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  1. Vincen't Wong's Avatar
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    #1

    Post could anyone help me to check my writing ? 9

    Hallo, Hope someone could have time to check my writing.

    topic:
    You have received a letter from your brother Andy who is studying in America, telling you he has taken up motorbike racing as a hobby. Write a reply to him, explaining why you are worried about his new hobby. Try to persuade him to take up a different sport and give reasons for your recommendation.

    Andy,

    Hi! You have been studying in America for a while. Are you get used to life there? In the previous letter, you told me that you had found your interest there, which is playing motorbike racing. I am so glad that you finally discovered you hobby so you don’t need to be an indoorsman anymore. However, I think you should have a deeply consideration about your new hobby.

    Firstly, I understand you fell in love with this hobby but I think that it is a quite risky activity for you to join. I have seen many cases in various newspapers showing plenty of motorbike’s players injured and even died during the racing competition. I am really worried about you if you do get involved in the hobby because I know you are an impetuous person. I still remember how serious you were when we were playing computer games together. I believe that you will take the same attitude and do anything you could for the win when you are participating in racing matches. According to your “never lose” attitude, you will easily lose your mind once your opponent overtakes you in the racing games so you could thus get hurt easily. I don’t want to lose my best friend so please do consider my advice for your personal safety!

    Besides, you need to spend too much money for this bobby. Racing needs many professional skills so I believe that you have to take many racing class to learn or enhance these skills regularly, such as the method of the balance and the control of motorbikes. These classes are usually expensive so joining these unaffordable classes would consume all your money and even your saving. In addition, Your not only need to get a driving license, but also need to purchase costly bike’s components like engines and wheels in order to set up your own perfect motorbike. As you are just a student, you could not afford these equipment definitely, not to mention maintenance’s fee and ever-increasing oil prices.

    Apart from this, motor racing is a time-consuming interest which could affect your learning. As a student, I think your first mission is to focus on academic aspect rather than playing motorbike. If you choose to take part in this hobby, you will have to spend so much time in preparing racing matches, studying motorbike’s skills and training everyday, and you thus will hardly have time to focus on learning and even daily homework. Moreover, you are not a rich guy. Your parents are working very hard to earn money for your daily expenses in USA. As a son, you should try harder for your study and get the best academic performance to repay your parents.

    I am not meaning that you cant have a hobby you like, but you should find a more appreciate hobby like swimming. Swimming is a popular exercise in USA as well. There were so many international competitions which are exciting like racing matches among the world. Swimming is not only a safer activity, but also good for your heath and cheaper than motorbike racing. I’m a swimming lover so I really want to have a chance which is enjoying this hobby with you.

    Andy, I hope you understand my concerns and please reconsider your choice. I hope you can get rid of this dangerous activity and take part in another costless and safe interest such as swimming instead of racing for your own good.


    Take care,
    Chris Wong
    English learner

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    #2

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Vincen't Wong View Post
    Hallo, Hope someone could have time to check my writing.

    topic:
    You have received a letter from your brother Andy who is studying in America, telling you he has taken up motorbike racing as a hobby. Write a reply to him, explaining why you are worried about his new hobby. Try to persuade him to take up a different sport and give reasons for your recommendation.

    Dear(1) Andy,

    Hi! I know(2) you have been studying in America for a while. Are you getting used to life there? In the previous letter, you told me that you had found your interest there, which is motorbike racing. I am so glad that you finally discovered your hobby so you don’t need to be an indoorsman anymore. However, I think you should have a deep consideration about your new hobby.

    Firstly, I understand you fell in love with motorbike racing but I think that it is a quite risky activity for you to be part of. I have seen many cases in various newspapers showing plenty of motorbike racers being injured and even die during the racing competition. I am really worried about you if you do get involved in the hobby because I know you are an impetuous person. I still remember how serious you were when we were playing computer games together. I believe that you will take the same attitude and do anything you could to win when you are participating in racing matches. According to your “never lose” attitude, you will easily lose your mind once your opponent overtakes you in the racing games so you could thus get hurt easily. I don’t want to lose my brother(3) so please consider my advice for your personal safety!

    Besides, you need to spend too much money for this hobby. Racing needs many professional skills so I believe that you have to take many racing classes to learn or enhance the skills required regularly, such as the skill(4) of balance and the controlling of motorbikes. These classes are usually expensive so joining these unaffordable classes would consume all your money and even your savings. In addition, not only do you need to get a driving license, but you also need to purchase costly motorbike components like engines and wheels in order to set up your own perfect motorbike[???](5). As you are just a student, you could not afford these equipment definitely, not to mention the maintenance fee and the ever-increasing oil prices.

    Apart from this, motor racing is a time-consuming interest which could affect your learning. As a student, I think your first mission is to focus on academic aspects rather than playing with motorbikes. If you choose to take part in this hobby, you will have to spend so much time in preparing racing matches, studying motorbike skills and training everyday and, thus, will hardly have time to focus on learning and even daily homework. Moreover, you are not a rich guy. Our(6) parents are working very hard to earn money for our daily expenses. As a student, you should try harder for your studies and get the best academic performance to repay your parents.

    I am not meaning that you can't have a hobby you like, but you should find a hobby that is more appreciated like swimming. Swimming is a popular exercise in USA as well. There were so many international competitions which are exciting like racing matches among the world. Swimming is not only a safer activity, but also good for your health and cheaper than motorbike racing. I’m a fan of swimming so I really want to have a chance to enjoy this hobby with you.

    Andy, I hope you understand my concerns and please reconsider your choice. I hope you can change your hobby and take part in costless and safe interests such as swimming instead of motorbike(7) racing for your own good.


    Take care,
    Chris Wong
    Notes!
    1. It's the way to start of a letter.
    2. Just plainly saying "You have been..." would imply to Andy that you seem to be blaming him for studying in America and the first thought that came to me was stalking.
    3. He's supposed to be your brother! Act like he is.
    4. Balancing is a skill, not a method.
    5. Correct me if I'm wrong, I thought that one just needs to order a motorbike and that's that. A motorbike would come with engines and wheels.
    6. You are siblings! Your parents are the same!
    7. There are different types of racing such as swimming and running.

  2. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 9

    We can't correct assignments you will submit to your teacher.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  3. Vincen't Wong's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    We can't correct assignments you will submit to your teacher.
    It is not a assignment, i am going to take IELTs soon so i wanna practise more.
    English learner

  4. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 9

    Don't use "wanna."
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  5. Vincen't Wong's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 9

    Quote Originally Posted by +Technist Warp- View Post
    Notes!
    1. It's the way to start of a letter.
    2. Just plainly saying "You have been..." would imply to Andy that you seem to be blaming him for studying in America and the first thought that came to me was stalking.
    3. He's supposed to be your brother! Act like he is.
    4. Balancing is a skill, not a method.
    5. Correct me if I'm wrong, I thought that one just needs to order a motorbike and that's that. A motorbike would come with engines and wheels.
    6. You are siblings! Your parents are the same!
    7. There are different types of racing such as swimming and running.
    Thanks to your advice,
    2. You are right! I was laughing so hard when I saw your comment. Could I change it to” someone told me that/ I heard that you have been….
    English learner

  6. Vincen't Wong's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Vincen't Wong View Post
    Thanks to your advice,
    2. You are right! I was laughing so hard when I saw your comment. Could I change it to” someone told me that/ I heard that you have been….
    There is one more question i want to ask. "the controlling of motorbikes", why couldn't i use "control"?
    English learner

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    #8

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Vincen't Wong View Post
    There is one more question i want to ask. "the controlling of motorbikes", why couldn't i use "control"?
    You could use:

    the skills of balance and control of motorbikes
    or
    the skills of balance and control while riding motorbikes
    or
    the skills of balancing and controlling of motorbikes

    not a teacher

  7. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: could anyone help me to check my writing ? 9

    Why would someone have to tell you that he's been studying in America?

    I disgaree that "you've been studying" suggests you find fault or are blaming him.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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