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    #1

    Please review my narrative essay for errors

    The day I met Sarah is one I will never forget. Working as an environmentalist lawyer for a small firm in Pennsylvania, I come across a lot of cases; Sarah’s was one that moved me more than any other. I remember when I met her; it was about a year ago to this day. The morning’s fog was ever-present, and the scent of rain and earth filled the air of the street corner overlooking my office trailer. Sitting in my rustic leather chair blowing the steam off from atop of my coffee cup, I slowly sipped it while I rifled my fingers though a few environmental case documents.
    Suddenly, I saw something out of the corner of eye. I turned my head and glanced out my hazy window to see an obscured figure furiously moving throughout the fog. Steadily I laid my papers upon my desk as I leaned my creaky chair forward to get a closer look. I could now tell it was a girl, anywhere from 10-12 years old in a pink sundress peddling her bicycle. As she made her way to my office she entered the now muddy yard. She fiercely tossed her bike to the ground that produced a loud thud, and then she began heading towards my office door. Her footsteps were quick and direct as she sloshed her feet through the mud. Soon I heard a thundering knock at my door “BANG!...BANG!...BANG!”.
    “Come in,” I said. As the door quickly opened, a tearful and distressed face appeared before me. Droplets of tears and rain from her damp red hair pitter-pattered the floor beneath her.

    In an uneasy and shaky tone she said to me, “Mr. Dreicer, please help me…I don’t know where else to go…I think my friend got sick because of this nasty pond we went to, but no one knows anything about it.”
    What she began to tell me would change my life forever. I told her to sit down and tell me exactly what happened.
    “Mr. Dreicer,” she said in a trembling tone, “I am scared to even talk about what happened…that terrible pond made Sammy sick….and…and…she means more to me than anything…”
    I asked her “Who is Sammy?” Her eyes began to crinkle; she told me Sammy was her best friend who had fallen violently ill after swimming. To reassure her I said “Sarah, don’t worry, we will get to the bottom of this but first you must tell me how this all happened”.
    I passed Sarah a bottle of water and after a few sips she calmed down. With a glimmer of hope in her eyes she said, softly under her breath “Ok…for Sammy”. She took a gasp of air and told me, “The day started out like any other. It was last Saturday and that meant me and Sammy were allowed to hang out for the entire afternoon. I was waitin’ for her on a bench on the side of my street. Then all the sudden a smelly old pickup drove by me and left a bunch of white smoke and dust. When I swatted away the smoke with hands I could see Sammy in the distance.”
    At the moment Sarah said Sammy’s name a wide smile went across her face. She then told me, “She was wearin’ her trusty blue overalls and her favorite Phillies hat, backwards of course! She was blazin’ towards me like lightening! Her bike was tearin’ up the ground! I even heard the rocks crumblin’ louder and louder as she got closer. Then Sarah put on the brakes super close to me, and her back wheel lifted up off the ground! She had to catch her breath and when she did she told me ‘I’ve found it, Sarah! A new swimming spot!’ Sammy had one foot on the ground and her other was movin’ round the peddle. She was very excited and told me, ‘Let’s go, there’s no time to waste!’ So I grabbed my bike from behind the bench and Sammy and me were off.”
    “Where did you two go?” I asked.
    “I don’t know,” she replied “because I followed Sammy most of the way there. We passed over this small creepy bridge though. It had grass growing out the rocks it was made of, and our bikes were rumblin’ as we rode over it.”
    I needed a better idea of the location; I then asked her “Did you see anything unusual as you headed to this pond?”.
    “Not really,” she replied, “just some signs about fraa…facking?”
    As I thought about what she had just said, sunlight began enter into my office. And then I asked her what else happened?
    An uneven ground from fracking….
    She said, “Something strange happened when me and Sammy when reached atop this steep green hill. She turned her head back at me and smiled as she swooshed down. I followed her, we bobbed up and down and that’s when I saw these strange pipes poking out of the ground.”
    “Sarah,” I asked, “what else can you tell me about those pipe?”
    “Smoke or something was coming out of them and they smelled funny too, like rotten-eggs or my dad’s cooking.”
    I was starting to make connections here, but I still needed more information. “How far away was the pond from the pipes you saw?” I asked.
    “Not too far away from pond but we went through the forest first.”
    “A forest?” I asked.
    “Ya, Sammy told me to get to the pond we hadda walk into this dark forest first. When we got there it looked so pretty; there were flowers on the ground and they smelled so sweet but then everything got scary. Sammy and me placed our bikes on the ground and tiptoed steadily into the forest.”

    Thank you

  1. Raymott's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please review my narrative essay for errors

    Is this homework? We can't help with that.

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    #3

    Re: Please review my narrative essay for errors

    Quote Originally Posted by Raymott View Post
    Is this homework? We can't help with that.
    If I could just have some pointers or a crique of the writing that would be great.

  2. Raymott's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Please review my narrative essay for errors

    Sure it would. But your teacher will mark it. If you disagree with anything s/he marks, you can ask us here.
    One error sticks out like a sore thumb to me - the incorrect 4-dot ellipsis after 'sick'. But I shouldn't even be telling you that.

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    #5

    Re: Please review my narrative essay for errors

    Quote Originally Posted by Raymott View Post
    Sure it would. But your teacher will mark it. If you disagree with anything s/he marks, you can ask us here.
    One error sticks out like a sore thumb to me - the incorrect 4-dot ellipsis after 'sick'. But I shouldn't even be telling you that.

    I appreciate it! Just a second pair of eyes on this helps. I was using the ellipses too much, I see that now. I don't need anyone to write my paper I just want to know what parts could use revision.

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    #6

    Re: Please review my narrative essay for errors

    Yes, and so would hundreds of thousands of others if they found out that a free and very competent homework checking service was available. That is only one reason why we have to say no.
    Will you be citing on your paper all the contributors who have given you help so far?

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