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    #1

    Grammar inspection of a short essay

    Hello to all,

    I'm preparing myself for taking TOEFL exam and currently exercising the writing part of the exam.

    After reading a passage and then listening additional information I'm supposed to write a short essay about the main information contained in both reading and listening passage.

    I would highly appreciate if anyone could take take to read this short essay and make corrections (grammar, appropriate use of tenses, using definite and indefinite articles and similar).

    This is the text:

    In the listening passage, a woman repeats the definition of deindividualistic behavior, in contrast to the information listed in the reading passage, she also introduces examples of prosocial behavior.
    Also, she repeats the definition of polarization and gives examples of a prosocial behavior.
    Information in the listening passage supports the main thesis that the behavior of people in large groups are in general, different than the behavior of single individuals.
    Examples presented in the listening passage describe different behaviors of groups comparing to a behavior of a single individual. The listening passage gives example of prosocial behavior of large groups of people that can occur after some catastrophic event such as natural disaster. For this type of behavior it is typical that people help each other in greater extent than in normal situations. Other example of deindividualistic prosocial behavior is overwhelming display of joint approval after some exciting sport contests.

    Another examples stated in the listening passage describe prosocial behavior of polarized groups of people where it is typical that group together makes a more extreme decision than any individual member of that group would have done alone. Example describes the case in which group of employees that used to suffer individually for a log time, decides to get rid of sadistic boss, or when people in a town come together to get rid of the bully that terrorizes the town.


    Thank you very much in advance.

  1. teechar's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Grammar inspection of a short essay

    In the listening passage, a woman repeats the definition of deindividualistic behavior, in contrast to the information listed presented in the reading passage. She also introduces examples the concept of prosocial behavior.

    Also, Moreover, she repeats the definition of polarization and gives examples of prosocial behavior.
    The information in the listening passage supports the main thesis that the behavior of people in large groups are is, in general, different than the behavior of single individuals.
    Examples presented in the listening passage describe different behaviors of groups comparing compared to the behavior of a single individual. The listening passage gives examples of prosocial behavior of large groups of people that can occur after some catastrophic event such as a natural disaster. For this type of behavior, it is typical that people help each other in to greater extents than in normal situations. Another example of deindividualistic prosocial behavior is the overwhelming display of joint approval after some exciting sport contests.

    Another Further examples stated in the listening passage describe the prosocial behavior of polarized groups of people where it is typical that the group together makes a more extreme decision than any individual member of that group would have done alone. One example describes the case in which a group of employees that used to suffer individually for a long time, decides to get rid of their sadistic boss, or when people in a town come together to get rid of the bully that terrorizes the town.

    Consider changing "in contrast to" in your first sentence to "to reinforce" or "in addition to."

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