Results 1 to 3 of 3
  1. Newbie
    Student or Learner
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Morocco
      • Current Location:
      • Morocco

    • Join Date: Mar 2015
    • Posts: 6
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #1

    Post IELTS Essay's correction

    I will be thankful of you if you correct me this essay and tell me about the effecient manner to improve my text.

    In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

    Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

    After finishing high school, many students might be exhausted by studies. A large part of people encourage young people to take a break of one year just to work or travel before starting university studies. Rich young people can spend this year in traveling and discovering world, but poorer one have to work for being economically independent.

    There are many reasons to make a decision like that, many students who had just finished their high school studies have no experience in life or they have not enough money to start studying in university. I think that if a student travel, he will meet other people and he will have an exchange of experience or more exactly he will learn from the experience of others. Also, he will enjoy his time and get a new breath to start again their studies. The poor student, if he works one year he will earn money and he will be able to pay the fees of study.

    However, stopping studies for one year might create some problems to students such as losing some opportunities. For example, in our country if you have the possibility to study medicine this year, next year you risk to do not have access to it because your mark do not allow you to pass the test. Moreover, when young people stop studying they cannot returning to their studies or finding difficulties to re-adapt to an academic program.

    In conclusion, I believe that people have to encourage students to discover new horizons and to know what they want in this life. Taking a break of one year can bring student the ability to do best choices and reaching his objectives.
    Last edited by Dijaa; 11-Mar-2015 at 00:45. Reason: paragraphs spacing

  2. Newbie
    Student or Learner
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Morocco
      • Current Location:
      • Morocco

    • Join Date: Mar 2015
    • Posts: 6
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #2

    Re: IELTS Essay's correction

    Thank you very much

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • Hong Kong
      • Current Location:
      • Indonesia

    • Join Date: Mar 2015
    • Posts: 155
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #3

    Re: IELTS Essay's correction

    "I will be thankful if you correct me this essay and tell me about the efficient manner to improve my text.

    In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

    Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

    After finishing high school, many students might be exhausted by their studies. A large group of people encourage young people to take a break for one year just to work or travel before starting university studies. Rich, young people can spend this year in traveling and discovering the world, but the poorer ones have to work for being economically independent.

    There are many reasons to make a decision like that, many students who had just finished their high school studies have no experience in life or they have not enough money to start studying in university. I think that if a student travels, he will meet other people and he will exchange experiences with others or more precisely, he will learn from the experience of others. Also, he will enjoy his time and get a new breath to start their studiesagain. If the poor student works one year, he will earn money and he will be able to pay the school fees.

    However, stop studies for one year might create some problems to students such as losing some opportunities. For example, in our country, if you have the possibility to study medicine this year, you might risk having no possibility next year because your marks might not allow you to pass the test. Moreover, when young people stop studying, they cannot return to their studies and find difficulties to re-adapt to an academic program."

    In conclusion, I believe that people have to encourage students to discover new horizons and to know what they want
    to do with their life. Taking a break for one year can bring students the possibility to make the best choices and reach objectives.


    Note!
    1. Don't use I think. It makes your point look weak.
    2. The structures of some of your sentences need consideration in revising.
    3. When talking about advantages and disadvantages, it is best to talk about each advantage and disadvantage per paragraph and use this structure for each advantage or disadvantage.
    Point: What is the point?
    Evidence: Statistics, Links, Numbers
    Example: Statistics, History

    *Revised Edition*

    Sorry, I was rushing through it last time.

Similar Threads

  1. [Essay] IELTS ACADEMIC ESSAY # 2 ( correction please )
    By mustafaelbehery in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 09-Apr-2013, 12:43
  2. [Essay] IELTS ACADEMIC ESSAY # 2 ( correction please )
    By mustafaelbehery in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 08-Apr-2013, 17:48
  3. [Essay] IELTS ACADEMIC ESSAY # 2 ( correction please )
    By mustafaelbehery in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 06-Apr-2013, 14:14
  4. [Essay] IELTS ACADEMIC ESSAY ( correction please )
    By mustafaelbehery in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 06-Apr-2013, 13:43
  5. IELTS ESSAY correction please
    By Cassy in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 14-Aug-2012, 04:18

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •