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    #1

    Please take a look at these essay extraxts

    Hello!
    I would be really thankful if somebody read through these selected sentences from an essay. The essay can be found here http://www.srednja.hr/Photos/Razno/P...KI%20JEZIK.pdf , so it's not a homework. It's an example given by a student and it was rated 100% on the Matura exam in Croatia. The problem is that there are some errors (only IMHO), so please check it and correct if needed.



    To begin with the good sides, 18-year-olds form a more rellevant publicopinion by voting at this age. I don't get the meaning of this sentence.

    Furthermore, voting, which is kind of a civil obligation, stimulates aserious implementation in social events. Should we put an a between is and kind?

    Although one could be immature at 18, voting leadshim/her to crucially important contemplation that he/she is the one who, eventually, decidesabout the future of his country. Contemplation seems inappropriate to me, I would replace it with thought or revelation for instance.

    We all have witnessed fine examples of those who hadchanged their political attitude becoming more aware of political happenings which, also,refer to them. We have all witnessed; the end of the sentence is odd

    On the other hand, opposers to this theory emphasise that 18-year-olds aresimply not capable of being rational about voting. Isn't opposers of the right construction?

    According to various psychological studies, people are,approximately, far more mature at their twenties. In their twenties

    In spite of this, these parties maycome out to be the wrong ones because of their incapability to act as promised, while themore rational adults will choose serious parties, rather than 18-year-olds. Unnecessary comma (parties rather)

    Taught by personal example, my modest opinion is that the aging vote should bemoved to 21 because the main mission of the young is to develop the country by studying andhard-working habits while the adults are there to elect. Apart from not agreeing with the conclusion , two things stick out to me: "Taught by my ? personal example", and what does aging vote mean?

    Do you agree with my remarks?
    Dear folks, I am an ESL student so don't ever hesitate to correct me, even the slightest details!

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    #2

    Re: Please take a look at these essay extraxts

    To begin with the good sides, 18-year-olds form a more relevant public opinion by voting at this age. I don't get the meaning of this sentence.
    Good sides are the advantages. "Relevant" can mean anything. It probably means the 18-year-olds enable a broader cross-section of the population to be represented.

    Furthermore, voting, which is a kind of a civil obligation, stimulates a serious implementation in social events. Should we put an a between is and kind? Yes, but the underlined expression is odd

    Although one could be immature at 18, voting leads him/her to crucially important contemplation that he/she is the one who, eventually, decides about the future of his country.
    Contemplation seems inappropriate to me, I would replace it with thought or revelation for instance.
    "Immature" should be changed to "not mature enough". Contemplation which means to consider something carefully and deeply works for me.

    We all have witnessed fine examples of those (the 18-year-olds?) who had changed their political attitudes becoming and became more aware of political happenings. which, also,refer to them. We have all witnessed; the end of the sentence is odd

    On the other hand, opposers to this theory emphasise that 18-year-olds are simply not capable of being rational about voting. Isn't opposers of the right construction? Opposers, the people who oppose, is fine.

    According to various psychological studies, people are,approximately, far more mature at their twenties. In their twenties. "Approximately" does not fit.

    In spite of this, these parties may come out (turn out?) to be the wrong ones because of their incapability to act (deliver) as promised, while the more rational adults will (would) choose serious parties, rather than 18-year-olds. Unnecessary comma (parties rather)

    Taught by personal example (From my personal experience), my modest opinion is that the aging vote(voting age) should be moved (raised) to 21 because the main mission of the young is to develop the country by studying and hard-working habits (working hard) while the adults are there to elect. Apart from not agreeing with the conclusion , two things stick out to me: "Taught by my ? personal example", and what does aging vote mean?

    not a teacher


  1. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Please take a look at these essay extraxts

    Quote Originally Posted by Fear not, only believe View Post
    Hello!
    I would be really thankful if somebody read through these selected sentences from an essay. The essay can be found here http://www.srednja.hr/Photos/Razno/P...KI%20JEZIK.pdf , so it's not a homework. It's an example given by a student and it was rated 100% on the Matura exam in Croatia. The problem is that there are some errors (only IMHO), so please check it and correct if needed.



    To begin with the good sides, 18-year-olds form a more rellevant public opinion by voting at this age. I don't get the meaning of this sentence. I don't, either. And relevant is misspelled.

    Furthermore, voting, which is kind of a civil obligation, stimulates a serious implementation in social events. Should we put an a between is and kind? Yes. And "implementation" makes no sense.

    Although one could be immature at 18, voting leads him/her to crucially important contemplation that he/she is the one who, eventually, decides about the future of his country. Contemplation seems inappropriate to me, I would replace it with thought or revelation for instance. You're right. The writer favors big, inaccurate words over small, accurate words. And using slashes that way (he/she and him/her) is poor writing.

    We all have witnessed fine examples of those who had changed their political attitude becoming more aware of political happenings which, also, refer to them. We have all witnessed; the end of the sentence is odd. A better ending would be "affect them." Refer makes no sense. The commas are also out of control in this sentence.

    On the other hand, opposers to this theory emphasise that 18-year-olds are simply not capable of being rational about voting. Isn't opposers of the right construction? Yes. the writer mixed together opponents of this theory and those opposed to this theory.

    According to various psychological studies, people are, approximately, far more mature at their twenties. In their twenties. Right again. And approximately makes no sense in this sentence. It's just another big word the writer threw in so sound smart. And - they're more mature in their twenties than...when? The thought is incomplete.

    In spite of this, these parties may come out to be the wrong ones because of their incapability to act as promised, while the more rational adults will choose serious parties, rather than 18-year-olds. Unnecessary comma (parties rather). Yes. But the whole sentence is a mess. They may come out to be the wrong ones? The wrong ones for what? And who promised that they'd act how? And I think the writer meant inability, not incapability. And - adults will choose serious parties rather than choosing 18-year-olds. That's not what the writer means, but it's what it said.

    Taught by personal example, my modest opinion is that the aging vote should be moved to 21 because the main mission of the young is to develop the country by studying and hard-working habits while the adults are there to elect. Apart from not agreeing with the conclusion , two things stick out to me: "Taught by my ? personal example", and what does aging vote mean? Example should be experience. And aging vote should be voting age. The last part, beginning with "by studying" needs to be entirely rewritten.

    Do you agree with my remarks?
    Yes. The writer was clearly a student who has learned a lot, is trying hard, and still has a lot more to learn. So I don't fault the writer. But the idea that the paper scored 100% suggests that the teacher was either incompetent, threatened, or bribed.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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    #4

    Re: Please take a look at these essay extraxts

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    Yes. The writer was clearly a student who has learned a lot, is trying hard, and still has a lot more to learn. So I don't fault the writer. But the idea that the paper scored 100% suggests that the teacher was either incompetent, threatened, or bribed.
    Thank you (and tedmc as well) very much!
    I also got the impression that the author was trying to present himself in a good light by using "big", "complicated" words which didn't really fit in. He even suggested that one should start almost every sentence with some linker/conjunction (moreover, however, on the other side etc.)?! My personal opinion is that it's better to stick to words and structures you're familiar with, even thought they may be somewhat simple. Nevertheless, I'm a bit scared now, as it seems to me that those who correct students' essay in the Matura exam prefer showcasing over soundness.

    I know for sure that I am not able to write an essay with such a wide vocabulary range, but I believe I can produce a text with less grammatical/structural mistakes.
    So, when I get my essay in Monday (after my teacher corrects it), I will post it here with hope that someone will take a little time and give their opinion of it.

    P.S. I misspelled "extracts" in the thread title
    Last edited by Fear not, only believe; 24-Apr-2015 at 21:20.
    Dear folks, I am an ESL student so don't ever hesitate to correct me, even the slightest details!

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    #5

    Re: Please take a look at these essay extraxts

    So, here it is. My teacher graded all the categories (Vocabulary, Grammar, Cohesion and Coherence and Task completion) with 5 (A in English), but I think she graded it rather laxly, plus she had to read 32 other essays only from my class, let alone from the other ones.

    Could someone please read it and give their opinion (whether the sentences are too simple or there are some odd ones, and so on)?
    Below are my teacher's remarks. Do you agree with them, or would you add some of your own?


    Many people say that twenty years from now the world will be a better place to live. Many others disagree.


    Our world is changing at a faster rate than it has ever before. New technologies arise almost on a daily basis. Are there more positive or negative sides to that? What does the near future bring us?

    On the one hand, there are many who look brightly into the future. People will live longer, they say, and the overall healthcare system will improve. Thus, many people who suffer from incurable diseases will be given a new hope and medical treatment, as new technologies will be produced. Moreover, many welcome the advance in technology, for example smartphones, smart watches and similar gadgets. They enable ever-faster communication and people are eager to see what the tech-industry has to offer them.

    There are, however
    1
    , some who are skeptical about the world's future. An argument which they point out is that the world is in danger of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons. Today, it is easier than ever before to kill a large number of people at a time. It has become an easy matter to pollute the2 springs with poisons or to destroy entire cities with a bomb. In addition to that, there is a feeling among some that the morality of people is constantly decreasing3, which will only continue in the future. Strong language, explicite4 images and videos all contribute to the lowering of moral standards.

    In conclusion, it can be said that near future is a double-edged sword. While there will certainly be some improvements in the quality of life, I am personally afraid that the5 humanity has become so deluded by the6 greed and power that it will become a threat to itself.


    1- However, there are - I think my word order was right as well
    2- without "the"
    3 - constantly decreases, but present continuous is also possible
    4 - explicit
    5, 6 - without the
    Dear folks, I am an ESL student so don't ever hesitate to correct me, even the slightest details!

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