[General] Need help with creative sentences for a short story

[Partyfizz]

Dear Forum members,

I'm currently working on an animation video in which I want to tell a fairytale from a new perspective. It is a meshup of different fairytales, but seen from a dark point of view. I have already written a story but English isn't my native language. Therefore I would love to see some re-writing from my own text to make it stand out a little bit more. It would be very much appreciated! Below you'll find the text.

I really hope you can help me out!



Once upon a time..

Once upon a time there was an evil queen named Queen Grimmhilde the Red.

She was happily married with a …. Until he decides to cheat on her with a peasant wife and made her pregnant. The evil queen was furies and put a curse on the woman. At the time she gave birth to her daughter she died and left her child alone with her father who named her Snow white.

When she grew older her dad told her what happened. Snow white wanted to take revenge on Grimmhilde and thought of a ruse.



Mirror mirror on the wall who is the most ruthless of them all?
- Even though your heart is filled with disgust “snow white” will come looking for you. And use someone against you, someone you trust.

Shocked by this answer she ordered her servants to kill “snow white”.
- Kill her! And bring her to me. Dead or alive and you my servant will be set free.



Rumors spread that Grimmhilde the Red had one weakness.. There was just one person left in this world whom she loved and that was her ill mother. She visited her three times a week.

“Snow white” knew this was the Queens’ weak spot and went to the dark forest where Grimmhildes mother lived.

- *knock knock* Who is there?
o It’s me your daughter said “Snow White”
- Oh yes my dear please come in

“Snow White” kills Grimmhildes mother and put her clothes on and lay down in bed



A few moments later Grimmhilde walks up to the house
- *knock knock* Who is there?
o It’s me your daughter said Grimmhilde the Red
- Oh yes my dear, please come in



- But mother why do you have such pale skin?
o I just don’t feel too well today my child
- And why do you have such red lips mother?
o That’s because **NEED SOME REASON HERE** Said “Snow White”
- And why do you have an apple under your blanket?
o Come closer child and see for yourself..

“Snow white stabs Grimmhilde in her heart”



You should have let my mother live happily ever after..

 

[emsr2d2]

1. It's a "mashup", not a "meshup".
2. What are you going to do with your video once it's finished?

 

[Partyfizz]

Thanks for the reply.
It is a school assignement for my minor. Once it's finished I will present it to my class and teachers and after that I will put it in my personal portfolio and as well put it onto YouTube for people who are interested in fairy tales and/or animation video's.

 

[emsr2d2]

Will it be graded? And when is it due?

 

[Partyfizz]

Will it be graded? And when is it due?

Yes it will be graded. It is due over a couple of weeks, but I want to make it a voice-over text so I need time to record it and also the timing of the animation depends on the voice over.

edit : My teacher suggested to look for someone who could help me improve my text.

 

[emsr2d2]

No matter what your teacher suggested, we do not and will not help with homework/assignments or anything which will be graded. In our view, you should do your own work. Good luck. Come back and let us know how it went.