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    #1

    Please improve this paragraph for me. Thank for your time :)

    Should university be free to every one ?

    Firstly, letting university be free of charge for learners can lead to the financial burden on state governments. The authority have to take responsibility for paying lecturerís salaries as well as the costs of training programs. The annual expenditure can reach to hundreds of millions of dollars. Furthermore, in case university education are free to all people, there will be more and more school leavers attending to universities or colleges, as a result, the government may have to spend extra much more money building new universites and upgrading them to meet learnerís demand. Consequently, budget deficit caused by the educational policy could become a serious problem.

    In addition, the educational policy have a negative impact on individuals, especially university graduates. It is obvious that the policy definitely encourage more learners to pursue tertiary education due to non-tuition fees .And most of young people are not more unlikely to choose vocational education that major fields they are really good at. Another effect is that the more graduates university creates, the more competitiveness graduates face. The supply of this manpower can overwhelm its demand, so that numerous candidates would apply for just a job, leading the growing of unemployment rate among young graduates

  1. LanguageBoxCo's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please improve this paragraph for me. Thank for your time :)

    Well, few things just from the glance look I had.
    1. You can't start straight to the topic. You need to have some short introduction.
    2. If you say Firstly you need to have Secondly but it wasn't the case or I couldn't find it?
    3. Learners is not appropriate word for university students. It sounds a bit lighter than needed.
    4. Can "lead to financial burden". Omit "the".
    5. "Authority" is better to make it "Authorities".
    ...... somebody to keep on from here?

    --
    LanguageBox.co - Learn English Online
    Last edited by LanguageBoxCo; 25-May-2015 at 07:36.

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    #3

    Re: Please improve this paragraph for me. Thank for your time :)

    ***** NOT A TEACHER *****


    Hello, Ms. Dau:

    !. I do believe that most American teachers frown on the use of "Firstly." If you want to use that word, just say "First."

    2. I think that you may wish to review your use of tenses:

    a. "The authority have to ...." MAYBE: "The government will have to take ...."
    b. "The policy have a negative impact." MAYBE: "The policy will have a negative impact."
    c. "The policy definitely encourage ...." MAYBE: "Such a policy will definitely encourage ...."

    3. Some other points:

    a. "lecturer's" should be "lecturers'. "
    b. "can reach to hundreds" should be "could reach hundreds."
    c. "university education are" should be "university education is."

    4. You might want to start your essay with a first paragraph that consists of just one sentence. Something like: "A free university education for everyone would have many negative consequences."

    5. You might want to forget the word "First." Your essay seems to have only two main points: the financial burden on the government and the impact on individuals.

    a. Your second paragraph would explain the financial burden.
    b. Your third paragraph could, indeed, begin with "In addition, ...."

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Please improve this paragraph for me. Thank for your time :)

    When will you submit this essay to your teacher?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #5

    Re: Please improve this paragraph for me. Thank for your time :)

    Dear Emsr2d2
    I did it in preparation for IELS exam for myself

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    #6

    Re: Please improve this paragraph for me. Thank for your time :)

    Quote Originally Posted by LanguageBoxCo View Post
    Well, few things just from the glance look I had.
    1. You can't start straight to the topic. You need to have some short introduction.
    2. If you say Firstly you need to have Secondly but it wasn't the case or I couldn't find it?
    3. Learners is not appropriate word for university students. It sounds a bit lighter than needed.
    4. Can "lead to financial burden". Omit "the".
    5. "Authority" is better to make it "Authorities".
    ...... somebody to keep on from here?

    thank for your comment. I do really appreciate. hihi. I wrote the whole essay but just posting aparts

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    #7

    Re: Please improve this paragraph for me. Thank for your time :)

    Quote Originally Posted by TheParser View Post
    ***** NOT A TEACHER *****


    Hello, Ms. Dau:

    !. I do believe that most American teachers frown on the use of "Firstly." If you want to use that word, just say "First."

    2. I think that you may wish to review your use of tenses:

    a. "The authority have to ...." MAYBE: "The government will have to take ...."
    b. "The policy have a negative impact." MAYBE: "The policy will have a negative impact."
    c. "The policy definitely encourage ...." MAYBE: "Such a policy will definitely encourage ...."

    3. Some other points:

    a. "lecturer's" should be "lecturers'. "
    b. "can reach to hundreds" should be "could reach hundreds."
    c. "university education are" should be "university education is."

    4. You might want to start your essay with a first paragraph that consists of just one sentence. Something like: "A free university education for everyone would have many negative consequences."

    5. You might want to forget the word "First." Your essay seems to have only two main points: the financial burden on the government and the impact on individuals.

    a. Your second paragraph would explain the financial burden.
    b. Your third paragraph could, indeed, begin with "In addition, ...."
    thank for your time. I gain a lot from your feedback that is extremely useful. God bless you :)

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    #8

    Re: Please improve this paragraph for me. Thank for your time :)

    Here is the whole essay I wrote, however, I just posted aparts because of being afraid of the removal for religious reference from moderator. hihi


    Essay: University education should be free to everyone, regardless of income. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

    Some people argue that the governments should allow people to pursue tertiary education without paying tuition fees. However, I strongly disagree with this point of views because of several compelling reasons.

    First, letting university be free of charge for leaner’s can lead to financial burdens on state governments. Authorities will have to take responsibility for paying lecturers’ salaries as well as the costs of training programs. The annual expenditure could reach to hundreds of millions of dollars. Furthermore, in case university education are free to all people, there will be more and more school leavers attending to universities or colleges, as a result, the government may have to spend extra much more money building new university and upgrading them to meet learner’s demand. Consequently, budget deficit caused by the educational policy could become a serious problem.

    In addition, the educational policy would have a negative impact on individuals, especially university graduates. It is obvious that the policy would definitely encourage more learners to pursue tertiary education due to non-tuition fees .And most of young people are not more unlikely to choose vocational education that major fields they are really good at. Another effect is that the more graduates university creates, the more competitiveness graduates face. The supply of this manpower could overwhelm its demand, so that numerous candidates would apply for just a job, leading the growing of unemployment rate among young graduates

    In spite of argument above, opponents claim that society would become better and more affluent if the majority of citizens hold university degrees. However, it is a short-term of thinking, because whole of society has to pay the high price for the lack of manual workers such as cleaner, electricians, plumbers…

    In conclusion, it is true that tertiary education provides specialized knowledge in particular fields, which helps students to find well goods. In my view, it is ridiculous if the government have to pay all tuition fees for university learners.

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    #9

    Re: Please improve this paragraph for me. Thank for your time :)

    Quote Originally Posted by jenny dau View Post
    ​Thank for your comment. I do really appreciate it. hihi. (Meaningless) I wrote the whole essay but I am just posting aparts it in small parts.
    Quote Originally Posted by jenny dau View Post
    Thank for your time. I gain a lot from your feedback, that which is extremely useful. God bless you (Please avoid comments with religious overtones.) :) (Don't try to make your own emoticons. We have plenty to choose from under the button.)
    See above.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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