Results 1 to 5 of 5
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Oman
      • Current Location:
      • Oman

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 29
    #1

    Teacher says I overused commas

    That's the script:
    There is no shortage of hyperbole when some parents try to depict computer games in an unfavorable light by claiming that they are insurmountably addictive, but pretty much anything could be over done, and that includes spending money on recreational activities . Computer games, on the other hand, provide countless hours of sensory stimulation for next to nothing; a game like Counter-Strike could grant a bare minimum of 200 hours of entertainment for just $15. By comparison, you would spend double that amount on a single yoga session. Not to mention, video games provide a safe outlet for aggressive and angry feelings.
    Her comments:
    1- Many commas should be omitted
    2- Fragmented paragraph, needs to be restructured
    3- Highlighted sentence is redundant
    Can anyone please show me the "good version" of this sentence? Are her comments valid?

    She's not a native speaker.

  1. teechar's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 6,180
    #2

    Re: Teacher says I overused commas

    I don't agree with 1 and 3.
    As for 2, is this a body paragraph from an essay?

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Oman
      • Current Location:
      • Oman

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 29
    #3

    Re: Teacher says I overused commas

    It was an essay and 2 is a body paragraph yes, but I think my teacher is treating me unjustly by giving me a poor mark and using these remarks as a justification. I honestly think that this is the best way to combine these ideas, but my teacher has other views :S
    EDIT: This is more of a practice exercise and there is no important grade on it. I am an IGCSE student, so every single mark I get is on the end of year exam, and not such practice exercises. I am not a cheater.

  2. bhaisahab's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • Ireland

    • Join Date: Apr 2008
    • Posts: 25,626
    #4

    Re: Teacher says I overused commas

    The highlighted sentence is fine and is not redundant in the context of what you have posted.

  3. teechar's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 6,180
    #5

    Re: Teacher says I overused commas

    Quote Originally Posted by Zkiller View Post
    Not to mention, video games provide a safe outlet for aggressive and angry feelings.
    In addition, video games provide a safe outlet for aggressive and angry feelings.

Similar Threads

  1. [Essay] agree or diagree : A student must like a teacher in order to earn from the teacher
    By ellenoctavia in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 08-Jul-2014, 14:07
  2. Replies: 0
    Last Post: 08-Jul-2014, 09:53
  3. Is "in" overused ?
    By hanky in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 19-Jul-2010, 11:12
  4. Replies: 1
    Last Post: 23-Jul-2006, 07:17
  5. ESL Teacher Kathy Mellor Named as Teacher of the Year
    By Red5 in forum General Language Discussions
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 22-Apr-2004, 00:15

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •