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    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Saudi Arabia
      • Current Location:
      • Saudi Arabia

    • Join Date: Apr 2015
    • Posts: 3
    #1

    Please review my statement of purpose

    Good day all

    I am writing to you to request your help reviewing my statement of purpose that I have been working on for a long time.

    I'll be thankful to you if you correct all my grammar and spelling mistakes. I actually want it to be a very strong letter.

    -------START FROM HERE--------

    From an early age I have been fascinated by technologies in general and computers in particular. The way computers work has let me to develop a keen interest in computer software and applications. My deep interest in computer software has been attracted by how computer applications solve complex problems and how they apply the concept of logical reasoning. Therefore, my enthusiasm for software development has motivated me to continue my higher education in the field of Computer Science to gain the skills that help me to start a successful career in the software industry.
    Throughout my Bachelor's Degree, I have been involved in various interesting and challenging software development projects which include internal projects for the university and external projects for a number of companies and governmental organizations. This ,of course, helped me to develop a deep knowledge in software development mechanisms and has developed my skills in databases systems and many programing languages such as Java, VB.NET, etc. Moreover, my interest in computer programing has motivated me to extend my knowledge in web development by learning HTML, PHP and JavaScript using some online resources. My skills in Internet programing has given me the opportunity to develop a web application for my father’s company that was a good chance to implement what I have learned.
    However, after I finished my bachelor's degree, I have been officially awarded a scholarship from the Ministry of Higher Education to complete the master’s degree of Computer Science in Canada. The program inspired me for it is a rich blend of several modern subjects such as Semantic Web, Cloud Computing, etc. which enriched my experience and skills and gave me the passion to be up to date with recent topics. Also, I have been given a change to participate in a programing competition that aimed to develop students’ coding skills and their algorithm analysis skills. This competition was a valuable opportunity to challenge our ability to effectively solve complicated problems in short amount of time.
    My career life started as a Software Engineer in an environmental company for about six months. I had been assigned in a team to develop an Environmental Projects Follow-up system and I worked specifically on the modeling and designing phase. I also worked as a lecturer teaching Database systems courses and Object-oriented languages courses. I found out that lecturing is the best way to impart the knowledge if it considers the two-ways communication and emphasizes on practical parts. Currently, I work as a trainee at the Institute of Public Administration (IPA) with the responsibility of providing training programs for governmental employees that are designed to develop their skills in the system analysis area and the programming area and insure that they are up-to-date with the latest developments in these areas.
    Since training is an on-going process, it is important to keep myself abreast of technological advances and changes in computing. Among the advanced topics that I must keep updated is Cloud Computing. Therefore, I have started exploring many different areas within the domain of Cloud Computing such as service models, private cloud, etc. Throughout my reading, I have been fascinated by the topic of big data in cloud since this topic is a fast-growing technology and is critical for enterprises over the globe. In order to understand this topic, I have started reading about the concepts and the techniques of Big Data by reading books and academic papers and also by watching online video courses. Then I have focused specifically on the techniques of processing big data in cloud environments.
    My sincerest desire is to pursue a Ph.D. degree in Computer Science in general and in Cloud Computing field in particular. I believe that seeking the PhD degree will enhance my research capabilities and motivate me to make a significant contribution to the Cloud Computing field. Furthermore, this degree will give me a chance to join dedicated teams where I can contribute effectively and expand my knowledge in the research field. I aim to be a pioneer in developing new technical solutions that will enhance business productivity while increasing efficiencies and reducing costs. Finally, I hope your admission committee will take a favorable decision regarding my admission to the Ph.D. program and I look forward to join the Computer Science Department at Sheffield University.

    -------END HERE--------
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 05-Apr-2015 at 17:07. Reason: Took "bold" off to make it easier to read.

  1. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jan 2009
    • Posts: 3,591
    #2

    Re: Please review my statement of purpose

    Quote Originally Posted by ordinary View Post
    Good day all

    I am writing to you to request your help reviewing my statement of purpose that I have been working on for a long time.

    I'll be thankful to you if you correct all my grammar and spelling mistakes. I actually want it to be a very strong letter.

    -------START FROM HERE--------

    From an early age I have been fascinated by technology in general and computers in particular. The way computers work has led me to develop a keen interest in computer software and applications. My deep interest in computer software has been inspired by how computer applications solve complex problems and how they are grounded in the concept of logical reasoning. My enthusiasm for software development has motivated me to continue my higher education in the field of computer science to gain the skills that will help me to start a successful career in the software industry.
    [space]
    Throughout my studies for my bachelor's degree, I have been involved in various interesting and challenging software development projects, including internal projects for the university and external projects for a number of companies and governmental organizations. This, of course, helped me to develop a deep knowledge in software development mechanisms and has increased my skills in database systems and many programming languages such as Java and VB.NET, etc.
    [space]
    Moreover, my interest in computer programming has motivated me to extend my knowledge in web development by learning HTML, PHP and JavaScript using some online resources. My skills in Internet programming has given me the opportunity to develop a web application for my father’s company, giving me a good chance to implement what I have learned.
    [space]
    However, after I earned my bachelor's degree, I was awarded a scholarship from the Ministry of Higher Education to complete the master’s degree program in computer science in Canada. The program inspired me. It is a rich blend of several modern subjects such as semantic web and cloud computing, etc, which enriched my experience and skills and gave me the passion to stay up to date with recent topics. Also, I was given a change to participate in a programming competition that aimed to develop students’ coding and algorithm analysis skills. This competition was a valuable opportunity. It challenged our ability to effectively solve complicated problems in short amount of time.
    [space]
    I started my career as a software engineer in an environmental company, where I worked for about six months. I was assigned to a team developing an environmental projects follow-up system, where I worked specifically on the modelling and design phase. I also worked as a lecturer teaching database systems courses and object-oriented languages courses. I found out that lecturing is the best way to impart the knowledge if it includes two-way communication and emphasizes on practical examples. Currently, I work as a trainee at the Institute of Public Administration (IPA), where I provide government employees training in system analysis area and the programming area and ensure that they are up-to-date with the latest developments in these areas.
    [space]
    Since training is an ongoing process, it is important to keep myself abreast of technological advances and changes in computing. Among them is cloud computing. Therefore, I have started exploring many different areas within the domain of cloud computing, such as service models and private clouds. Throughout my reading, I have been fascinated by the topic of big data in the cloud, since this topic is a fast-growing technology and is critical for enterprises all around the globe. In order to understand this topic, I have started reading about the concepts and the techniques of big data by reading books and academic papers and also by watching online video courses, focusing on the techniques of processing big data in cloud environments.
    [space]
    My sincere desire is to pursue a PhD degree in computer science in general and in cloud computing field in particular. I believe that seeking A PhD degree will enhance my research capabilities and enable me to make a significant contribution to the cloud computing field. Furthermore, this degree will give me a chance to join dedicated teams where I can contribute effectively and expand my knowledge in the research field. I aim to be a pioneer in developing new technical solutions that will enhance business productivity while increasing efficiencies and reducing costs. Finally, I hope your admission committee will admit me to the Ph.D. program. and I look forward to joining the Computer Science Department at Sheffield University.

    -------END HERE--------
    This is a difficult piece of writing. You did well!

    Some comments:

    1. Never use these, even though other people do:

    - etc.
    - and/or
    - &

    When you say "such as," "including," "like," or "for example," saying "etc." is not needed because you've already made clear that the list is not complete.

    2. Capital letters are only for:

    - the first word of a sentence
    - a proper noun
    - initials

    3. Avoid adjectives that don't add meaning. That's another bad habit. For example, "contribute" and "contribute effectively" mean the same thing. How could you contribute ineffectively?

    I hope that helps. Good luck getting into Sheffield!
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 05-Apr-2015 at 17:14. Reason: Took the main piece out of "bold" so the red bold corrections are more clear.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Saudi Arabia
      • Current Location:
      • Saudi Arabia

    • Join Date: Apr 2015
    • Posts: 3
    #3

    Re: Please review my statement of purpose

    Great thanks to you Charlie. Your help is appreciated.

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