[Essay] Essay review

[prono]

Hello everyone,

I am taking a Cambridge English exam soon and am practising my writing skills. I was hoping to get some feedback on a short essay I wrote. Would like to know how good/bad it is, what are the mistakes I have made and what I have to work on... Thank you for your time.

Instructions for the assignment:

Your class has watched a round-table discussion about what young people can learn from older generations. You have made the notes below:

Areas where young people could learn from older generations

• work
• relationship
• money

Write an essay discussing two of your areas in your notes. You should explain in which area young people could gain most from older generations, giving reasons in support of your answer.

My essay:

The older generation has a lot more life experiences compared to the younger generation and is therefore able to offer sound advice to young adults.

In the area of work the older generation can share the experiences they had working at a certain job, and describe its advantages as well as disadvantages. This makes it easier for someone entering the job market for the first time to decide whether a career in a desired field is really suited for them. Additionally, the older generation can also help with tips on which skill sets one must acquire in order to secure a dream job.

The wisdom that comes with age, can also be used to help the younger generation in the field of finance. Personal financial management is a skill not many young people possess. A sound advice on how to budget, save and invest is crucial to the quality of life of each independent individual. Especially at this time, when the credit card debt amongst young people is at its all time high.

Even though work is a big part of everyone’s life, I believe that young people can benefits the most by learning to properly manage their own money. To become truly independent, one must learn how to live within his means and not spend more that he earns. If failed to do so, it may have serious consequences on the quality of an individual's life.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

The older generation has a lot more life experience than [more natural, less wordy] the younger generation and is therefore able to offer sound advice to young adults.

In the area of work, older people [This is a logic issue. A generation can't share. Only people (of a generation) can share.] can share the experience [Singular. The word experience is somewhat idiomatic. The plural is okay, but it infers specific experiences. By dropping the S, your talking about old people's general, broad experience, which fits your meaning better.] they've had working at a certain job[STRIKE],[/STRIKE] and describe its advantages as well as disadvantages. This makes it easier for someone entering the job market for the first time to decide whether a career in a desired field is really suitable ["Suited for them" doesn't agree with the singular noun someone.]. Additionally, older people [The term "older generation" is getting tiresome.] can also help with tips on which skill sets one must acquire [STRIKE]in order[/STRIKE] [Unnecessary, wordy, adds nothing] to secure a dream job.

The wisdom that comes with age[STRIKE],[/STRIKE] [Your dependent clause turns the noun into a noun phrase. No comma.] can also be used to help [STRIKE]the younger generation[/STRIKE] young people in the field of finance. Personal financial management is a skill not many young people possess. Sound advice [If you want to keep the "A," say "A sound bit of advice" or "A sound piece of advice] on how to budget, save and invest is crucial to the quality of life of each independent individual, especially at this time, when the credit card debt among [Amongst sounds frilly and quaint.] young people is at its all time high. [An editor might let you capitalize the E for dramatic effect. But you're writing for a test, so it's better to just use a complete sentence there.]

Even though work is a big part of everyone’s life, I believe that young people can benefit the most by learning to properly manage their own money. To become truly independent, people must learn how to live within their [Use gender-neutral language for gender-neutral statements.] means and not spend more thatthey earn [Verb/noun agreement.]. Failing to do so may have serious consequences on the quality of an individual's life. [You needed a subject noun. I put in a gerund.]

You don't need hit us over the head with "older generation" and "younger generation." We get it.

Hope all that helps. Good luck with the the test. I think you'll ace it!

 

[prono]

You don't need hit us over the head with "older generation" and "younger generation." We get it.

Hope all that helps. Good luck with the the test. I think you'll ace it!

Thanks for your help Charlie. I really appreciate it. Looks like I have made quite a few mistakes.

I do have one more question. How would you rate the essay on a scale from 1 to 10 and also is it obvious that it was writen by non native English speaker?

Thanks again.