Student or Learner
My teacher is not a native speaker, and neither am I. But she told me to use simpler language that "suit my age" (15) and that I should use words that are more precise. Please tell me why she said that, and if it's right or not. Worth mentioning is that she didn't recognize some words.
The topic was about zoos
Some argue that the breeding programmes that zoos offer are exorbitant with minimal results, but such an educated assumption is unwarranted and definitely short-sighted. Given that captive breeding is one of the very pragmatic methods of stopping the animals in jeopardy from ultimately dying out, it would be insurmountably unwise to look at the expenses- as the existence of such animals is invaluable. Is there any other way? Should we just send these animals back to the wild and let poachers pillage their habitats and skin them alive. Feel free to make any corrections
As an example, let's look at your use the word "exorbitant" in the first sentence of your essay. You cannot use "exorbitant" by itself. You have to tie it to the word it describes, and I think that in this case you mean "exorbitantly expensive". If you think that some of your readers might not understand "exorbitantly", then why not use "very" or "extremely"? Similarly, "educated assumption" sounds impressive - but what does it mean in this case? If some people are arguing that zoo breeding programmes are not effective for the money they cost, then they are not necessarily "assuming" anything; they may know all the same facts as you, but are simply coming to a different conclusion. Even if it was correct to use "assumption" in this case, your use of "educated" does not help your argument, as it implies that the assumption is probably correct.
I have highlighted the words that your teacher probably meant, and I offer the following re-write in a simpler - but (hopefully) no less compelling - style.
Some people consider that zoos' breeding programmes are extremely expensive and give poor results, but such arguments are flawed and short-sighted. Captive breeding is one of the most straightforward and reliable methods of stopping some animals in danger from ultimately dying out. It would be wrong to judge these programmes' value according to their cost alone, as the existence of such animals is invaluable. Is there any other way to save them? Or should we just send these zoo animals back to the wild, and let poachers trap and kill them, skinning some alive and spoiling more and more of their surroundings?
I think you write very well. Good luck with the rest of your studies!
I'm not a teacher of English, but I have spoken it for (almost) all of my life....
Grumpy, you are right. I let "exorbitant" get by me. (It doesn't make any sense there. You can't, in my opinion, have an exorbitant breeding program.)
Perhaps unwarranted assumption would work there.