-operate in continue will not allow children to be independent and he will be always influenced by the opinions of their colleagues.

    To summarize, I’m agree with the idea of children must co-operate rather than compete. Nobody is perfect, and nobody can know everything but anyone know something about everything so if children co-operate they can bring an important things and complete the knowledge of each other.

    Last edited by emsr2d2; 10-Mar-2015 at 20:33. Reason: Enlarged font size to make it readable

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • Hong Kong
      • Current Location:
      • Indonesia

    • Join Date: Mar 2015
    • Posts: 155
    #2

    Re: IELTS test practice essay correction.

    I'm preaparing for ielts and I need you to correct the essay I wrote as an answer to the following topic:

    Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
    Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


    In our days, educational aspects have changed in Morocco. Some people think that we have to develop a sense of competition in children, others believe that children must co-operate for being a useful adult. I think that both of these views of people have some advantages and some disadvantages. In the following I will discuss each one and I will give my take on this topic.

    From one point of view, what are the good things that will happen if a sense of competition is developed in children? I think that the productivity of children will rise and they will reach their aims. For instance, schools can organise some artistic, sportive, or scientific competition and they encourage students to participate, so everyone will try to do his best to win and this will push him to learn more about that activity and maybe he will take courses to develop himself and show others that he is the best. However, if children become competitive, they can be like a robot; they try to execute tasks that they are given and will lose their spirit of analysis and they will also be selfish.

    From the other point of view, I believe that teaching children to co-operate with each other in order to be a useful adult has also some advantages and disadvantages. Children will have the ability to work in a group and to share information with colleagues, so they will have team spirit and that’s crucial for their professional life in the future when they will be adults. Moreover, the intelligence of children differ from one to another and if they work with each other, (they will complete each other)?consider revising) and will have good results. However, co-operation will not allow children to be independent and they will be always be influenced by the opinions of their colleagues.

    To summarize, I agree with the idea that children must co-operate rather than compete. Nobody is perfect, and nobody can know everything but everyone knows something about everything so if children co-operate they can bring together important things and complete each others knowledge.

    Notes!
    1. I corrected the second paragraph with 'they' and 'their' because you are talking about 'children'. 'Children' is plural so the antecedents should be plural as well.
    2. I changed the 'one side' and 'other side' to 'one point of view' and 'other point of view' because saying 'side' isn't really the best and understandable way to address this type of situation.
    3. You've got to make sure that what you say has to be logical. There is infinite knowledge so knowledge can't be completely filled. Correct me if I don't see your point of view but you might want to consider revising that last phrase 'complete each others knowledge'


    Tips!
    1. Don't use 'I think' when writing something like this. It weakens your point of argument. Either get straight to the point by not using 'I think' or replace it by using 'I believe'
    2. Essays should be formal so it is better to not use apostrophes(') unless when talking about property. (E.g. Dave's puppy)
    3. Support your argument about them being selfish. Explain about it in detail.
    4. Your argument paragraphs should have more detail. It's better to support the point of view you are siding with. It's better to have a point a paragraph with evidence and examples.

    ***Not corrected by a teacher***

  2. Newbie
    Student or Learner
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Morocco
      • Current Location:
      • Morocco

    • Join Date: Mar 2015
    • Posts: 6
    #3

    Re: IELTS test practice essay correction.

    Thank you very much Sir for correction and for your crucial advices.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • Hong Kong
      • Current Location:
      • Indonesia

    • Join Date: Mar 2015
    • Posts: 155
    #4

    Re: IELTS test practice essay correction.

    No need to call me 'sir' I'm 13.

  3. Newbie
    Student or Learner
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Morocco
      • Current Location:
      • Morocco

    • Join Date: Mar 2015
    • Posts: 6
    #5

    Re: IELTS test practice essay correction.

    ok :)
    Thank you

Similar Threads

  1. [Essay] Please help me to correct and rate my essay for ielts practice
    By Nimpha in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 29-Mar-2014, 07:36
  2. [Essay] Please review and mark my essay. Ielts practice.
    By yassin11 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 04-Dec-2013, 17:31
  3. [Essay] Can someone rate my practice IELTS Task 2 essay?
    By flyflare in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 13-Jun-2013, 02:28
  4. [Essay] Can someone rate my practice IELTS Task 2 essay?
    By flyflare in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 13-Jun-2013, 02:28
  5. Is it possible for someone to help me with my IELTS practice essay?
    By buby25 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 14-Mar-2008, 19:00

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •