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  1. Newbie
    Student or Learner
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      • Native Language:
      • French
      • Home Country:
      • France
      • Current Location:
      • France

    • Join Date: Mar 2015
    • Posts: 1

    Please, can you correct a motivation letter for university ?

    I am applying for a business school in Netherlands, however this is highly selective and I am not a native English speaker. Could you please, tell me what is wrong in my letter in a grammatical point or what is not clear.

    The instructions :

    You should include the following: details of your international background or experience (if applicable); your reasons for applying to an international, English-language business programme (IBA), your reasons for applying to Rotterdam School of Management, Erasmus University (RSM) and your future career plans.

    Dear Sir or Madam,

    I write you this letter in order to express you the high interest I give to the International Business Administration lavished by the Rotterdam School of Management

    My name is XX, I'm 17 years old and I was born and raised in a farm, in X. Even though this tiny and quiet village located in the North of France may present all the characteristics of its like, there was always something that I loved there, his location in the Franco-Belgian border. I have always been amazed by all these differences made by this simple border, first the different languages spoken, whether French or Dutch.
    Undeniably, I always felt this attraction for the unknown and different way of life, whereas I was only 4 years old I well remember this moment where I was preparing my luggage to take off for Australia because of my kangaroos' attraction, unfortunately I have been quickly stopped by my parents.

    Later, my Latin classes permitted me a few years after to have my first trip abroad in Italy for a week.

    After this first experience, I had the chance to be placed in a Spanish family thanks to my school when I was 13 years old. There, I have definitely confirmed my interest for foreign experiences thanks to the discovery of the Barcelonan daily life. Nevertheless Barcelona was not only the place of dubbing for my foreign attracting but as well the sunrise of my interest for economics and international socials issues. Indeed, there was an important protest organised by government's opponents because of the economic crisis which was raging in Spain and which is still doing at the moment. Therefore, I started to wonder how we may find an outcome to such a situation, touching all the parts of the Spanish society, even bothering our host, and this definitely marked the social damages brought by the crisis.

    One year later, after have joined the "European section" class permitting to improve English, I have been given the chance to participate to another school trip in Dublin, Ireland. This implying the discovery of the local culture, meeting and talking daily with our family hosts, exchanging our stories and all of these in English was another wonderful experience.
    Finally, last year, I had a trip in London for my cousin's Hindu wedding which was a new amazing cultural experience. Furthermore, my parents also asked me to plan the trip, which was pretty interesting and really participated to the awakening of an appetence for the managing's field because of how interesting and complex it was to coordinate 3 different arrivals, find an hostel at the perfect location and find the means to move in the city but mainly how to make these factors the most convenient for a price as low as possible.

    For the reasons I mentioned higher, I have been interested by business and economics on one hand. On the other hand, when I was 14 years old I had to realize an internship in a company of my choice for school. I have chosen to realize it in a French bank, the Crédit Mutuel. This experience was absolutely interesting because I have discovered the social aspect that bankers had by helping people to master their budgets so as they are not putted in financial difficulties anymore or also by helping to realize the project of their lives as become owners of their house or to realize the wedding of their dreams. In addition, I like to do some trading simulations and I enjoyed to see that my initial capital was increased by 25% in 3 months.

    This way, I would like to be an outstanding financial adviser permitting that companies I would help could get out of bad situations and then, help the society to get out of social troubles because the people recruited by those companies would be given a work and a wage.

    Someday I remember to have been asked by an Australian what was I going to make of my life and I have answered that I was hesitating whether by studying languages or management and I clearly remember she asked me the reason why I would not combine each other and directly I had a real brain wave at this time, she was absolutely wright. Unfortunately programs given in France were not sufficient, whether by only offering a minority of classes in foreign languages or by having a relatively low quality price ratio. Therefore, I decided to give a look at what the "unknown" and "foreign" that I have always cherished could give me. After a first look at British programs I remember to have been looking what did value some of them in various rankings and I was surprised to see a Dutch business school ranked within the top European ones and I definitely decided to focus on it. Thus, I discovered that this school, the Rotterdam School of Management, was providing highly internationalized classes with 60% of students coming from abroad and an incredible diversity of origins. Last year a new mathematics teacher arrived at school coming from Macedonia, and even though he was well known by my classmates to be very strict, I loved this first touch with something unknown and other ways to explain and this capacity he had to get our intentions. Moreover, I am looking forward to see what may create me, a farmers' son having lived in the French countryside, with a life so close to the reality and the nature with people who were living in the biggest cities of Europe and overseas.
    And this can only be good. Indeed, if the recipe to mix 2 points of view differing because of our roots, as the ones about my scholar orientation permitted me to find the perfect deal, how such a process could not help us to find the perfect outcome for the troubles of our world?

    Yours sincerly

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
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      • UK

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 44,302

    Re: Please, can you correct a motivation letter for university ?

    Without reading any further, I can certainly tell you that you need to find an alternative to "lavished" in your opening sentence.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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