[Essay] Essay about music

[mintmint16]

Hi everybody, I'm a new learner of IELTS, this is my first essay. I need comments and corrections of you guys for my essay, please let me know if there's anything I need to avoid in an essay
Thank you so much!

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TASK QUESTION: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Music is a gift from God. We listen to music when we are sad, tired or even when we are happy. Just listen to music and see how it works afterwards. It is like magic as it brings us many benefits. Healing, refreshing or brain training for instance.

People nowadays have more choice of what music they will listen to since the mass media has developed rapidly. While adults tend to have more interest in traditional or classical music, modern teenagers now prefer International music such as rap, pop or electronic music. It doesn't matter what music they listen to, however, I strongly believe that traditional music is much more important and we should pay more attention to it. Traditional or folk music reflects the past, the culture, the roots of a nation. It show the way how previous generation thought, how they fought again aggression wars and how they brought freedom to their country. People, especially youngsters, should listen to folk music to know who they really are and what they have to do for their nation in the future.

On the other hand, this doesn't mean that international music is not important at all. Listening to songs come from another countries can help people to improve their vocabulary and language skills if they are studying a foreign language, English, the most popular language for example. It also help us to keep connected to friends from all over the world, as music is beyond language barriers.

To sum up, it is obvious that music plays an essential part in our daily life. People can listen to music and choose what types of music to their preference, however, traditional music must be preserved and brought into play to build one's country.

 

[teechar]

You need to structure your essay better than that.

You also should take a position in the introduction (whether you think that traditional music is more important than international music). Then you must use each of your body paragraphs to prove your position. Unfortunately, your second body paragraph doesn't do that!

Have a look at the link below, and click on the various sections in it (introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion) to learn how to structure an essay.

You can then re-write your essay, post it here again, and we'll have a look at it for you.

http://unilearning.uow.edu.au/essay/4bi.html

 

[mintmint16]

I've re-written my essay. Please check for me
Thanks in advance!!!

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Music is a vital part of all human cultures. There is no doubt that music is loved by everybody in this society. Thanks to the development of mass media, more and more genres of music are found supported widely, however, I strongly believe that traditional music of one's nation is still more important that people should pay more attention to it.

First, music is an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through elements of rhythm, melody, harmony and so on. Music brings innumerable benefits to people's life. Music relaxes us, heals us, speaks for us, helps us to concentrate when studying or working or even gives us a sound sleeping after a hard-working day. People may not need music all the time but they can not live without music for sure. For some people, they only need music when they confront with troubles. For example, an insomniac can listen to delta wave or water sound because it can help to relax and overcome sleeplessness. Whereas, other people listen to music as a hobby, or even a habit, which means they need music all the time and may feel uncomfortable if there is no music.

Second, with the enhancement of modern technology, more and more types of music are getting popular as a result. Rap, pop, electronic music or international music for example. However, I will argue that traditional or folk music is of particular importance, since it reflects the past, the culture and the roots of a nation. It shows the way how previous generation thought, how they fought again aggression wars and how they brought freedom to their country. Listening to music of your own country can also help to get on well with the old generation in your family and lessen the generation gap. Hence, people especially youngsters, should listen to folk music to know who they really are and what they have to do for their nation in the future.

To sum up, it is obvious that music plays an essential part in our daily life. People can listen to music and choose what types of music to their preference, however, traditional music must be preserved and brought into play to build one's country.

 

[teechar]

This is better, but you still need to make changes!
The first body paragraph has nothing to do with the specific essay question. It would be considered off-topic and would lose you valuable marks.

Your second body paragraph has some good ideas, but remember that one paragraph should deal with only one idea. So I would suggest that you split that paragraph into two; one can deal with how traditional music reflects a country's past culture, and the other can cover the point that traditional music acts as a link between generations.

Be direct and to the point, and start your body paragraph with "traditional or folk music is of particular importance ... etc."

Finally, sum up your main points of arguments in the conclusion.
;-)

 

[tedmc]

Music is a vital part of all human cultures. There is no doubt that music is loved by everybody in this society. Thanks to the development of mass media, more and more genres of music are[STRIKE] found[/STRIKE] supported widely. However, I strongly believe that traditional music of [STRIKE]one's[/STRIKE] a nation is still more important and that people should pay more attention to it.

First, music is an art of sound [STRIKE]in time[/STRIKE] that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through elements of rhythm, melody, harmony and so on. Music brings innumerable benefits to people's life. Music relaxes us, heals us, speaks for us, helps us to concentrate when studying or working or even gives us a sound sleep[STRIKE]ing [/STRIKE]after a hard-working day. People may not need music all the time but they cannot live without music for sure. For some people, they only need music when they are confronted with troubles. For example, an insomniac can listen to delta wave or water sound because it can help him to relax and overcome sleeplessness. Whereas, other people listen to music as a hobby, or even a habit, which means they need music all the time and may feel uncomfortable if there is no music.

Second, with the [STRIKE]enhancement[/STRIKE] advancement of modern technology, more and more types of music are getting popular as a result - rap, pop, electronic music or international music for example. However, I will argue (believe) that traditional or folk music is of particular importance, since it reflects the past, the culture and the roots of a nation. It shows [STRIKE]the way[/STRIKE] how previous generations thought, how they fought against aggression and wars and how they brought freedom to their country. Listening to music of your own country can also help you to get on well with the old generation in your family and lessen the generation gap. Hence, people, especially youngsters, should listen to folk music to know who they really are, where they came from and what they have to do for their nation in the future.

To sum up, it is obvious that music plays an essential part in our daily life. People can listen to music and choose[STRIKE] what [/STRIKE] the types of music to suit their preference. However, traditional music must be preserved and brought into play (kept alive) to build one's country (as a country progresses).

 

[mintmint16]

Thank you so much for your corrections!
I really appreciate it

 

[Raymott]

"There is no doubt that music is loved by everybody in this society."
I have a small doubt about this. Call me skeptical, but whenever anyone writes "always, never, everyone, no one, etc", I (almost) always think, "Really?"