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  1. Vincen't Wong's Avatar
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      • Taiwan
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    #1

    Post could anyone help me to check my writing ? 8

    I will put all my effort for the English test

    Topic:
    The US Daily is asking students to submit an article about their summer job experiences. You were employed as a costumed character performer in one of the local theme parks last summer. In your article, write about your typical working day, and the good things and bad things about your job. Write the article.

    Memorable summer job’s experience

    Have you ever been employed as a costume character performer in any theme parks? Recently. I just finished my summer job of being a costumed character performer and gain so much valuable experience. I would like to share my duties, good things and bad things about my memorable job for you. I hope that more students would thus try to apply this job for broadening their horizons

    To begin with, I was employed by an animal theme park called Catty that is one of the famous parks in London. My working time was form 7am to 3pm everyday but Saturday and Sunday. My main job mission was to dress up different kind of costumes such as tiger, duck or elephant clothes so as to attract customers’ attention in the park. Also, I needed to provide them a pleasant experience as well. For example, I gave children free candies and balloons, and took photos with them.

    The job provided me a valuable chance to improve my communication skills. I was a shy boy and always afraid of talking with others. Thanks to the job, I had many chances to contact with a wide variety of people from different cultures and countries. I had to be cheerful and active to talk with all customers in the park and to make some funny jokes for them. After the 3-weeks summer job, I become a talkative and cheerful person, and my speaking skill is definitely enhanced.

    In addition, Catty gave me a remarkable remuneration and welfare to me. They not only provided me a free lunch a day, but also offered subsidies of transportation fee to and from work. Moreover, the salaries were quite good so my friends were jealous of me so much. Furthermore, my supervisor usually gave me many rest times and chances to touch animals. It was so lucky for me.

    However, I had to wear a heavy clothes everyday in the hot weather. It was really a tough mission for me because I am not a strong man. I was thus sweating all day inside the costume. Also, I was quite tired after the work because I had had to talk continuously and play with plenty of children all day. The children were just so excited and energetic so sometime I felt exhausted and hoped to have more rest times.

    All in all, the good things of my job are improving my communication skills and having good welfare for staff. However, the bad thing of that is tiredness. I suggest that students should try this type of jobs during the vacations because they will definitely learn a lot from it.

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    • Join Date: Mar 2015
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    #2

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 8

    I will put all my effort for the English test.

    Topic:
    The US Daily is asking students to submit an article about their summer job experiences. You were employed as a costumed character performer in one of the local theme parks last summer. In your article, write about your typical working day, and the good things and bad things about your job. Write the article.

    Memorable Summer Job Experience

    Have you ever been employed as a costume character performer in any theme parks? Recently, I just finished my summer job of being a costumed character performer and gained so much valuable experience. I would like to share my duties, good things and bad things about my memorable job to(1) you. I hope that more students would try to apply this job for broadening their horizons.

    To begin with, I was employed by an animal theme park called Catty which was one of the famous parks in London. My working time was from 7am to 3pm everyday except(2) Saturdays and Sundays. My main job mission was to dress up in different kinds of costumes such as tiger, duck or elephant clothes so as to attract customers’ attention in(Q1) the park. I need to provide them a pleasant experience as well(3). For example, I gave children free candies and balloons, and took photos with them.

    The job provided me a valuable chance to improve my communication skills. I was a shy boy and always afraid of talking with others. Thanks to the job, I had many opportunities to communicate with a wide variety of people from different cultures and countries. I had to be cheerful and active to talk with all customers in the park and to make some funny jokes for them. After the 3-weeks summer job, I became(4) a talkative and cheerful person, and my speaking skills have definitely enhanced.

    In addition, Catty gave me a remarkable remuneration and welfare to me. They not only provided me a free lunch each(5) day, but also offered subsidies of transportation fee to and from work. Moreover, the salaries were quite good so my friends were jealous of me so much. Furthermore, my supervisor usually gave me many breaks and chances to touch animals. I was so lucky.

    However, I had to wear heavy clothes everyday in hot weather. It was really a tough mission for me because I am not a strong man. I was thus sweating all day inside the costume. Also, I was quite tired after the work because I had to talk continuously and play with plenty of children all day. The children were just so excited and energetic so sometimes I felt exhausted and hoped to have more breaks.

    All in all, the good things of my job were improving my communication skills and having good welfare for staff. However, the bad thing of that is tiredness. I suggest that students should try this type of job during the vacations because they will definitely learn a lot from it.


    Notes!
    1. (Original Word: for > Changed to: to) When you use 'for' it sounds like the audience wanted to hear about it from the start. Nothing wrong in that. But using 'to' would alter the function so that the audience have the choice to hear it if they want to or not.'
    2. (Original Word: but > Changed to: except) 'But' is usually used to connect sentences together like 'and'. Using 'except' would put apart Saturday and Sunday from everyday while using 'but' wouldn't be as effective as 'except'.
    3. I took out the 'also' at the beginning of the sentence because it is basically the same thing as 'as well'. You can choose to use 'also' or to use 'as well' but using both would be incorrect.
    4. (Original Word: become > changed to: became) You changed into a talkative and cheerful person when you were doing your summer job. Keep your literature in past tense.
    5. (Original Word: a > changed to: each) Using 'a' is okay for some cases. (An apple a day.) But when saying 'free lunch each day' would imply that you get a free lunch everyday you work but using 'a' instead of 'each' isn't extremely proper.

    Don't take my criticism for granted. I'm not a teacher.

  2. Vincen't Wong's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Afrikaans
      • Home Country:
      • Taiwan
      • Current Location:
      • Taiwan

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 45
    #3

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 8

    Quote Originally Posted by +Technist Warp- View Post
    I will put all my effort for the English test.

    Topic:
    The US Daily is asking students to submit an article about their summer job experiences. You were employed as a costumed character performer in one of the local theme parks last summer. In your article, write about your typical working day, and the good things and bad things about your job. Write the article.

    Memorable Summer Job Experience

    Have you ever been employed as a costume character performer in any theme parks? Recently, I just finished my summer job of being a costumed character performer and gained so much valuable experience. I would like to share my duties, good things and bad things about my memorable job to(1) you. I hope that more students would try to apply this job for broadening their horizons.

    To begin with, I was employed by an animal theme park called Catty which was one of the famous parks in London. My working time was from 7am to 3pm everyday except(2) Saturdays and Sundays. My main job mission was to dress up in different kinds of costumes such as tiger, duck or elephant clothes so as to attract customers’ attention in(Q1) the park. I need to provide them a pleasant experience as well(3). For example, I gave children free candies and balloons, and took photos with them.

    The job provided me a valuable chance to improve my communication skills. I was a shy boy and always afraid of talking with others. Thanks to the job, I had many opportunities to communicate with a wide variety of people from different cultures and countries. I had to be cheerful and active to talk with all customers in the park and to make some funny jokes for them. After the 3-weeks summer job, I became(4) a talkative and cheerful person, and my speaking skills have definitely enhanced.

    In addition, Catty gave me a remarkable remuneration and welfare to me. They not only provided me a free lunch each(5) day, but also offered subsidies of transportation fee to and from work. Moreover, the salaries were quite good so my friends were jealous of me so much. Furthermore, my supervisor usually gave me many breaks and chances to touch animals. I was so lucky.

    However, I had to wear heavy clothes everyday in hot weather. It was really a tough mission for me because I am not a strong man. I was thus sweating all day inside the costume. Also, I was quite tired after the work because I had to talk continuously and play with plenty of children all day. The children were just so excited and energetic so sometimes I felt exhausted and hoped to have more breaks.

    All in all, the good things of my job were improving my communication skills and having good welfare for staff. However, the bad thing of that is tiredness. I suggest that students should try this type of job during the vacations because they will definitely learn a lot from it.


    Notes!
    1. (Original Word: for > Changed to: to) When you use 'for' it sounds like the audience wanted to hear about it from the start. Nothing wrong in that. But using 'to' would alter the function so that the audience have the choice to hear it if they want to or not.'
    2. (Original Word: but > Changed to: except) 'But' is usually used to connect sentences together like 'and'. Using 'except' would put apart Saturday and Sunday from everyday while using 'but' wouldn't be as effective as 'except'.
    3. I took out the 'also' at the beginning of the sentence because it is basically the same thing as 'as well'. You can choose to use 'also' or to use 'as well' but using both would be incorrect.
    4. (Original Word: become > changed to: became) You changed into a talkative and cheerful person when you were doing your summer job. Keep your literature in past tense.
    5. (Original Word: a > changed to: each) Using 'a' is okay for some cases. (An apple a day.) But when saying 'free lunch each day' would imply that you get a free lunch everyday you work but using 'a' instead of 'each' isn't extremely proper.

    Don't take my criticism for granted. I'm not a teacher.
    Thanks! Could i ask u a few questions?

    Q1 : I need to provide them a pleasant experience as well
    Is it no past tense for “need”?

    Q2: I became(4) a talkative and cheerful person, and my speaking skills have definitely enhanced.
    Actually, I’m little bit confused about the past tense and present tense.
    Yes, I “became” a talkative person in the past when I was doing the summer job but I am still a talkative right now. I changed “became” to” become” because I’m now still a talkative person. I know that it is my misconception but I want to figure it out.

    Q3: They not only provided me a free lunch each(5) day
    In fact, i don't know when i should use a/per/each/everyday, I was really troubled when i was writing.

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