You need to structure your essay better than that.
You also should take a position in the introduction (whether you think that traditional music is more important than international music). Then you must use each of your body paragraphs to prove your position. Unfortunately, your second body paragraph doesn't do that!
Have a look at the link below, and click on the various sections in it (introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion) to learn how to structure an essay.
You can then re-write your essay, post it here again, and we'll have a look at it for you.
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