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    #1

    PLEASE CHECK MY ESSAY

    Hey
    I've written an essay for the Toefl-iBT. I appreciate a native speaker who corrects my essay. Thanks.


    Topic: People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

    Colleges and universities have attracted lots of people to join. As different people have distinct ideas, the reason that persuades a person to attend a university may completely differ from one another. In my opinion, these reasons can be classified into two categories: positive and negative motives. While increasing knowledge, career preparation and new experience acquisition can be categorized as positive reasons, merely seeking to get a university degree is an unsuitable and negative one.
    Universities make it possible for students to be professional in a particular, desired subject. While preparing themselves to get a good score or mark on exams, passionate and enthusiastic students can join to advanced laboratories in the university to research on a topic. Consequently, the results of such a research can be published on a scientific journal or be presented on a conference. Also, it may help the industry to improve slightly. For instance, when I was a master student, I have done an industrial project which its results have been published on a journal. In addition to, the industry is using the developed software as the output of the project. To the best of my knowledge, almost all of modern careers all around the world want the employees to be familiar with advanced techniques and skills. As a result, students have this opportunity to develop their skills through theoretical and practical courses offered by the university. Making new friends and joining to volunteer activities, students can acquire practical experiences and improve social relations by attending universities. This is may be the first experience of being outside of their hometowns for most of students. They can learn how to be independent by doing all the chores lonely. Accordingly, this can prepare them for an autonomous life in the future.
    In contrast to positives motives, some people have negative ideas joining to universities. This group of people looks at university as a means of obtaining a higher degree. I have seen dozens of such people in my country. To clarify, due to high level of unemployment rate and lack of privileges, highly educated persons have not this chance to join to the job market. On the other side, some wealthy people with a low level of knowledge which already have careers because of their privileges, seek to get a degree through inappropriate and week education system. Thus, merely have the desire of getting a higher degree can be categorized as a negative motive.
    In conclusion, students all around the world have distinct motives joining to universities and colleges. There are both positive and negative reasons. However, I think the positive reasons are more prevalent among students than negative ones.

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    #2

    Re: PLEASE CHECK MY ESSAY

    I'm not a native user, but I have experience with proofing essay and article before, my comment will focus on writing.

    1. the second paragraph should be relevant with the first paragraph as the first should discuss the main idea of the essay. It seem that the second paragraph discusses about your own experience not discusses 'the negative and positive motives of joining an universities'.

    2. a sentence and their next should be relevant to each other, your sentence in a paragraph should connect to each other whether by supporting, arguing,
    sequencing, etc. I mean it should have continuity, for example:
    "In addition to, the industry is using the developed software as the output of the project. To the best of my knowledge, almost all of modern careers all around the world want the employees to be familiar with advanced techniques and skills. As a result, students have this opportunity to develop their skills through theoretical and practical courses offered by the university" you will see that each of these sentences are not relevant to the others. (and also as my first comment, it does not fix with the main idea)

  1. teechar's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: PLEASE CHECK MY ESSAY

    Quote Originally Posted by majid4ever View Post
    for many different reasons
    Quote Originally Posted by majid4ever View Post
    Why do you think
    This is meant to be an explanatory essay, not an argumentative one!

    I suggest that you rewrite it with each body paragraph explaining one reason people attend college/university. In fact, the essay question already provides useful hints for you (new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge).


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    #4

    Re: PLEASE CHECK MY ESSAY

    I am not sure if it is relevant to classify the reasons for attending universities into positive and negative reasons/motives.
    I am not a teacher.

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